Beyond My Knowing
by Jessi Knight
Summary: Fleeing a broken heart, Kes travels alone up to the surface of her barren world, seeking adventure and a new start. She finds a home with Anara, a beautiful Kazon woman with two young children who's been cast out by her people for her failing eyesight. Facing danger from Anara's people, Kes saves them from starvation, and she and Anara fall in love. Femslash
1. When At First I See The Sun (1)

Up through tunnels of rock and stone, she emerged onto the surface of the world. In the sky above were thousands of dots of light, far away. The world was dark, and the only light besides the stars was her flashlight. She set it on the ground and used her arms to push herself up out of the break in the rocks she'd found.

Getting up on her knees and setting her pack of supplies down beside her, she looked around. There was no one to be seen, no signs of life, and no sun in the sky. The sun was only supposed to be visible through half the day though, she'd studied everything about the surface she could find. Seen all her people's writings, stories, and legends, as well as the videos the caretaker had provided her people that were from the before time, when they used to live here, under this sky. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath of air and smiled to herself. Then, with excitement, she reached over and turned off her light, then got to her feet and looked up into the sky at the stars.

"It's beautiful..." She said softly to herself.

It was warm too, she noticed, and the breeze smelled so... different than the air she was used to. There was nothing of water in it, just dust and dryness. Her heart sank a little. What if she were alone here? What if, besides seeing the stars and the sun for herself, there would be nothing for her up here? No way to survive, nothing to survive for. Then, she would have to go back, wouldn't she? Either that or die of thirst.

It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to go back home, she admitted to herself. She'd known starting out that that was probably what she would have to do - at least, if the stories she'd been told of the surface where true. Still, she hadn't been able to help hoping that she'd find something up here. Something to answer the questions in her, some way to be... free. So she wasn't about to go back - not yet, not until she had to. Not until she'd seen for herself that there really was nothing else in life for her.

She picked up her things, turned on the flashlight, and walked out over the rocks into the night.

Soon, the terrain turned from rocks to sand and she knew this must be the great desert the world had been left as in the before time when disaster had come and the Caretaker had saved her ancestors by secreting them down into the world and building them a place to live - a sanctuary city.

She looked off into the distance and could see nothing but the darkness, stretching on before her. She decided then that it would be best to find a good place to sleep until the sun came and she could truly see the world around her in more than just the glimpses her flashlight afforded her.

She walked around the rocks for a ways, felt the night air start to turn cooler. It would probably get cooler still, without the sun's warmth. She soon found a small rock ledge with a place underneath that looked about her size. She took out her sleeping gear and settled in for the night, taking only a small sip of her water. She had enough food and water with her to last a month, if she were careful. If she couldn't find water or food out here in that time, she'd have to go back.

Her bedding set, she snuggled in for the night and fell off to sleep easily.

Her dreams were peaceful and hopeful. Upon waking, she couldn't remember them clearly, only that Tae had been there with her and they'd been happy. She wiped the sleep from her eyes and sat up and thought about her dream. She drew her legs up to her and felt a few tears come to her eyes. Then lay her head down on her knees and closed her eyes against them, thinking how foolish she still probably was. She'd thought it was possible to have a future with her best friend, and now she still thought it was possible to have a future on the barren surface of her planet. Maybe she was simply setting herself up for disappointment again? Or maybe... maybe her people were right, and those like her were defective in some way after all. She'd never thought so before, but... maybe this was the proof?

It was then that she felt and saw the first rays of the day's sunlight. Her head lifted and she wiped the remaining tears from her eyes. She got to her knees and then, on her hands and knees, crawled a meter or so to emerge out from under the rock ledge she'd been sleeping under. What she saw took her breath away. She sat down on the cool rock then, gathering her blanket around herself, and just watched the sunrise for a while. Before too long, she thought, the sun would rise over the horizon and she would see it for herself with her own two eyes for the first time. A smile welled up from deep inside her at the thought, and, she concluded that, even if her people were right about those like her, that it didn't matter really, that she had to be true to who she was... even if that meant she made choices that would turn out to be foolish ones.

Her hopefulness much refreshed, she went back and went about packing up her things, taking a small drink of water and then putting away the canteen. She emerged from under the rock ledge and got to her feet, standing and looking at the sunrise again. She looked around her in all directions then, and saw only expansive desert and rock formations. It was a beautiful sight, yes, but she saw no signs of life or moisture anywhere.

She then took a deep breath and picked up her backpack and put it around her shoulders, then started walking, choosing a direction that somehow felt like the right one to her (though she was at a loss to explain why that direction seemed like the one to choose over others).

Her path took her across an open expanse of dry shale and rocks. And, of course, after walking on the uneven ground for a time, the sun came up over the horizon and she smiled to see it, despite that it meant that the temperature would likely increase greatly before the day was done.

And as the day went on, she kept walking on and on, stopping once to have a sparse meal from her dried food provisions and another sip of water. She reminded herself that her supplies were limited and so she would need to ration them to make them last as long as possible. She'd been right, the sun had brought much more heat - but so far it energized her, felt good on her skin.

She got up and set her sights on the far horizon again and kept walking. The longer she walked though, the more that energized feeling started to give way to an uncomfortable feeling instead, like it was too much of a good thing. As the day wore on into the afternoon, she started to sweat and to really feel the effects of so much exposure to the sun. Fatigue began to settle in and, since it was becoming increasingly clear to her that to keep going through heat like this would be a very bad idea, she made the practical decision to change course a little and go over to a rock formation that looked like it might offer shade from the sun.

With relief, she sat down some half hour later in the shade and took off the clothing that had started to feel stifling and heavy. Her head felt light and a little fuzzy, not unlike the time Tae had convinced her to try some wine she'd stolen from her parents, so she took another sip of water and lay down to rest. She hadn't expected to, but, almost the moment she closed her eyes, she fell into a deep sleep.

She dreamt she was in a place full of green, growing things, and there was a spring of fresh, clean water to drink. Tae was there, like she always seemed to be in her dreams. They talked, like they always had, about everything and nothing at all. The world around them started to feel cool again, and, as it got cooler, Tae just seemed to fade away from her. Kes reached out after her, but then remembered herself and opened her eyes.

She sighed and forced down the emotion that she felt inside her yet again. It was irrational to purposefully cause herself such anguish, she knew that... still, she couldn't help wondering, for the thousandth time, what would have happened if she'd told her best friend that she loved her? Loved her, and not as a friend would, but... as much more, and far more deeply.

It was useless though, wasn't it? It mostly just simply hurt... hurt in a way that felt like it wasn't ever going to stop...

The world around her was in twilight, and there was enough light to see by, so she put her clothes back on, picked her things up, and decided to do some more walking while the climate was so temperate.

She walked until it was pitch dark and she was too tired to keep going, and then, because there weren't any better options, she set up her camp right where she was and she went to sleep.

* * *

The morning came swiftly, and, thankfully, if she had dreamt of anything that night, she couldn't remember even a wisp of it upon waking. She'd woken with the first rays of sunlight. She took a sip of water and ate two small nuts, then packed up her few possessions and started to walk.

Just as the temperature was getting to the point where she could tell it would be best for her to stop soon (perspiration wasted water that she couldn't afford to waste), she climbed over a rise and saw it - a settlement!

Immediately, her mind was alive with questions. Who were they? How did they live up here? Were they Ocampa, or were they from the stars like the Caretaker? She'd only heard of a few other cases of one of her people coming to the surface, but was it possible some had, generations before her, and made this place to live? And if they weren't her people, then who were they? Would they be welcoming, or would they send her away?

It was still a long walk down there though, one that would have to wait until the sun went down. She'd been making sure to always keep within fairly close walking distance of shade if she could help it, and so she went over to find a place to lay down through the day and wait for the weather to cool again.

She found herself sitting there, again imagining what her parents' reaction would be to the goodbye message she'd left them. It made her sad to think of what she must be putting them through. She thought of best friend as well. What Tae's reaction would be? ...would she cry? She'd imagined many times what it would have been like if Tae shared her feelings. What it would be like to share a house with her... to share a bed... a life... She knew it was impractical. She knew what her people thought of people like her - that they were genetically defective. What other explanation could there be, they'd say, when a same sex couple couldn't produce a child? It was obviously nature's way of correcting for defects like her... of course, Lona had found out for her that that wasn't strictly true, but still, Kes couldn't completely banish the thought that there might be at least some truth to what the elders said, to what her people believed... when she thought about it logically, didn't it make more sense just to keep her feelings hidden...? To go along and merry Daggin, the boy in her circle of friends who liked her?

She'd considered it of course... After all, Daggin was nice. Fair to look at. They were friends. She liked him, very much. But... she didn't love him. When she tried to picture a life with him - living in the same house, sharing a bed, having a family - all she felt was depression and sadness. She wasn't sure why she felt that way exactly, why she was different, she simply knew that she was - that her heart was telling her that Tae was who she wanted, who she belonged with.

The trouble was of course, that Tae did not want _her_. It was obvious to see - even though she wished it wasn't. Her eyes lit up when she saw the boy who she was going to marry soon. She talked about him constantly, and about wanting children and how she was looking forward to being a mother. Kes had played along and artfully dodged questions about her own hopes for the future, mostly by talking about her beliefs. About the legends of her people's lost mental abilities, and how they shouldn't depend on the Caretaker, how there had to be more to life. And she believed those things, Tae did too. It was what she and her friends all had in common, that they didn't like the status quo. They'd built a garden outside of the city to show others that there were other things in the world than what the Caretaker provided them - things they could do for themselves.

Tae thought she just had high ideals and big dreams. And that was, in fact, true about her... But being true didn't always mean the same thing as being the truth, and the truth, _her_ truth, was that she would have traded all her high ideals and big dreams to simply have Tae return her feelings.

She wasn't the only Ocampa to have feelings like this for someone of the same gender of course. And some of them, a comparatively small number, did end up marrying. No one stopped them. But mostly, she supposed, if one of her people had feelings like hers, they would simply take the path of least resistance and marry someone they didn't love, just to be accepted. Because those few number of her people who did follow their hearts? They were shunned, one and all. No one talked to them. No one was their friend. All they had were each other, and the small community they'd built for themselves in a part of the city where no one else went. And Kes could have easily lived with that. If everyone she knew turned their backs on her and she'd had to move to that little community where only people like her ever went, she was sure she'd have been very happy with that in fact. Even if her parents and closest friends were among those to shun her, she wouldn't have minded so much.

The simple fact was though, that it was never to be. And so, what she'd been left with were those big dreams and high ideals that Tae thought were so important to her. She smiled a little to herself. Well, they were important... they just didn't make her feel any less heartbroken.

She didn't know what the evening and the coming days would bring - who she would find in the settlement in the valley beyond that was at the foot of the mountains of rock - but if she couldn't have love, then, at least she was about to have adventure.

She felt excited - really, truly, hopeful, for the first time. Her feelings had always been half-hearted before now, but now she'd seen the proof. Proof that there was more to life - the possibility of more, of a life beyond what she knew. A life unknown to her, and so a life that could be full of possibilities. It was proof that something wonderful and unexpected could happen, right around the next corner or over the next hill.

It was also true though, that her dreams, those possibilities she sought, they could turn out to be hollow for all she knew. But maybe they wouldn't. And for now, that 'maybe' was just what she'd needed to lift her spirits and get her to realize that maybe there really could be a life for her, even without Tae in it.

Because... when she'd accidentally seen Tae and the boy she loved kissing that night by the water, she'd just known. She'd known that staying friends with her after that would just be too painful. And she'd known that she couldn't stay, that she had to make a new life for herself somehow.

And now, now it looked like she just might be on the verge of succeeding in that.

At some point, she dozed off and only woke up when the sun had already set. The light was already dimming, and the air already cool. She'd lost around an hour of time when she could have been walking.

* * *

to be continued

also, I'm always happy to get comments (even really short ones)


	2. When At First I See The Sun (2)

As things turned out, the settlement was quite a bit farther away than Kes would have guessed, so it wasn't until evening the next day that she approached the outskirts of the small city in the desert. The shade from the mountains behind the city meant that twilight there came earlier. It was, Kes considered, probably one of the reasons they built the city here, so that they could take advantage of that shading effect to make the days more bearable.

The city, as she approached, smelled of dust and oil and other scents she didn't recognized. She heard the sounds of machinery and the dim, indistinct sound of voices - some of them raised in anger. That made her hesitate, but it didn't stop her from entering the city and investigating further. The first of the inhabitants she saw were a pair of men. They were definitely not Ocampa. Their shin was much darker and had a reddish hue, and they had very differently shaped foreheads, sharper features, and did... very unusual things to their hair. They were curious to look at.

The men were laughing and joking with one another and it looked like they were in high spirits. That gave her hope and the courage to go approach them. After all, she supposed she was going to need to introduce herself sooner or later, and these two, at least, seemed friendly.

She did think to set her things down in a place they would be hidden though, just in case they were hostile. This way her things couldn't be stolen and she would be able to run faster without the weight slowing her down if it came to that.

She came out of hiding and called out to them. They stopped and looked at her curiously, one saying something to the other. Kes came up to them, keeping out of arm's reach to be on the safe side (they really were a lot bigger than she was, and that was especially apparent now that she was closer to them - that, and their physique seemed very muscular as well, which meant they must be very physically strong).

She greeted them aloud, but they replied in words that were foreign to her. Another language? But, of course another race of people might speak another language, she considered. So, if spoken words wouldn't work, she decided she would try speaking to them telepathically.

-My name is Kes, I'm a visitor. I'm friendly.- She told them.

One said something to his friend, the only word she understood was 'Ocampa'. The other looked at her and thought something at her. It was hard to make out, their minds and thoughts were so foreign to her, but it sounded like 'Come with us now.' or something like that.

Somehow though, despite that they weren't looking at her with hostility, she got the impression from the slight contact with their minds that she'd needed to communicate with them, that she shouldn't trust these men. -I think I should go...- She said, backing away.

One of them made a grab for her. She managed to avoid it and started to run. They caught up with her very quickly though - they were so fast, had longer legs, and she was still tired from walking.

One grabbed her by the collar and, laughing, shoved her towards his friend and said something to him. The man began to tie her hands behind her back.

-Stop! What are you doing? I've done nothing to you!- She told them as she uselessly struggled to get away from them. She'd been right though, they were incredibly strong. She didn't have a hope of breaking the grip of the man who was holding her, he seemed as unyielding as stone.

The other, the one who had caught her, smacked her across the face. It stung, and she bled from the corner of her lip, but she knew he undoubtedly could have hit her much, much harder. He thought something at her then that she understood to be something like 'Silence' and 'Female', though how her gender mattered, she didn't know, though she got the feeling he was using her gender in a derogatory way somehow, as little sense as that made to her.

She did remain silent though. It was really apparent that speaking again wasn't going to do anything more productive than struggling against her captors. She resigned herself that she'd just have to wait for an opportunity to escape at some point, hopefully soon...

What happened next was that she was thrown like a sack over one of the men's shoulders and carried. Her head was over the man's back so she could see the way behind them, but not where they were going. Though that hardly mattered much because she'd never been in the city before. As they walked, other people of the men's race noticed her. She couldn't help but notice that the women looked much different than the men, they didn't have those odd hair styles for one thing, they dressed much differently, and didn't act aggressive or brazen like the males did. Some of the people she passed commented to others they were with, some laughed, but none did anything. Once, a woman looked to her with sympathy or concern. Kes mentally asked her for help, but the woman looked surprised and then turned away and left. After that, she despaired that anyone here would help her, so she resigned herself to silence and patience for now.

By the time her captors brought her to their destination, her spirits had well and truly faltered and a creeping despair was setting in. Her situation felt hopeless. A cruel end to a life that seemed more pointless and wasted by the moment. She fought against those feelings stubbornly of course, but her struggle was a losing one, and she knew it. If anything was going to change, she would have to do what these men had done, and seize what she wanted. Freedom, yes, but for what? The surface world, now, hardly seemed like it could be a home to her, let alone a positive new direction for her life. Her only other choice was to go back home, as little as she wanted to have to face up to that, to seeing Tae again and having to try to explain herself somehow... of course, if she told the whole truth, explaining wouldn't be an issue because Tae might well not ever speak to her again... But, she told herself, thoughts like that wouldn't do her any good until she was free. So she kept paying attention to her surroundings as much as she could, hoping to find something, some chance.

The place they were going was a house. There was a woman there, and a child, a young boy who could hardly walk yet. She was nursing him and looked to Kes with surprise, but did not say anything. The men were talking with one another, nether apparently giving a thought to the woman or the child. One of them said something and the other laughed. It was hard, but Kes had been trying to use her telepathy to understand the meaning of what they were saying to one another. They were talking about her as if she had value to them in some way, and they were pleased with that, but that was all she could make out.

They took her to a room and lay her down ungently on a mat on the floor. One of them said something to the other and left, laughing. The one who remained tied her feet with rope like he had her hands and looked at her. When she met his eyes, he seemed to get upset and got to his feet and kicked her in the belly, saying something contempt-full as he left.

The blow to her abs had hurt and she coughed, trying to get her breath back as she lay herself up against the wall and looked around the room. The room was bare but for a small window higher up that let some light through and some metallic barrels stacked against the far side of the room. Something about them gave Kes the idea that they had water in them, though she couldn't tell precisely why she was sure that they did.

Now that she was alone though, she sat about trying to free herself from the ropes. After a long time trying though, it became apparent to her that her captor had simply tied the knots too well. She managed to get over to the door and found it locked. Her hopes of escape defeated for now, she went back to the mat on the floor and curled up to sleep, trying to think of nothing at all, for no other reason than there was nothing she wanted to think about at the moment. Whatever pleasant memories were hers, or whatever hopes she still had, would only make her current situation seem all the more worse by comparison, and any unpleasant thoughts she had, of which there were plenty to chose from, would likewise be unhelpful. The only useful thing she could think to do now was to sleep, conserve her energy for later, and hope her situation wouldn't be quite so bleak upon waking.

When she did fall to sleep, her dreams were fitful and confused.

* * *

to be continued

also, I'm always happy to get comments (even really short ones)


	3. When At First I See The Sun (3)

It was morning when she awoke, sunlight streaming brightly into the room from the small window near the ceiling. She sat back against the wall and tried to still her mind. No one came, and she was left by herself. When mid-day came, the woman came in to get some water and gave her a little, and some hard biscuits that Kes actually liked the taste of. She tried to engage the woman in conversation, but was studiously ignored. Kes got the feeling that she did feel sorry for her, somewhat, but not enough, obviously, for her to act or even talk with her. Perhaps, she considered, it was simply easier for her that way. She was getting the distinct impression that women, females, were not treated well in this society for some reason, or at least... definitely not seen as of equal status to the males. It made very little sense to her, but it was the obvious conclusion. From the look of them, the women were physically less imposing than the males. Among Ocampa, females were physically more powerful, so that was an odd reversal to witness for her. Still, among her people, females didn't subjugate males, or think themselves superior to them, simply because they were physically stronger. Why was this race so different? She supposed she'd probably never know the reasons.

In any case, after the woman's visit, there was nothing. The men did not come back. She heard muffled voices from outside or in the house at different times, but that was all. She couldn't fathom why the two men might do this - simply tie her up and leave her in a room - what could they possibly think they would gain by it? She had gotten the impression that they thought there was something valuable about her to them, something they could gain from her, but it all made so little sense.

The day turned into evening then into night and still nothing. She slept, her dreams again troubled and worrisome. She was rudely awoken this time by a nudge to her shoulder with a man's boot. She blinked her eyes open. The man was telling her to do something, and grabbed her by the hair and dragged her up to sitting when she didn't respond to his words with anything but a tired, confused, and weary look. The other man was there too, and a third man who was looking her over appraisingly as the two men who'd locked her away in here talked to him.

Kes paid attention to them and slowly it dawned on her from the mental impressions she was able to glean that the men were trying to exchange her to this third man for something else. They meant to... barter her. It was a disgusting realization and she felt hate for these men well up inside her. To treat someone like they were a thing? She'd never even heard of so horrible a thing! Her people didn't even have a concept for something like that.

She met the man's eyes who was appraising her defiantly and he noticed right away, and reacted angrily, backhanding the man next to him. The man who was holding her hair pressed her head to the floor and said something angrily to her. Telling her to show... deference, that's what it was. Apparently for a female to look one of the men in this society in the eyes as she had would cause a violent reaction. Not that she would have done differently had she known that, she considered - not and have them thinking she accepted what they were trying to do with her, because she was very sure that was something she would never do, no matter what they did.

The third man, after what Kes took to be a negotiation over price, purchased her and took her with him (again, thrown over his shoulder like a sack) to his resistance. Kes's mind was hard at work trying to figure out a way to escape. She paid close attention to everything, but got no closer to a solution to her problem. Now that this man had purchased her, he undoubtedly meant to do something with her, use her for some purpose. What purpose, she didn't care to think about, but she was determined to find a way of escape before she could learn of it, if at all possible. As she was carried into the man's residence, she considered that she might even try to find a way to end her own life if it came to that. At least then she could deprive the man of whatever he thought to gain from her... unless his race were carnivores and he wanted her as food... A thought she promptly tried to forget that she'd just had.

This man's house was bigger than the other man's, but no one else seemed to live there. He took her to a bedroom and threw her on the bed. He looked at her in a way that set Kes on edge more than she had ever been in her life. It was an ugly look, but full of... lust, avarice. Those were rare emotions among her people, and certainly she'd never met anyone who had them anywhere near to this degree. He got on the bed and undid his pants. She could see... She'd never seen a male... aroused like that before. She'd seen males of her own kind without clothes before when she and her friends went swimming, but...

He was speaking to her. Her senses were heightened with fear and the start of real panic, and somehow that let her understand him better. He was saying that there were many fewer women than men here because it was a... bad place for them in some way. That he had a son, but he was a young man now and that his former mate had died somehow. That it was seen as a sign of weakness and ill-fortune among his people to be without a wife at his age. That it had been too long for him since he'd... done what he was about to do, and that... that she would enjoy it too if she were to be... pleasant to him. He said he was going to untie her feet, but not her arms. As he untied her feet though, she kicked him hard in the face, three times before he stopped her. She hadn't even thought about it, she'd just acted because she couldn't _not_ act.

He growled at her and was on top of her then. He hit her and yelled at her and started to... grope her. Anger and fury warred inside her with fear and sheer panic. She could hardly wrap her mind around this. She struggled against him wildly, but it was doing no good. Like the other men of his kind she had encountered, he was simply too physically strong for her to resist. Something was happening though, there was a burning behind her eyes, in her mind, her skin felt like there was something prickling inside, like sparks. Somehow, without thought or reason, she projected the feeling inside her to the man on top of her who was trying to rape her.

And he stopped. He stopped and was silent a moment, and then he screamed and recoiled from her as though she had burned him. He tumbled to the floor, waving his arms around him like mad, trying to fend off something that wasn't there.

Kes stared at him for a long second, her mind trying to make sense of what was happening. But when the second past, she got up and left quickly. There were weapons by the front door that included a few knives. She picked one up on her way out and, once outside, hurried to an alleyway and hid behind some empty containers that were there, determinedly working the knife to cut herself free. Her mind was racing, but she was operating mostly on panic fueled instinct. Her heart was racing too, and she was alert for any sound that might mean pursuit or danger. She got herself free and left, keeping to the alleyways for a while until she found a good place to hide where she could be relatively sure she wouldn't be found. She made herself fit into the small space and lay there.

She would wait for dark, find her things, and then leave the city. That wasn't even a question. She couldn't stay here - there was no way she could stay here.

Her mind wouldn't quiet itself and she couldn't bring herself to sleep in this place, even though she was all but completely certain she wouldn't be found. She lay there, awake, through the day. She was hungry and thirsty and very much missing her supplies. She determined that she'd have a full meal when she got them back... and then she'd head home, and not look back, no matter what heartbreak she'd have to face when she got there.

By the time twilight came, she had managed to calm her mind and racing thoughts enough to really think again. She'd gone over it in her mind. The man had tried to forcefully mate with her... rape. She shuddered thinking about what could have happened, glad her imagination really had no true concept of what that might be. Among her people, males never did such things. In fact, the few instances of rape that had occurred in her people's history had been of a female raping a male. During the elogium, the time when an Ocampan woman felt a strong need to mate and produce a child, a woman's physical strength, already usually significantly superior to a male's, was heightened further, as were her emotions. In rare cases, when the woman desired a mate who did not return her feelings, she would force herself on him. The punishment for that was that the woman would never see her child after it was born and would be kept in confinement for the rest of her life. There was little crime among her people. The occasional theft or rare instance of fighting were the only crimes that happened with any regularity. Once, two generations ago, there had apparently been a murder, though Kes didn't know any details about it. In any case, the point was, that she was coming to the conclusion that her own people were remarkably kind by comparison to the people she'd found here on the surface. And that was sad, but there was nothing she could do to change her situation, no choice left to her, nothing she could see at least. She couldn't stay here... so she'd have to go home. Maybe... maybe she could even find someone... not Tae of course, but... maybe she could find someone else? It made her feel cold inside and bereft to think about it... to think that Tae might... shun her, when she found out... Before, she hadn't even allowed herself to think of that possibility... but now...

The trouble was, of course, before she could even really consider that, she'd have to get home first, and she didn't really know precisely which way to go to find her way back. She was turned around in the city, which looked different during twilight than during the day. And besides that, retracing the way she'd come, if she could do it, might be dangerous. Better to keep to the alleyways and shadows. Once she got out of the city, she would have the position of the mountain cliffs in relation to the city to give her the general direction from which she'd come. Once she was out of the city and on her way, she would just have to find familiar landmarks that she'd walked by on her way here, which she was confident she'd be able to do. The only problem was retrieving her supplies. She began to formulate a plan for that though - she'd make her way out of the city by the safest way that she could find, then come back around and enter the city the way she had the first time, bypassing the interior public areas and streets as much as possible. No one had seen her entering the city the first time, they wouldn't a second. She could collect her supplies and leave. It would be a risk of course, but one she had no choice but to take - without those supplies, the desert would mean certain death for her.

That decided in her mind, which was now clear, she sat about slowly and cautiously making her way out of the city, keeping her direction by always keeping the mountain cliffs in view ahead of her. The city, while not nearly the size of the one in which her people lived, wasn't small, and by the time she got to the outskirts of it, true night had fallen and very soon she wouldn't be able to see her way. She prudently decided to find a safe place to sleep until morning. She was very tired, she realized, and the lack of food and water wasn't doing anything to keep her energy up either.

She ended up climbing up on top of a house to sleep. The roof was mostly slanted, but had flat places. She couldn't imagine anyone would have a reason to come up here, and she was certain she wouldn't be visible from the street. She would have to be careful not to be spotted coming down of course, but she felt it was worth the risk because she couldn't be sure anywhere she found to sleep at ground level would be safe from a passerby finding her by chance while she slept. And she had no desire at all to repeat her experience with the people of this city. She might not get away a second time.

As she lay down on the hard surface of the roof, no bedding to make it comfortable, she started to really think through what had happened. What she had done to get away from the man who'd been trying to rape her... She'd always believed the stories. The ones that told of her ancestors having mental powers that were much greater than those her people currently had. Was that what had happened? That, in a moment of panic, she'd been able to tap into those abilities in order to defend herself? She couldn't think of any other explanation that would account for it.

As she fell off to sleep, too tired to stay awake, she found herself wondering just what else she might be able to do with those abilities...

* * *

to be continued

and I'm always happy to get comments (even really short ones)


	4. When At First I See The Sun (4)

The morning came, harsh and bright and windy. She awoke feeling groggy and still tired, but the wind and the sun wouldn't let her sleep, nor, her mind told her, would it be a good idea to try. She had to find her way out of this place. Looking to the horizon, she was relieved to see that the sun must only have risen thirty or so minutes ago. From where she was, she couldn't look down on the street below, but she could look out over the city around her. Farther off, she saw taller buildings. And over towards the mountain, she saw heavy machinery and people starting at laborious work. She guessed they were taking materials from the planet to use for some reason. What reason, she didn't know, but at least now she knew not to head towards that area. She listened, and the city was starting to wake, but she didn't hear any voices close by, so she decided to, cautiously, make her way down from the roof she was on.

Landing softly on her feet in the alleyway beside the house, she began to again make her way silently from the city. She ended up in the foothills of mountains far afield of the mining operations towards the center of the mountain cliffs. She thought to use them for cover to make her way around the city and find the familiar landmarks she hoped to locate.

As she was making her way through the rocks though, she happened upon a small make-shift dwelling. She immediately hid and was going to make her way around it, giving it a wide berth, and she would have, except that she started to hear soft crying or sobbing from inside - a child, a girl she thought. Her heart immediately went out to her and she wanted to help. But that instinct was battled by caution. The child surely had parents, and would they not do to her what others of these people had, and try to make property of her?

Still though, she couldn't quite bring herself to leave, knowing the child might be in danger, that she could possibly even die if she left her. These were a hard and unforgiving people, if her experiences with them could be used as an actuate measure. Would they leave a child to suffer? To die? Before her earlier experiences, she would have said no, that no one would be able to do such a thing. Now, she wasn't nearly so sure.

And so, with a sigh, she took out the knife she'd stolen, tightened her hands into fists, her jaw set in weary tension, as she crept closer to the make-shift home. She stopped part of the way there though and listened more. Watched. Then something occurred to her, and she closed her eyes and focused her concentration inwardly, trying to extend her telepathic senses outward around her, towards the house. She'd never done something like that before on purpose, but she knew that she often just seemed to know that people were where she was heading. Especially with her friends or family, she could sense them from some distance away sometimes. Not their thoughts, just... a feeling.

As her senses settled in to try this new task she had set for them, impressions did indeed start to form. There were two people inside... no, three. A woman and... the little girl, and a male, but young, only a child. And... they were all so weak, in pain... They were dying! As soon as she realized that, she was on her feet, putting away the knife, and heading towards the house. No matter what the people of this race had tried to do to her, this woman was innocent as far as she knew, and certainly, she could never bring herself to simply walk away and let two children die. She would never forgive herself for doing something like that. Never.

She entered the house and saw the young woman she'd sensed from afar sitting on a cot and holding a young girl in her arms. The girl, who looked only maybe three or four months old, was still crying, but softly. The woman, who looked maybe half a year older than Kes if that (young to have had two children) was trying to comfort her. There was a second cot by the door to the left of her and the boy, who looked more than a half a year old (maybe eight or nine months even?), was laying on it, sweating and in pain, only half awake. The woman turned to her and spoke. Kes understood her to be asking who was there and telling her that they had nothing of value.

Kes was struck speechless by the scene and the hopelessness and sorrow she sensed from the woman. Her heart went out to this woman and her family, and she immediately felt foolish for having thought her own situation so dire at times. After a moment though, she told herself to move, act, go into the room. -I mean no harm- she spoke softly, gently to the woman, mind to mind. She knelt down next to her. -And some people are woefully misinformed about what value really is...-

The woman said something else... asked if she... if she were seeing things, hearing things that weren't really there. She said that her vision wasn't good, that maybe it had betrayed her more than ever before, now that she was at the end.

-I am not a vision, my name is Kes. And... and I think I am here to help you. What can I do to help you?- She asked softly, touching the woman's cheek lightly to assure her that she was real.

The woman looked into Kes's eyes a moment as if she couldn't quite believe what Kes was telling her. But then, Kes sensed that she came to the conclusion that she had little left to lose. She spoke, and Kes understood her to say that her children needed water and food, she... she begged Kes for her help.

Kes was again struck speechless for a moment. But then she nodded 'yes' and told her. -I don't have those with me right now. I ran, um, I ran into some bad luck, but I will find it, find food and water for you, just as fast as I can. I will... I will save you. I promise. Don't lose hope.- She told her.

The woman said something. Kes had a hard time making it out, but she thought that it was something like... 'hope won't help them, only water'. She smiled a little sadly at the harsh practicality of that.

She considered asking if someone else would be coming to help them, if there was a husband that would be back for them. It could be dangerous for her if that were to be the case after all. But she felt somehow that she didn't need to ask. That she knew the answer all ready. This woman had no one. No one but her, now.

-Then I won't waste anymore time. I'll be back as quickly as I can.- She told her, getting up.

At the door, Kes stopped and looked back at the woman she'd just made a promise to. She was tired, a little sweaty, and thin, almost emaciated from not having enough to eat or drink, but... she was beautiful. Something in the shape of her jaw... even reminded her a little of Tae somehow. Kes swallowed the notion and censured herself for thinking something like that, then left.

As she hurried back towards the city, she tired to think about what she was going to do. It was... very dangerous, what she was doing. It couldn't be avoided though. She needed to find food and water now, as fast as she possibly could, and that wasn't going to be easy. She could, she considered, go back for her own supplies. It would be enough to save them, for now at least. But if she did that, it would probably be late evening before she got back. That was a big problem, because she had no way of knowing if it was safe to leave them that long - if one or more of them might die by the time she returned - but, just from what she'd seen, she had to assume that taking that extra time wouldn't be at all safe.

That meant she was going to have to get what she needed to get from the city itself. And she couldn't ask for it, she'd have to steal it. She had surprisingly little problem with the idea of that in this case. The woman and her children needed it, and the people in this place obviously wouldn't do the sensible and moral thing and simply give this family what they needed, otherwise the mother would have asked for the food and water and been supplied it like anyone with even the smallest amount of kindness would do. If these people were so cruel as to deny food and water to dying children, then they deserved to have it stolen from them - they deserved a lot worse probably, but that wasn't really something Kes could or would really want to do anything about. She would have been very happy never to have had to set foot in this horrible place ever again, but there obviously wasn't another choice she could make now, so it's what she had to do...

As she snuck down into the city, she found herself thinking of how she could be an effective thief. Because, if she failed, chances were she wouldn't get a second chance and might well be captured as she had before. She shivered a little in revulsion thinking of what had happened to her and what almost had. It wasn't lost on her what she was risking of course, but she felt she couldn't do otherwise.

She wasn't faster on her feet or nearly as strong as the people here. All she had for assets were stealth, whatever cleverness she might possess, and her mental abilities (which were all but untested for anything like her current endeavor). If she could use her abilities to do what she had to the man who had attempted to rape her to others whenever she wished, or even something less severe like causing confusion or putting someone to sleep, then she would have a good advantage. The trouble was, when she'd done what she'd done, she'd been in a state of primal panic. She wasn't at all sure _how_ she'd done what she had, or if she could do it again if she needed to and wasn't in a situation that would cause her to panic like she had before.

The best thing for her to do would be to avoid any situation where she would need to find out if she could rely on those abilities one way or another. Of course she knew she might be forced to rely on her abilities anyway, but she was going to attempt to use stealth and cleverness first.

When she got to the city proper, she was relieved to find not many people about. Of those that were, most were not men in their prime. Most of those, apparently, had gone to work at the mines. Still, she was very careful to avoid being seen. She used her ability as she had at the starving family's home in the foothills to check homes to find if they were inhabited or if those that lived in them were away.

After two failed tries though, a problem that she should have considered soon became apparent - the houses that were vacant were also locked. Growing more desperate with each passing minute, she determined that the only way she could accomplish what she'd set out to in time would be to target a house that was occupied and unlocked. She soon found a house that had two floors and an unlocked back door, and, when she sensed inside, she found just one inhabitant, a woman, who was on the second floor. She checked around the house cautiously and didn't sense anyone else nearby, so, knowing she wasn't likely to find a better option in time, she knew she had to take her chance.

Cautiously, making sure to stay quiet so the woman upstairs would not hear, Kes crept inside and looked around for food or water. She found it in the kitchen right away. Hard biscuits and a kind of dried fruit that she didn't know what to make of but that smelled appetizing anyway. The water, she found, was kept in a locked room, as it had been in her abductor's home. She managed to find two smaller containers of it though. One a canteen and one a sealed tubular container, about 50cm tall. That was just as well, it would be all she could safely carry anyway. More and it would weigh her down and make her too slow. She took the food and water, and a second knife from the kitchen which she hid in her boot, and made to leave.

She was surprised at the back door though, seeing two young boys approaching. They were surprised to see her too and stared a moment. One of them said something to her in a demanding voice, stepping forwards towards her threateningly. The second boy followed the first one's lead a moment later.

Kes narrowed her eyes, feeling fear take hold. She knew from past experience that she probably wouldn't be able to outrun them, especially not when she was carrying things and they weren't... and even if she could, they could raise an alarm and then who knew what would happen. All she had were two knives and no practice at all in using them as weapons (also no desire to kill anyone, which, if by some chance she won against them using the knives, might be the result). No, so she knew her only real choice was to try to use the newly discovered aspect of her mental abilities she'd used before and hope she could make it work for her again.

-I'm not really here, you're seeing things- She mentally told them, trying to force them into believing it.

The boys' eyes went wide and they looked startled again.

-You... you forgot something, something important, where you came from. Someone might steal it if you don't get it back.- She told them, trying to speak to them beneath the level of words, willing them even more to believe what she needed them to.

They didn't seem to, but they did look confused. She kept at it, moving to the side, towards the alley she'd come from. One of the boys fainted and the other one looked dazed. She darted away and hid in the alley. She watched as the boy who was still conscious slowly came out of his daze and looked around in confusion, asking aloud what had happened, or if someone was there. He saw his friend on the ground and knelt down by his side, shaking him and telling him to wake. The boy did wake and was similarly confused.

Kes felt so relieved she almost felt like she might faint herself. What she'd done had worked - she wasn't completely sure how, but it had. She rubbed her neck under her ears though, feeling her own thoughts a little hazy as well. Her neck ached a little too. She tried to snap herself out of it though and clear her mind. Thinking of the danger she was still in and how urgently she needed to be on her way, both for her own sake and for the woman and children she'd promised to help, helped greatly to focus her thoughts. She made her way again out of the city, still being prudently cautious and making sure to stay as out of sight as much as possible.

As she was leaving the city, she had a scare though. She came very close to rounding a corner right into the path of an older male who was walking with a boy. She'd caught herself in time to hide though. Still, as she made her way back to the foothills and retraced her path back to the make-shift house among the stones, her heart was beating fast and her nerves felt on edge.

Before she'd come to this place, she'd never once in her life felt under threat of physical harm before. Now she felt like that almost constantly, and she very much wanted it to stop.

* * *

to be continued

and I'm always happy to get comments (even really short ones)


	5. When At First I See The Sun (5)

When Kes returned to the starving family's house and came through the door, the woman she'd met before was still there with her daughter. Only now, she was laying down on her side, her daughter cradled in her arms in a dead sleep. The woman didn't stir when she came in, and Kes would have thought she were asleep too, if she couldn't sense mentally that she was still at least half-awake. Looking to the side, she saw the woman's son sitting on the other cot, eyes half-open and leaning against the wall. He was clearly only still awake because he was forcing himself to be. She sensed from him that he'd been lost in his own thoughts, in self recriminations if she was understanding at all correctly.

He looked over at her and she almost expected to see what she'd seen on those other boys' faces: Anger and challenge - she half thought that was somehow an inborn trait for the males of this race of people. But the boy only looked at her with a vague curiosity and not just a little guarded weariness of spirit. Still though, there was also some remnants of defiance and pride in his eyes. As though he were trying to tell her, without words, that he knew very well that he was at her mercy, but that wouldn't give in none-the-less if she tried to take advantage of that fact.

She shook her head a little, not quite knowing what to make of that way of thinking about things. In any case, she returned her attention to the woman. She went over to her and knelt by her, shaking her by the shoulder just a little. -I'm back.- She spoke softly, mind to mind, as she watched the woman open her eyes. Their eyes met and Kes smiled softly to her, the woman looking at her in wonder and reaching out to touch her face and hair. Kes let her for a moment, then gently took her hand in both of hers. -I brought food and water for you...- She told her, letting go of her hand and reaching down to the floor for the 50cm container of water, giving it to her.

The woman struggled somewhat to prop herself up enough and took it, gazing at her in even more wonder as she felt the slightly cool metal in her hands. She said something like 'I was sure you weren't real'. Kes took off the lid for her and the woman smelled the water, taking a sip first. Kes got the impression that she did so only to test that it was safe, before nudging her daughter, trying to get her to wake. The little girl woke, but only just - she acted fussy and blurry and moved only a little. Her mother poured a few drops into her mouth though and she seemed to perk up a little bit, enough to drink with her help.

Kes smiled and got the canteen, taking it over to the boy on the other cot and offering it to him. Their eyes met, and, while Kes could tell that his vision was unimpaired, she could also tell that starvation was making it hard for him to think clearly or move. So she got onto the cot with him, opened the canteen, and put it to his lips. He took a few sips and then a few more and soon took hold of the canteen himself and drank fully. Kes smiled. The boy told her something, she got the district impression it must be 'thank you'.

She smiled even more. -I'm glad I could help- She told him, seeing his eyes widen just a little in surprise at hearing a voice in his mind. -Don't worry, you're safe.- She told him softly, glad that her words seemed to make him relax. She got up then and went back to check in with his mother and sister in the other cot.

Kes was pleased to see the little girl drinking more and smiling, though Kes could see now that the girl was sightless, completely.

The girl said something like 'Who's there?'

-My name's Kes, I'm here to help you.- She gently sent the thought to the little girl as she knelt down beside the cot again.

The girl said something back to her. It was hard to make out, but Kes thought the girl might have said that her voice was pretty, or something like that. She seemed to tire out then though, handing the water to Kes and snuggling up to her mother like she had been before, saying something else sleepily that Kes couldn't make out.

-She can't see?- Kes asked the woman.

The woman didn't reply at first. Then she said something that Kes took to mean something like 'She is my daughter', though Kes wasn't really sure what that meant in this context - the impressions she did get didn't quite make sense to her. She decided not to ask now though, because it wasn't really important. Kes sat up a little more and offered the water to the mother again.

-Please drink some yourself, there's enough.- She told her gently.

The woman looked to her children and then to Kes. Kes could tell she was grateful, but her mood was also withdrawn and still a little weary. She got the impression that the woman wanted to ask her why she would do this for them, but did not because she feared it might cause Kes to reconsider her actions.

-You want to ask me why I'm helping you like this, don't you? I can tell.- Kes asked.

The woman looked to her a little startled. She asked something, it was something like 'do you know all of my thoughts?'.

Kes shook her head. -Not really. I can sense your thoughts, but I don't know your language, or much of your frame of reference for that matter, so I can only really pick up on impressions from what you're thinking and try to use those to understand what you're trying to say to me... I probably only really understand about half of the time.- She admitted.

The woman took another sip of water, seemingly more at ease with her now somehow. Though Kes couldn't be sure how much the woman really understood her any more than she could be sure she really understood any of this race of people. The woman asked something else then, something like 'Where do you come from? You are an...' She didn't understand the last part, it was something like... from above the sky? She must mean where the Caretaker lives, Kes considered. They were always taught that the Caretaker lived far above them, above their world.

-No, I'm from here. From below the surface.- Kes told her.

"Ocampa." The woman spoke the name of her people.

-You know about my people?- Kes asked curiously.

The woman nodded yes, that she did. Saying that it was commonly known that, every once in a while, one of her people would come to the surface. Twice before, that she'd heard of.

-What happened to them?- Kes asked.

The woman shook her head and said that she did not know and had never met one herself, until now.

-That's okay.- Kes said. -I guess it's hardly important right now.- She looked over and saw that the boy was watching her with that same weary, curious look, but now there was... hope there, too. She picked up one of the two sacks of food she'd gotten and opened it. Knowing from what had happened with the water that the woman wouldn't eat before her children had, she took out a piece of fruit and a biscuit and gave it to the boy. -Here, eat. I have enough for your mother, and your sister too, when she wakes up again.- She told him. He looked a little amazed by her, probably by how she was talking to him without words somehow. But he nodded and almost reverently took the food.

He thanked her again.

Kes smiled, happiness bubbling up inside her. Real happiness, like she hadn't felt in what felt like a very long time to her. -You're welcome- She said, smiling and feeling a lot better. -I'm just happy I could help you.- Then she turned back to the bag of food and got some more out and offered it to the woman. -Here, now you eat some too.- She said, almost a little shyly.

The woman smiled a little hesitantly to her and took the food. She took a bite and then looked from Kes to her sleeping daughter.

Kes looked at the girl too now. -She's adorable.- Kes complemented the little girl. -What's her name?- She asked.

"Lanam." The woman said softly.

-And you, what's your name?- She asked the boy.

"...Tresit." He said, not reluctantly exactly, but more like he wasn't really used to talking with other people, besides his family she guessed, and he didn't quite know how to go about it.

-Nice to meet you Tresit, my name is Kes.- She told him.

"Kes." The boy repeated her name, sounding a little unsure of himself.

She smiled softly to him. -Yes, that's right.- She said, turning to the boy's mother. -And... you?- She asked, feeling a little shy somehow again and wishing she could get herself to stop reacting that way to this woman. It was a little embarrassing was what it was.

"Shantoa Anara." The woman said, which Kes understood to mean 'My name is Anara.', or something close to that.

-...it's a beautiful name.- Kes told her simply.

Anara thanked her, then asked... if she could touch Kes's face.

Kes regarded her curiously a moment. The woman saw her, but... -Of course you can.- Kes agreed, moving forward to allow the woman to do as she'd asked.

The woman's touch was gentle and soft and it sent shivers through Kes's body, her eyes fluttering closed a moment when Anara's finger's caressed her ear. -Your touch is... very gentle...- Kes told her. -...your eyes...- She began to say.

The woman sighed and dropped her hand from Kes's face. She spoke and told Kes that she could still see, but not clearly. All she could see was an indistinct figure. Her sight far away was better, but even still, not what it had been when she was a girl.

Kes was very curious about this woman's story, but decided not to ask. She looked tired.

Tresit spoke then, saying that he could see for them. Kes looked over to him. He asked her then how she got the food and water. Kes told him the story of going down into the city and stealing the food and water. She told him that she'd confused the two boys with her mental abilities too, but when he asked her to tell her more, she shook her head and told him that she didn't know herself.

He tried to stay awake, because it was apparent he wanted to ask her more, but Kes could tell he was losing his battle to do so. She went over to him and touched his cheek. -You've been very brave for your family.- She told him a little fondly, already having decided she liked him. His thoughts didn't feel very much like the other males from the city at any rate. He seemed more... much more kind. -It's time to rest...- and she gently nudged him to slumber with her mind.

Anara asked what she had done.

-He was tired but... trying not to show it.- She told her. -I just... gave him a small nudge to get him to sleep, that's all.-

Anara was quiet a moment. 'We are at your mercy...' She told her softly, Kes starting to get the knack of understanding her somewhat better by now. Her translations were still a long way from perfect, but practice, and how open Anara was being with her, was helping. 'I'm afraid my family won't survive unless... you stay with us.' Anara said, seeming like she wanted to ask more.

Kes tried to puzzle it out, but then understanding came to her somehow. -You still want to know why I'm here, why I helped you, but... you're afraid that if you do ask, I'll realize that I don't have to. That you'd only... be a burden to me, isn't that right?- Kes asked gently.

Anara looked at her sadly then, almost desperately, tears coming to her eyes. Kes reached over and gently wiped those tears away. 'I have nothing,' Anara said. 'I am nothing, I am weak. My son is healthy, but no one would have him.' She kept speaking, but Kes stilled her lips, gently touching them with one finger.

-You are not weak. The way you've kept going, for yourself and for your children... a weak person wouldn't do that.- Kes spoke, understanding more and more all the time. -Your daughter, she can't see, she's... she's no good to you for anything, is she? Not in a practical sense. In a practical sense, you shouldn't waste food and water on her, but you do, don't you? Is it really so hard to believe that I'd make the same choice?- Kes asked gently.

Anara regarded her, but then looked down to Lanam in her arms. 'She's my daughter', she said. 'And there was no use in it anyway. I knew... I knew we would all die before long. It was better to have her with me for that long, than to not. You though, you are not my blood, they are not your blood... not even your people...'

-What difference does that make?- Kes asked gently, really not knowing, but understanding that apparently it did make a difference to Anara, to her people.

Anara looked back to her in confusion. She just shook her head and said nothing, though the look in her eyes said a lot.

Kes yawned and smiled, a little embarrassed. -I think we could both use some sleep.- She looked around and then realized that her own bedding was still with her things, hidden on the other side of the city where she'd left them. -I... my things, I had to leave them. I don't have anywhere to sleep...- She confessed, feeling out of sorts having to confess that.

Anara groaned a little, sitting up through her obvious fatigue. She asked Kes if she could carry Lanam over and put her to bed with her brother. Kes regarded the other woman a little curiously at the request, but agreed without asking questions, picking Lanam up and settling her in with her brother. Lanam snuggling up to her brother automatically just as she'd done with her mother, Tresit automatically holding her protectively in his arms. They looked very cute. She was smiling fondly when she turned to Anara. The smile fell away when she saw Anara sitting there on her cot nearly nude. Kes swallowed. She was so completely beautiful...

"Kes?" Anara asked softly, looking around.

-Um, yes?- Kes asked, getting up to her feet. Part of her thought she should say something else, but she couldn't think of what that could possibly be at the moment.

Anara then offered to share her cot with her. It wasn't a sexual overture, there was no mistaking that is wasn't. Kes could easily tell that she was just offering her a place to sleep because she needed one and because she was grateful and it wasn't more than that.

So, a little reluctantly, Kes agreed. It was awkward for her, and she kept mostly silent as she took off her outer clothing, leaving herself in close-fitting while shorts and a sleeveless shirt and sat on the edge of the cot. Anara didn't seem to think anything of it at all though. Kes swallowed a little nervously, and Anara came up behind her, holding her shoulders and moving close to her. Kes felt heat flush through her all over, it was shocking how nice that felt. Anara's skin was so soft, her touch sure and comforting in a way Kes very much liked...

'Lay down with me' Anara spoke gently.

Kes was powerless not to do as she was asked. -Sorry, I was... lost in thought for a moment.- Kes told her as she turned and brought her legs up onto the cot. Until that moment... she hadn't fully realized it... how lonely she'd felt all this time. She supposed now would be the time she'd see it most clearly though, when she wasn't alone anymore. So she lay down with Anara under her blanket. Anara wrapped her arms around her and cuddled up to her, sighing and immediately falling away to sleep next to her.

Kes lay there and thought to herself about how this felt... She'd... never lain with anyone like this. When she was younger, she'd shared a bed with Tae a few times, but they'd both been too young to think anything of it. Still, Kes remembered loving that feeling of being so close to her friend and wishing that Tae could sleep with her like that every night. Even then, though she hadn't known what it was, she'd been falling in love with her best friend.

Laying here with Anara though, it was very far removed for her from those memories she had of Tae and her as children. This was... she found herself relaxing and smiling. It was a completely wonderful feeling. She cuddled with Anara a little more, finding the scent of her hair soothing. The feel of her skin, the sound of her breath, the way her hair felt on her skin... it felt all felt strange and perfect and just... right.

She knew not to hope for anything with this woman, but, still, she didn't feel alone anymore, and more... she felt safe - safe in a way those men she'd met had taken from her. Those were wonderful things, amazing gifts that she was grateful for, even if this was all it ever would be.

She drifted off to sleep, content.

* * *

to be continued

and I'm always happy to get comments (even really short ones)


	6. By The Water's Edge (1)

In the morning, Kes woke with the first rays of sun and found that Anara was laying half on top of her and she was stuck - not that she couldn't have easily freed herself but, if she moved, she might wake her. Kes's arms were around Anara's back, Anara's head resting next to hers. The weight of her felt... so amazing. And the scent of her hair was heady and wonderful. Kes found herself tracing her fingers over the soft skin of Anara's slim but firmly muscular biceps. The warmth and sheer comfort she felt went to her head a little and she found herself simply snuggling up to the woman in bed with her a little more and closing her eyes, content just to lay like this until Anara woke on her own.

Not that much later though, Kes heard Lanam stirring and making fussy sorts of noises like she wasn't quite awake and was scared of something in her dreams. Anara woke up immediately and got out of bed automatically, going over to her and picking her up, taking her with her back to the cot she and Kes shared and rocking her in her arms, saying soft, comforting words to her. Kes had sat up and watched this, at some point moving in closer behind her and resting her head on Anara's shoulder, wrapping her arms around her. -She's so cute and adorable like this, isn't she?- Kes asked softly.

Anara replied, said something, and Kes understood her clearly. What she said meant 'She lights my way in life'.

Tresit stirred in bed then, sitting up and blearily wiping his eyes. He looked over to them, confusion written plainly on his face. He didn't speak though, and got up, going to find his shirt. He was still a little unsteady on his feet though, Kes could tell. As he sat back down on his cot, she got up from bed and went over to get some water. She brought the 50cm container to Tresit. -Drink.- She told him gently, before moving on and bringing the canteen over to Anara and Lanam.

Tresit didn't drink or speak, he just watched. Once Lanam had drank some of the water, then he did, but only a little. He got up and brought it back to her, still not saying anything. Kes took it and drank a few sips herself. Lanam slowly seemed to wake up and greet her mother happily. She didn't say she was hungry, but Anara asked her if she was. Lanam said that it was okay, that she didn't need food. 'We have plenty now' Tresit told her, bringing her some of the dried fruit.

Lanam asked him why. He said something like 'because you've been such a good sister and made our lives so happy, a kind guardian spirit watches over us now... she's brought food for us'. Kes was immediately touched by the thoughtful words, though she did have a hard time with what he meant by 'guardian spirit', if those were even the words he used. She knew he was referring to her though, she could tell that much.

"Zaraya Kes." Anara echoed gently, touching her daughter's hair fondly in a comforting way. Zaraya was the same word Tresit had used that Kes had thought meant 'guardian spirit'. The way Anara had used the word though, Kes was even more sure she didn't understand what the word meant that well at all. Silently, Kes wished that she could understand their language more.

An hour later, Tresit, who was still mostly quiet, had taken his sister, who was happy and liked to talk about anything, outside to play a game. Kes had watched them for a few minutes. It apparently involved one laying stones out on the ground and then the other would guess what it was supposed to be. Tresit, Kes could tell, was completely committed to his sister. He was, Kes was pleased to find, patient and exceedingly kind with her.

Inside the home however, Anara went over to the cot they'd shared before. She was wearing a sleeveless shirt of dull white fabric now. She looked beautiful and exotic to Kes's eyes and she had to keep reminding herself not to stare at Anara's body. Anara asked her then to please sit with her on the cot.

Kes did, sitting facing her, crossing her legs in front of her and regarding Anara with interest. Anara moved forwards and touched her face. She said that her people have not believed in guardian spirits (or whatever she meant) since long ago, but that she was... very grateful to her. She said that without what she had done, and done by putting herself in danger, she and her children would have died. Then she asked what Kes's plans were, what she was going to do now?

-I'll stay with you.- She told her softly, and she could see the relief on Anara's face as she told her that. -If you want me to, I will - at least until I'm not needed anymore. Then, um, well, I was going to go home, after...- She hesitated and shook her head, smiling a little. -It's not important. Besides, you're good company.- She told her honestly.

Anara smiled a little wistfully to her. 'You don't even know me, or my children,' she said. 'I wish I could do something to repay you.'

-Then... then sit and talk with me. Tell me about yourself, what your life has been like. All my life, I've wondered what was out there, beyond the world that I knew. You're the first one I've met who...- She shook her head again. -I'm just, I'm happy I met you, that's all.- She told her honestly.

Anara regarded her curiously then, as if she were trying to figure out what to make of her. A small, soft, hesitant smile came to her lips after a moment though. 'I wish I could see your face.' She said.

Kes moved forward and took her hand gently and brought it to her face. -Here.- She said.

Anara caressed her face, apparently trying to form a better picture in her mind. She shook her head and let her hand drop. She started to tell her story then. She said that when she was a small girl, she had brothers. That her family was... Kes couldn't understand the word she used then at all.

-Wait.- Kes said. -It's... it's hard for me to understand. I... I wonder if I could... you see, there might be a way for me to understand you more. To learn your language, and what the words mean. But...-

'But what?' Anara asked.

-But I would have to... um, to sort of touch your mind. I've never done anything quite like it before, but I think I might be able to learn your language that way, if you'd let me try...?- She asked, mostly going on instinct that it was possible at all.

Anara seemed to think it over a moment. Then she said that yes, of course, that she could hardly deny her a request like that.

-No, I don't want you to say yes because you think you owe me something. Only say yes... if you're truly comfortable with what I'm asking you for.- Kes told her.

Anara seemed to think about it a moment, then she nodded, and said that she was comfortable with it. That she trusted her.

Kes smiled a little softly at that, then wished that she felt as confident in herself with this as Anara seemed to be. Hesitantly, she came over closer to the other woman and brought her hands to Anara's cheeks, then forward into her hair. -Just relax, alright?- Kes said to her gently.

She could sense Anara doing as she asked. Not fighting her at all as she went into her mind. She focused on language and understanding. She caught flashes of memories, from when Anara was a little girl and her mother played word games with her to teach her to speak. Remembered watching Anara's father, stern but noble, talk as their family ate, telling them of his day. She remembered two brothers, one mean spirited, the other her defender.

The memories were mostly just impressions, vague and fleeting, but a few of them came through clearer. Kes tried to avoid seeing them, to focus on learning the language of... the Kazon. That was what Anara's people were called. They weren't from this world, instead they'd come here, all the way from another planet, to mine for the materials in the ground.

It was working, she was understanding.

It was hard, and tiring, but finally, the understanding simply seemed to slide into place within her. "I understand..." She said softly, speaking in the Kazon language, opening her eyes and meeting Anara's nearly sightless gaze as Anara's eyes also fluttered open.

"That was... I could feel you, in my mind. You... you really are as kind as you seem, aren't you? I could feel it..." Anara said softly, looking down at her hands and shaking her head a little before meeting Kes's gaze again as best she could. "I've... I've never met anyone like you before, Kes."

Kes smiled, feeling flattered and warmed inside at her words. "Thank you." She said.

"I... you speak now, so it worked?" Anara asked.

Kes nodded. "It did." She said aloud. "So many new concepts though, I think it's going to take me a while to get used to."

"You are a wonder." Anara told her softly.

Kes smiled, a little shyly. "Thank you." She answered softly, yawning. "But, I'm also tired from doing that..." She admitted.

"Then... then lay your head on my lap, and I'll tell you what you asked of me... My children say that I'm a very good storyteller." She offered with a little of a hesitant smile.

"Then I'm sure you are." Kes told her, doing as she said and laying her head down on Anara's lap.

"...When I was a young girl..." Anara started.

"You had a kind mother, a stern yet noble father, and two brothers. One, your protector, the other, your tormentor..." Kes said softly. "I tried to avoid it, but I... I saw some of your memories. Mostly, they were vague. But I remember that much, at least. Not very much else. Other than that... you liked to dance, and you loved your family more than anything."

"...yes." Anara said softly. "Yes, what you say is true..." She told her. Kes looked up and saw that Anara was crying a little, soundlessly. She got up and wiped the tears from her eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Anara... I..." Kes began, but Anara took her hand from her cheek and closed it in hers.

"Do not be sorry." Anara told her softly. "It's only, it's been so long since... since I've spoken to anyone like this. About them. I tell my children stories of them at times, but... it's not the same. To have someone else who remembers them too, if only a little. It's a relief." She said gently. "You shouldn't apologize for that. If anything... I should thank you, zaraya Kes."

'Zaraya', Kes understood what that word meant now. It meant... daughter of Kazerel. Kazerel was the Kazon goddess of light. It used to be a literal belief among Anara's people, that the gods and goddesses blessed some among them and adopted them as sons or daughters. Calling a woman that now though meant more that she was an inspiration, or a savior, or very bold or brave... it could also mean that she was beautiful. "If I'm a daughter of Kazerel, Anara, so are you... very much so." Kes told her, caressing her cheek and squeezing her hand.

Anara smiled a little falteringly. "You are mistaken, but charmingly so." Anara told her. "Now... you should rest. You still want to hear my story, don't you?" Anara asked. Kes swallowed. She wanted to kiss Anara, she realized. She fought the instinct as she had many, many times with her friend Tae before and instead did as she was asked and lay her head again on Anara's lap and was silent, waiting.

"I named Tresit for my father, and Lanam for my husband's mother." She said, and Kes knew now that that was tradition for the mother to name the children, and to name them for distinguished ancestors. "My father was a well respected warrior... won many battles. The maj thought highly of him and gave him command of one of our smaller outposts. It was there that I had my childhood. I had a good home. My brothers, as you said, they were as night and day. Ralka, the eldest, always wanted to follow in our father's footsteps, while Tulk, he fell in with a group of boys. A cruel and mean-hearted group of beastlings, all of them.

"Once, when I was nine years old, I..." But her words trailed off as Kes's eyes flew open and she sat up.

"Nine years?" She asked softly.

"Yes... why is that important?" Anara asked confused.

"Um, may I ask, what age are you now?" She asked her.

"Nineteen years, and some months, I think it would be. Why?" Anara asked.

Kes shook her head in wonder a little. "My people don't live so long, usually only seven or eight years at most." Kes told her. "How... how long do your people live for?" She asked.

Anara regarded her with undisguised surprise. "I... most don't live past forty years. Some to forty-five or so." She told her. "Kes... how old are you?"

"One and a half years." Kes told her. "I thought... I thought you were perhaps a month or two older, four of five at most, I never thought..." She looked at Anara in wonder. "And, Lanam, Tresit?" She asked.

"Lanam is four years, Tresit six years..." Anara told her quietly. "...how could it be...?"

"That I am younger than Lanam?" Kes shook her head. "How... how do you count years?" She asked, but then realized that she already knew, and that, though there was a difference, it only meant that an Ocampan year was a little less than a month longer. "No, wait, I already know that. It's not that, your people really do age that much slower than mine." She looked over to Anara, not quite sure what to make of this news, if it was important or not. It certainly felt like it was.

"Oh, Kes..." Anara caressed her cheek and Kes smiled at the contact, feeling comforted. "That's why you seemed so... innocent, isn't it?" She asked. "It's strange though, you seem just as old as I am, in other ways. We certainly look..."

"We look the same age." Kes finished for her.

"We do..." Anara told her gently, caressing her face again a little. "And you seem... don't worry about it, though. Come, let me tell you more of my story."

Kes brought her hand up to touch the hand that was caressing her. She closed her eyes and smiled. "Alright." She agreed, laying her head back down in Anara's lap and closing her eyes again as Anara began again to tell her stories from her childhood, of the small adventures she'd had with her brother, Ralka, and how he would fight for her against Tulk and his gang of beastlings.

She thought about the age difference between them, of how much Anara must have seen and witnessed, having lived for such a long time. How she would continue to live on long after Kes herself was dead. It seemed fantastic - what would she do, she thought, if she were able to live that impossibly long a life? And more, she wondered, would Anara treat her differently? Now that she knew she was... younger than her own children? It was an unpleasant thought, because... because she found she would very much prefer it if Anara regarded her as an equal, as a grown woman. By her people's standards, she was one. Though she wouldn't be considered fully adult until she had a child. By Anara's standards though... what would she see? For more than one reason, Kes wanted her to see her as the adult she considered herself to be... for one reason in particular. That, though she knew she might be hoping again for something that was simply not to be, she was... becoming very attracted to this woman. She wanted to get to know her more. Wanted... to be with her. Even if all they did was sleep together like they had last night, she thought, she could live with that.

As Anara told her story, she stroked Kes's hair, her scalp, in slow circles. It felt so nice, that soon, before she could stop herself, she'd fallen off to sleep again.

She woke to the sound of children laughing some minutes later. She blinked in surprise, because she hadn't meant to fall asleep. She got up and looked around, a little confused. She heard Anara laugh softly, just a little, and she looked over next to her. She'd still been sleeping on the other woman's lap, and she looked amused. "What?" Kes asked, finding that Anara had a very charming smile and a musical way of laughing that made her feel happy to hear it.

"Only that you are very cute." Anara told her. "And so are they."

A little blankly, Kes looked over and saw Lanam and Tresit, playing at wrestling. Tresit was obviously letting his little sister win and having fun doing so. Kes smiled fondly. "You're right, they are." She agreed.

"I... hadn't thought I'd see them like this again." She said back, just as fondly, coming over behind Kes and wrapping her arms around her waist from behind. "Thank you. I wish I had some way to repay you..." She lay her head on Kes's shoulder.

"You don't have to." Kes said, a little of a happy laugh coming to her as well as she watched the two children together. "Watching you all happy again, it's more than payment enough."

"...are you sure of that?" Anara asked softly, a little hesitation in her voice that Kes could only just detect.

"Of course I am. Why? What do you mean?" She asked, turning around a little in Anara's arms.

Anara just smiled a little and shook her head. "No. It's... it's nothing." She said.

"Oh. Alright..." Kes answered. "I'm sorry I fell asleep on you like that." She said. "I really did want to hear the rest of your story." She told her.

"It's alright. You were tired. You..." She shook her head. "Never mind." She smiled a little. Kes somehow got the impression that... Anara had liked the way she'd looked while she'd been sleeping, but was too shy to say so. That charmed and worried Kes both. Worried, because she shouldn't _know_ that. Was she picking up Anara's thoughts without meaning to?

If she was, it was the first time she'd noticed herself doing that. She didn't want to do that again without permission. Her people believed very strongly that using telepathy like that was wrong. Kes shook her head a little. "Um, sorry. I should go, get my supplies. If... I'm going to stay here with you, they'll be useful to have. You, um, you do still want me to stay with you, don't you?" Kes asked.

Anara caressed her face again. "Of course I do. I want..." She shook her head. "Just be safe, Kes. Return to me..."

"Don't worry, I will." She told her, caressing her face a little in return, as much as she dared without seeming overly familiar.

"I will go with you." Tresit spoke up. Having gotten up from his and his sister's bed, he was coming over stand before them.

"Oh, thank you, Tresit. But I don't think..." She looked to Anara for guidance.

"Take him with you." Anara said.

"It's my duty to go. My father would be ashamed of me if I let you go into danger without me." He told her with determination.

"Where... where is your father?" Kes asked, looking from Tresit to Anara.

"He's..." Anara started to say.

"He died bravely, a... a noble death. Yes, mother?" Tresit said, a little vulnerability in his voice that he tried to cover with bravery of his own.

"Yes, my son speaks truly. A noble death, so we were told." She said softly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. What happened?" She asked Anara and Tresit both, looking between them.

"A campaign." Anara began. "He was conscripted to service. A rival sect wanted to take this planet from us. He and my brothers went to fight. Only one of my brothers returned. Tulk."

"...I see." Kes remembered, and was sure Anara would have rather that if only one among the three were to have returned, Tulk would have been her last choice.

"We had no one left, but him. No family." Anara said.

"He is no family of mine." Tresit protested.

"Tresit..." Anara spoke, then shook her head, looking from Lanam, who was listening to them talk intently, to Kes. "Can we talk of this... another time? Please, Kes?"

"Of course." Kes agreed easily, understanding that there were things that Anara did not want to say in front of the young Lanam... though, Kes supposed that, as hard as it was for her to believe, Lanam had actually lived for more than twice her lifetime so far. It was hard to accept. The girl still seemed so much like the child she appeared to be. Kes would have thought that, despite outward appearances, if the children were really so old, that they would act as adults would. It didn't make sense. The only explanation she could think of was that perhaps Anara was lying to her for some reason, or mistaken somehow, but those explanations didn't seem very likely at all. She especially couldn't bring herself to think Anara would do something like that, or that she'd even have a reason to. She'd been inside her mind, after all, and she hadn't sensed anything that would tell her that Anara wasn't trustworthy. "Well, we should go, before the sun heats the air too much. That is, if you still want to come with me?" She asked Tresit a little playfully.

"Of course I do." He told her, looking to his mother for permission.

Anara nodded to him, and he tried to hide his smile.

"Let's be going then." She went to Anara and hugged her goodbye. "Don't worry, I'll bring him back to you safe and sound, I promise." She whispered to the other woman.

"I know you will." Anara said softly, though Kes couldn't mistake the undercurrent of fear and worry that were there none the less.

Kes got up and dressed fully. Tresit, seeing her do so, did the same. He saw her knifes and looked impressed.

"Be brave, big brother. I love you, heart and blood." Lanam told him.

Tresit smiled to her, though she couldn't see it, so he caressed her cheek fondly. "Heart and blood, little sister. Always." He told her.

Anara went to her son then and got to her knees and hugged him. "My noble son." She said, the emotion in her voice plain. "I am so proud of you. As I always have been. Be safe."

"I will be. I will come back." He told her.

Anara smiled falteringly, looking from him up to Kes, obviously holding back tears. Kes smiled fondly to her. How could it be that this woman tugged on her heart so, in such a short time? She swallowed her emotion and held out her hand to Tresit. "Let's go then."

He nodded and took her hand, and they left.

* * *

to be continued

and I'm always happy to get comments (even really short ones)


	7. By The Water's Edge (2)

Kes and Tresit were quiet at first as they walked towards the rocks.

"I like your daggers." Tresit said as they climbed over some stones in their way.

"Oh, um, thank you." Kes replied.

"I have one too. It was my father's ...Would you like to see it?" He asked.

Kes paused and sat on one of the rocks. "If you want to show me, alright." She smiled a little. She supposed some things were common between Kazon and Ocampa boys after all. Not that she could say exactly what that thing that they had in common was, but she could remember Farran saying something to her in almost the exact same way when she was a young girl, about a new toy his father had given him. A spinning top that made noise when it whirled around. She'd never heard a girl sound quite the same way.

He took it out and held it out to her, handle first. "The handle has our family's symbol on it. He told me once, he got it from his father, and his father got it from his. All the way back to when we were slaves, maybe even before, he didn't know."

"It's very well taken care of, for something so old." Kes told him, wondering about what he'd said about his people having been slaves, but deciding not to ask just now.

"I know. My mother told me, father used to clean it once a week, in a certain way. That she used to like to watch him do that. Because he looked... at peace." He told her. "I don't remember him very well. I think I can remember his face sometimes. But, I clean this once a week, like he did. Mother showed me how to." He explained.

"I... I'm sure your father would be very proud of you." Kes told him, handing the knife back.

Tresit was silent at that, looking down at the knife.

"You don't think so?" Kes asked.

He shook his head. "I failed." He said. "I wasn't strong enough."

"Wasn't strong enough for what?" Kes asked.

He looked up at her, a little bit of anger in his eyes. "Isn't it obvious?" He asked. "Come on. We should go." He said.

She got up and followed him, catching up with him easily. "You mean, because you couldn't provide for them, is that it?" She asked.

He nodded 'yes' without saying anything.

"Wouldn't it be your uncle who failed, rather than you? He's an adult, you're not." Kes put forward.

"...he offered to take me in." Tresit told her.

"Your uncle?"

Tresit nodded. "Only me though. That's what mother didn't want my sister to know. He... he wanted me to let them die. I would not... He said I was stupid, stupid like mother, like his brother, and my father. And that I deserved to die with them."

Kes said nothing, though she felt a wave of anger and revulsion go through her, more revulsion even than she had felt towards the man who'd tried to rape her and make her his property. Her mind still could not grasp why that man had wanted to rape her, why they would treat her like property like they had, especially if what Tresit had said were true and it had been done to them once, and this... this was even more incomprehensible to her. Leaving children, family even, to starve to death? Hadn't Anara said that blood relation was _important_ to the Kazon? "...Anara said that blood relationships, they are very important to your people. Your uncle, he wasn't punished for abandoning you like that?" Kes asked.

"No." Tresit almost spat. "He should have been though, he should have been killed. I would... I swore to him that I would prove him wrong. That I would keep mother and Lanam alive, that I would become a man, and then I would show him how wrong he was. In combat. He laughed at me. Kicked me to the ground, and turned away. He was right though, in the end. I couldn't do it. I _was_ weak. If it wasn't for you, they would be dead, if not today, then tomorrow. Me too."

Kes stopped, her hands clenched into fists. She calmed herself with effort and went to sit down on a rock. "You are not weak, Tresit. He his. A grown man, afraid to even try to look after his own family. And you, you were just a boy, younger than you are now." She tried deliberately not to think of the difference in Ocampa and Kazon aging that she'd just discovered an hour ago. "And you were brave enough to try."

Tresit looked at her in confusion. "That doesn't make a difference though. All that matters... is that we would have died, and it would have been for nothing. My uncle... he would have still been alive."

"...You would have still been alive, if you'd gone with him... Would you make a different choice, now? Even if I hadn't happened by, and you'd have died with them? Even if it was inevitable that you would die? Would you have done it any differently?" She asked.

"No, of course not!" He said, as though she were accusing him of something horrible.

"So why is it better that he would have lived when you wouldn't have?" Kes asked. "If you wouldn't want to have a life like his anyway? If you think... that living a life like his would be _worse_ than dying?"

"I... I guess I never thought about it like that." Tresit admitted.

"Your father died, in a battle he wasn't able to win... right?" Kes asked softly. "But you're proud of him for that?"

"...Yes." Tresit told her.

"Then... wouldn't he be proud of you? For doing the same thing? For fighting a battle, even if you couldn't win? And... and seeing it to the end?" She asked. Somehow... somehow, she understood, this was the right thing to say. The thing Tresit needed to hear. She wasn't quite sure how she knew that, but she did know it. Maybe... maybe she'd gained more than language when she'd touched Anara's mind like she had. It... it certainly felt like she had. Though she couldn't quite put a name to what that meant.

Tresit was quiet a moment, looking down at the ground between them. But, then he raised his head and met her eyes. "You're right. He... he would be proud of me, wouldn't he?" He said, a little wonder in his voice. Kes could tell, he honestly hadn't thought his father would have been proud of him before.

"And besides. Now you have a second chance, right? And I'm here to help you." She told him. "Okay?"

"Okay." He said. "But... but I'm going to pay you back one day, zaraya. One day, I'll save you from something, maybe."

Kes smiled to him. "Maybe you will." She said, sitting up and offering him her hand to hold.

He took it and they headed off again.

They had to release their hands soon of course, so they could climb over and between the rocks.

It took a while, but eventually they made their way around the outskirts of the city perimeter, beyond the expanse of open desert that ringed the city, to where Kes had first made her approach when she'd arrived.

The buildings made a wall here, and no one moved about within that either of them could see. This part of the city had abandoned buildings in it, Kes noted, and wasn't in very good repair compared to other areas she'd seen.

The two of them made their way into the city without problems and Kes went to retrieve her pack, relieved when she found it still there and without anything missing. She opened it up and offered her canteen to Tresit. "Take a sip from this."

He did so, but a small one, she noted, before handing it back to her. "Thank you." He said softly. He had his dagger in his hand and, even while he'd been drinking, he remained very serious looking, his eyes keen, looking for danger. She could relate to that, of course, but where it was a matter of survival for her, she could tell, for him, it was also a matter of pride. She wasn't quite sure what she thought of that. Anara had it too, that pride; in a different way than Tresit, yes, but it was still plain to see. Her own people didn't even have a word for it, and Kes found she was still having some difficulty understanding it. She was sure she'd figure it out more though, once she'd had enough time to tease at and test the idea of it.

"You're welcome." She smiled. Taking a similarly small sip herself. She closed her eyes and sensed for anyone nearby. There were people, but none of them close enough to be a threat, probably. "We should go back now."

He nodded. "Yes." He said.

He was nervous, under the pride. She could tell that now. Perhaps even more nervous than she was. She wondered, momentarily, why that was. What had happened to him to make him so on edge like this in the city? He certainly wasn't like that at home with his mother and sister; there, he was relaxed and happy for the most part. She didn't ask about it though. Maybe she would later, but not today. She'd just buoyed his spirits before, she didn't want to bring up possibly bad memories for him right on the heals of that.

They silently left the city and made it back to the rock line without being seen. She could tell Tresit's heart was beating fast and, when they got behind the rocks, he leaned against one and visibly tried to get himself to relax.

Kes didn't say anything, but patiently waited with him, allowing herself the time to relax too. It was only a minute though, before Kes saw Tresit's hands ball into fists as he stood away from the rock and looked to her. "Let's go, okay?" He said.

"Okay." Kes agreed easily, again not saying anything else.

They were half way back when Tresit broke the silence. "I tried to do what you did, you know." He finally said.

"What's that?" Kes asked gently.

"To steal food, water. Before, mother would... would beg, in the streets, for food. Or take jobs, cleaning, things like that, if she could get them. But then, her sight got worse... she couldn't work anymore. I could have worked. In the mines. But... the only job they would give someone my age... it would be very dangerous. Mother made me swear on father's memory that I wouldn't work there, no matter what. So, I started to steal things. I thought I was good at it, but it only took four times for me to get caught. They beat me for what I'd done. Shamed me... Laughed... I made it back home, but I... I passed out as soon as I came through the door. I was sick, a fever, and my leg was hurt besides..." He told her, his words trailing off.

"That's horrible." Kes spoke, feeling deeply for him and wishing she knew something more to say. Wishing too that it hadn't happened to him at all.

"I healed, but, by the time I was well enough to walk, our supplies had run out. I couldn't move from hunger and thirst. I tried to, but I couldn't. That's... that's when you came." He confessed.

"I'm glad I could be there for you." Kes told him.

"Me too. If only for mother and Lanam. But... that's not why I told you those things... for sympathy." He said.

"...Why, then?" Kes asked softly. She could tell that, for him, telling her those things had not been an easy thing for him. That he was still ashamed of his failure, even though her words might have helped him to get over that somewhat.

He looked over to her as they made their way from between two rocks. "So you'll know... What can happen." He looked away again, towards where they were going. "That it's not safe, in the city. You have, whatever kind of power it is you have, I guess... and maybe that means... that you won't be caught like I was. But, in case it doesn't mean that, I just wanted you to know." He looked over to her. "So you'll be careful."

Kes sighed. "Thank you..." She said softly. "But, you don't ever need to worry that I won't be careful. I have my own story... not all that different form yours, in some ways..."

"Oh..." Was all he said.

He didn't ask what her story was, and she was grateful for that, actually. It wasn't something she liked to think about for one thing, and for another... she didn't want to give this sweet little boy anything else to worry about. It was plain to see, he already had more than enough to contend with as it was.

"I have an idea." Kes said. "When we get back, can you teach me that game you were playing? With Lanam? Where you made different shapes? I thought they were beautiful." She told him.

He smiled a little. "If you want, I will... It's a good game." He told her. "Mother invented it for us. Lanam can do it because she can feel the rocks we use, even if she can't see them... There are four other games too, but that one's my sister's favorite."

They talked a little more after that, mostly about small things, lighter topics.

* * *

to be continued

and I'm always happy to get comments (even really short ones)


	8. By The Water's Edge (3)

By the time Kes and Tresit got back, the sun was starting to really get hot and Kes was grateful to get inside under the shade of the make-shift house that was already becoming familiar to her.

They heard soft singing from inside as they came in. Kes paused by the door to listen while Tresit went in and sat down by his mother and sister without saying a word. Kes watched on as Anara looked in her direction smiled just a little shyly to her. Kes couldn't help but smile a little back too, even though she knew Anara wouldn't be able to see it, but she was mostly more than a little lost in the soft melody she was hearing. Anara was singing to her sleeping daughter, a song about how the wind blew over everything and saw so many things on it's never-ending journey.

Kes had never felt the wind until she'd come to the surface. Not really. There were breezes, drafts in the caves, but no _wind_ \- listening to Anara's song, she made it sound like one of the most beautiful, special things in all the world.

When the song was over, Kes went in and sat on the floor before the other woman, smiling softly up to her. "That was beautiful." Kes told her softly, moving to hold her hand.

"Thank you..." Anara spoke, squeezing her hand. "I'm glad you're back." She said, reaching over with her other hand and ran it through his hair a little to show that she, of course, meant him also.

The three of them stayed in and talked after that, waiting out the sun. Before long though, Tresit yawned and went to lay down and rest. He and his sister, very understandably, still hadn't gotten all their strength back. Kes and Anara ended up sitting facing one another on the cot the two had shared last night and talking.

"What's it like, down in your city below the ground?" Anara was asking, after they'd moved on from talking about Lanam growing up. They'd both stayed away from the more unpleasant topics so far, and Kes was glad of that. Not that she wanted not to know, or to hide those things about herself; it was more that, after her talks with Tresit, she'd had enough of those topics for one day. That, and she was having such a nice time with Anara, just talking like this, she wanted it to stay that way for a while. She'd never been able to talk like this with anyone else but Tae, or sometimes Lona, and she'd very much missed it.

Kes smiled softly. "Well, it's not nearly this dry for one thing." She told her. "Though I'm finding the desert... has it's own charms." She told her, flirting a little without having meant to. She'd done that with Tae sometimes too, even though she'd tried not to - not that it mattered, Tae had always seemed not to notice it for what it was in any case.

Anara smiled a little shyly to her at that though. "So, your people have plentiful water then?" She asked.

"We do, yes. The Caretaker built our city by a large reservoir. Our legends say he also made the reservoir itself, though who can say if it actually happened that way or not." She told her.

"This Caretaker - the being in the array, you mean? I've seen it once, when I came to this world with my husband and our family." Anara told her.

"...You've actually seen the Caretaker?" Kes asked, a little incredulous.

Anara shook her head. "Only the array where he makes his home. I don't know of anyone whose actually met the being who lives there. Though there is a story, from many years ago. That, soon after the uprising where my people threw off slavery, an overconfident maj went to the array with his ships and demanded it's owner's surrender. The battle was entirely one-sided. Two ships were destroyed, the third fled to tell the tale."

"...I see." Kes replied, thinking on that a moment. Again the mention of slavery; she determined to ask Anara about that at some point soon.

"Why do you think this Caretaker of yours hid your people away in the first place?" Anara asked.

"The stories tell us that, long ago, there was a great disaster. That the surface of our world became uninhabitable, and that the Caretaker came to us then, and that he led our people to safety, built the cities for us. Once, our world was green and full of life, but, even now, no longer." Kes told her. "It's said that, without the Caretaker, we all would have perished here. How is it that your people don't? How is it you have water and fruit?"

"It's brought in from off-world. We only stay here for the mining." Anara told her. "You're right, noting grows here. Something in the atmosphere prevents it - makes it impossible for life to thrive here unaided."

"I've often wondered what _caused_ the disaster that came to our world... but no one knows, or has any idea what happened." Kes explained.

"Were your people technologically advanced back then?" Anara asked. "I've heard of worlds where such advancements have caused planet-wide disasters - whole races of people can go extinct that way."

Kes shook her head. "As far as I know, our people had no technology at all in the time before. The stories say that we lived among the trees, in harmony with the natural world. Though, it is true that those stories have been passed down through the years so many times... Like with the reservoir's origins, we really have no way of knowing what's true and what's not."

"...I suppose then, assuming your people had no technology, the only way it could have happened would have been that another race caused it, or that it was some sort of naturally occurring phenomenon. The Caretaker himself might even have been the cause." Anara told her.

"The Caretaker? But... why?" Kes asked. "Surely, if he were cruel enough to do such a thing, why would he then have stayed so long to help us?"

Anara shrugged. "Who can say? Maybe he has something to gain in it somehow? Or, maybe he fought an enemy here, and this was the result? Or maybe he was simply careless and regrets it? Whatever the truth of it is, I can tell you that I've never heard of a planet that was green and verdant as yours was suddenly turning into a desert before, nor have I heard of anyone else encountering a being like your Caretaker. I admit, I'm not especially well-traveled or knowledgeable, but it seems a suspicious coincidence that two unheard of events should happen one after the other, without there being a connection."

Kes was silent a few moments as she thought about that. "I suppose you could be right." She smiled a little modestly. "I doubt either of us will ever be able to ask him though, no matter how much I might like the opportunity to, so I guess it doesn't really matter."

"No, I suppose it really doesn't." Anara agreed, quietly sober as she said it. "So, back to my question?" She asked, plainly trying to rally the lighter mood they'd had between them before now. "What is it like, where you're from? What was your life like?"

Kes was glad she didn't ask the other obvious next question: '_and why did you leave?_'. "What's it like...? Very peaceful, mostly. Content, you could say. As I said, the Caretaker gives us everything we need, and most of my people are content with that." She told her honestly.

"Not you, though?" Anara asked intuitively.

Kes smiled at that. "No, not me, you're right. My friends and I, we believed in doing things for ourselves. We started growing plants, gardens of them, in the caves. We made medicines with them, ate food we grew ourselves. And we practiced with our mental abilities. We, I, believed that our abilities used to be much greater than what they are now. The legends of my people say that they were."

"From my own experience with you, I certainly wouldn't be surprised if that were true." Anara told her.

"Some of the elders didn't like what we were doing, but they made no effort to stop us..." And Kes again thought how different her people and Anara's seemed to be. Although she'd already conceded that any race of people who had Anara and her children for members must have it's positive, even wonderful, aspects, as well. It was just, perhaps they were hidden. Of, perhaps Anara, Tresit, and Lanam were simply... happy exceptions. Much like... much like she herself was, she supposed. She had traits that most of the rest of her people didn't possess - it wasn't a stretch at all for her to imagine the same might be true for others, of other races of people.

They talked a while longer, sunset not far away by now. Lanam and Tresit had woken, and they'd all had a sparse meal together, conserving food and water, not eating much more than they needed, though Kes ached inside to be able to offer Anara and her children more. The obvious solution was taking them back with her, below ground, but she didn't mention the idea yet. It might be a little selfish, but she really didn't feel up to that particular conversation just yet... thankfully she had the time. Anara, Tresit, and Lanam wouldn't be strong enough to make the trip for a few days yet probably. Being with Anara and her family like this... it felt like it was healing something inside of her somehow. She just, she wanted a little more time with that feeling before she had to test it against what might be a reality she wasn't ready to handle.

As the sun started to set, Kes found herself outside with Tresit and Lanam, playing their game of making designs of rocks in the sand. As they did, Anara made up stories about the shapes they made. Then Lanam asked Kes if she knew any stories too, and Kes tried to do what Anara had, with, she thought, probably not as much success. When Anara had told her that her children thought her a good story teller, she'd been right, Kes had come to very much agree that she was. Anara had such a beautiful voice too - soft, but a little deeper sounding than she was used to women sounding among her own people. Kes had become sure she'd never tire of listening to it.

As the last rays of sunlight were dimming, Kes again found herself talking with Anara, this time in hushed voices. Tresit and Lanam had already fallen asleep and the two of them were keeping their voices soft so as not to wake them.

"So, Tae, Daggin, Lona, and I went down by the water's edge. Farran was off with the girl he liked, so he hadn't come with us. It's forbidden to swim in the reservoir... either because it's believed not to be safe, or because my people believe it goes against the Caretaker's wishes, or some combination of the two reasons. I'd never heard of anyone getting hurt doing it though. Tae and I had gone down there together plenty of times in fact, and there were never any problems. This was Lona's first time though, and she was so nervous of the water! I'd never seen her that way. She was usually the bravest of all of us. Or she liked to talk like she was, I think. It was her idea to start the gardens, you know. Her and her Daggin's. They're brother and sister." Kes was telling her about one of her favorite memories growing up.

"Describe them to me. What do they look like?" Anara asked.

"Alright. Lona has hair that's almost the color of mine, maybe a little lighter. She's taller than I am, the tallest of all five of us, and kind of... graceful, in how she moves. Her hair is longer, and bushy, and she has dark eyes that are actually kind of mysterious to look at. Like you can never quite guess what's on her mind, but you always would think it was something of the greatest importance. Or something profound, you know?" Kes chuckled a little then. "When we would read each others' thoughts though, practicing our mental abilities, I found out, she's really not like that at all. She's actually very... logical. Thoughtful, yes, but... down to earth, in a way. I always found her comforting to be around, because she always kept an open mind about things." Kes related. In fact, Lona had been the only one she'd told about her feelings for Tae. One evening, when they'd been the only two still tending the gardens they'd started with their friends. Lona had told her that it didn't make very much sense to her, but that she didn't see anything wrong with feeling that way, and that she thought it was wrong of their people to all but ostracize people for something like that. She'd also agreed with her though, that Tae almost certainly wouldn't return her feelings. She'd asked Kes then, 'don't you want to have children, though?'. Kes has told her that it really wasn't important to her (though the truth was, at that point, she'd hardly ever even considered it). And Lona had said 'Now see? That's why I don't really understand it.' Kes wasn't sure she understood it either, not really. But, she also knew, she couldn't and didn't want to change to be another way.

"Daggin, her brother," She continued. "He has short, light brown hair. He's a little taller than I am. Intelligent, patient, outspoken, and... kind of opinionated. But, in a good way, I think. Tae and I met him before we met his sister. Lona was kind of a mystery to us back then - always going off places, we never knew where. Daggin, on the other hand, tended to stay near home. He was always getting into arguments with the elders though, sometimes about even minor things. But it was nice having someone who believed things so strongly, believed a lot of the same things I did." She explained.

"And... Tae?" Anara asked, paying rapt attention as Kes spoke.

"Tae... I always thought she was the most beautiful person I'd ever met. She has dark hair, bright green eyes... her skin is darker than most of my people, almost the color of the sand... she and I used to talk, just... all the time. I never got tired of talking with her. I..." Her voice hitched a little and she had to stop herself because she was sure she might start crying if she kept talking like this. "You know, I'd, um, would you mind very much if we talked about something else? Please?" She asked softly, looking down at her hands.

Anara reached out and covered one of her hands with one of hers. "Of course." She said. "So... what happened?" She asked.

Kes smiled a little at that, feeling very relieved. "In the water, you mean?" She'd almost forgotten she'd been telling a story.

Anara nodded 'yes'.

Kes giggled a little, remembering how the story ended. "Lona wouldn't go in very deep with the rest of us, but her brother was probably better in the water than I was. Tae said we should try to see who could get to the bottom of the water and back up to the surface the fastest. Daggin and I both said okay, so we tried it. Tae and I got down there and back up at about the same time, but Daggin didn't surface at all. We waited a few moments, and Lona looked so nervous. Right as Tae was saying we should go down and look for him, Lona went running into the water and dove down after him. Tae and I were so stunned we didn't move for a moment or two, then we looked at each other and went down after her.

"When we caught up to her she wasn't doing very well, so we both helped her back to the surface. She was totally despondent by that point, convinced Daggin was dead... it really wasn't so funny, I guess. Not that part at least. But what did make me laugh was, the very next moment, Daggin came up over by where Lona had been. He'd found some lavender colored crystal on the bottom of the lake and was going to give it to his sister. He knew she liked pretty things like that, because she made artwork from them. I think he was more surprised than anyone when Lona charged right at him and knocked him down. I think he was in more danger of drowning from that than anything else. I don't think I've ever seen Lona so _mad_ at anyone, before or since. She wouldn't talk to him for _days_ after."

Anara was laughing by now, trying hard to keep quiet enough not to wake her children, and Kes, now that she was done telling the story, laughed a little with her also, though she also felt really wistful too, thinking about that time. Until that moment, she hadn't realized just how much she'd been missing her friends... especially Tae. She remembered they'd both had to pull Lona off of her brother and she'd shrugged them off and stalked away moodily, rebuffing Kes when she'd gone after her to try to calm her down. It took a while, but Lona eventually calmed down and got over it so that a week after it had happened, they'd all been able to laugh about it, even Lona. Though Kes had been sure that, after that, Daggin would surely think twice before doing anything like that again where his sister was concerned.

"I wish I could meet them. Your friends." Anara said.

"...Maybe you will, one day." Kes replied.

Anara looked at her with interest, but didn't say anything. "Kes...?"

"Yes?" Kes asked.

Anara looked like she was about to say something, but then shook her head. "You... you have a very sweet laugh."

Kes smiled at that. "Thank you..." She said. "So do you." She took Anara's hand in hers and squeezed it a little. "I... we should sleep now, probably - don't you think?" She asked.

"I was thinking the same thing." Anara replied.

"...I... have my bedding now. You... we don't have to share this cot..." She started to offer, even though sleeping separately from Anara was just about the very last thing she wanted to do in the world right then.

"No... that is... I'd... I'd like it if you'd sleep with me, Kes... I've... I've missed that. Having someone..." Her words trailed off and she withdrew her hand from Kes's, looking down at the cot between them. "If it's too much to ask though..."

"No! No, of... of course it's not." Kes said a little haltingly. Her emotions now feeling very close to the surface. "I... I enjoyed sleeping next to you, Anara. Very much so." Kes admitted quietly.

Anara smiled softly to her. "Good then..." She got up a little and went about undressing for sleep. Kes watched silently for a long moment, swallowing a feeling of nervous anticipation, that and... trying to convince herself repeatedly that kissing this woman wasn't going to happen for her and that she had to live with that. She sighed and went about undressing herself, casting an occasional glance at Anara as she did.

When she was done, she moved off of the cot to let Anara get in under the blanket, Anara holding the blanket open for her in invitation. Kes swallowed a sudden nervous impulse toward hesitation and got in next to her.

Anara silently welcomed her into her arms before snuggling up to her and holding her close. Kes was only too willing to return the embrace, wrapping her arms around the other woman and moving as close to her as she could, sighing a little in content happiness and closing her eyes.

They didn't speak, and Kes felt no need to say anything. It was so temptingly easy, in fact, not to think of anything at all and to just let herself fall off to sleep.

* * *

to be continued

and I'm always happy to get comments (even really short ones)


	9. What My Lips May Never Speak (1)

When Kes awoke the next morning, she felt fingers trailing through her hair... She opened her eyes and met Anara's nearly unseeing pale red eyes looking back into hers. The look in them took her breath away a little. "Anara..." She spoke.

Anara shook her head and smiled a little. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have been..." She started to apologize, laying down beside her.

"No, it's alright..." Kes hastened to reassure her, turning onto her side to face her. "Only..." She touched her face. "Why were you...?" She asked softly.

"I was trying to imagine... what you looked like." Anara told her, though Kes had the feeling her sleeping companion wasn't being completely honest.

"Is... is that all?" Kes had to ask, though she wasn't at all convinced it was smart for her to press on.

"...No..." Anara spoke, turning over to lay on her back and gaze sightlessly up at the ceiling.

"...Then what?" Kes asked.

"I... you... desire me. My sight is... but it's... it's obvious to see..." She admitted softly. Left unsaid was that maybe Anara thought that was the reason Kes was doing what she was for her and her children. And... there might be some truth to that, but it wasn't the main reason... just the main reason why she liked sharing her bed so much. Which maybe was bad enough, now that she was really thinking about it in terms of what Anara might think of her for it.

"Oh..." Was all Kes could get herself to say. She felt shame and dread close around her heart like a hand was gripping it...

"It's... for many other races, I know, it's common enough... Many times, it's even what's normal and expected... Not for my people, but..." Anara trailed off.

"What... what is it like for your people?" Kes found herself asking, hoping to forestall what she thought might be coming.

"It... doesn't happen. With men, yes, it can - there is no taboo against it and it's usually accepted. With women... if it does happen, the women who do it would know better than to let anyone know of it." She told her. "I... that is to say, I never considered... but..."

"It's alright... and... I should have told you that I felt this way before... before I shared a bed with you like this..." Kes admitted, embarrassed and guilty.

"Oh no, no... I..." Anara sat up and looked down at her hands. Then they heard the children begin to stir.

"We... we can talk about this later." Kes told her, getting up to sit beside her.

"Yes, later... but..." Anara moved in and... Kes's world was thrown upside-down... Soft lips on her, kissing her... a tongue, entering her mouth... She responded, she couldn't help herself... like she'd been starving, dying of thirst, and only now been given water. Then it stopped, and Kes couldn't think. "You should know... I'm not averse to the idea. Not at all." She heard Anara say in a deep, soft voice that had Kes almost as undone inside as the kiss had just made her.

Anara got up out of bed and went to see to her children. Kes stared blankly after her, her hand coming up to touch her lips. She felt herself smile a little, a light felt like it was blooming in her heart and she felt like laughing. Her cheeks felt hot, and she felt herself fall back onto the cot, her eyes staring as unseeingly as Anara's ever had. She was happy... in fact, she felt like she actually understood the word happy in a way she never had before...

"Oh, wow..." She heard herself say in just a soft whisper.

Before she could think anymore about it though, Lanam was climbing up onto the cot to get on top of her and ask why she was laying there and not saying anything. Kes laughed and swept the little girl up in her arms. She got up and sat her down on the floor, telling her she'd get dressed and then they could all play a game again.

All morning they behaved just like... like a happy family, really. Kes kept stealing glances at Anara, who didn't seem to be acting as if anything had changed between them of consequence at all. She maybe smiled a little more to her, or spoke to her with a little more warmth than before... or maybe, Kes thought, she was only imagining it. The kiss though, and what Anara had said to her afterwards, kept playing out over and over again in her mind, and every time they did, Kes felt happy all over again.

Before long though, it was the time that Kes had been planning for the previous day. An hour passed when all the men would be gone to work in the mines. The sun hadn't gotten really hot yet, and wouldn't for a few more hours yet. The cliffs had just ceased giving most of the city their shade. It was time to go back, to find more provisions. If she was going to provide for Anara and her family, it would be best to have a reserve stock of food and water. And if, after she discussed it with Anara, they decided to leave and go back to the Ocampan city where she'd come from, then, ideally, they'd wait a few days at least until Anara and her children were better fed and in better health before going, and they'd need to be well stocked with provisions for all of them for the trip as well.

All of which meant she and Tresit would be going down to the city again. She wanted to go alone, but she knew enough to know that Tresit would be badly hurt if she didn't let him go with her. That he wouldn't understand, and that Anara might even take offense as well if Kes even tried to convince him that he should stay... even though she knew very well that he _should_ stay.

She thought about it more though, and made up her mind that she should at least take Anara aside and ask her if there was a way they could convince Tresit to stay this time without harming his sense of self-worth.

So it was, a little later, in hushed tones, Kes asked her question. "I was thinking that I need to go get more supplies for us today." She told her.

"Can't... can't that wait for a time?" Anara asked, sounding apprehensive of the idea.

That warmed Kes's heart, that Anara was concerned about her so. It was definitely a good sign. Kes shook her head though. "We should have some in reserve, and you and your children still need to get your strength back. It's not a good time to be rationing so much as we are." She explained, holding back on her idea to take them home with her for now. That was a much longer conversation that she'd save for later in the evening when there was more time to have it... Assuming, of course, that she'd make it back this time. She planned to. She was determined to. But she also knew her luck might run out. That was why she was determined to at least ask what she was going to ask next.

"I suppose so..." Anara agreed deferentially.

"It's just..." Kes went on. "Is there a way, something we can say... so Tresit won't feel like he has to come with me this time?" She asked. "It's dangerous, and... I can do it by myself. There's no need for him to take a risk like that too." She told her, hoping Anara would have a good answer for her. "Besides, if we're both caught, then there'd be no one..."

Anara was quiet a moment. "...I know there's truth to that... and I worry for him too, more than I can ever tell him... but no. If you go, he must too. It is... simply the way of things..." She told her softly.

"But..." Kes started to say.

Anara brought a finger to touch her lips, though she seemed a little shy in doing so. "It would disgrace him. I have been the one to raise him, so he is... gentler than most males would be, but he is still a male... he would not forgive this easily."

Kes wanted to say '_but he would still be alive_', but she felt that would just make this harder and hurt Anara more to say aloud what she must already know. No, this wasn't an argument she was going to win, she could tell that... She hadn't really thought it would be... She'd just... had to try. "Alight... I just, I had to ask." Kes told her softly, looking more than a little longingly into Anara's eyes, and knowing Anara wouldn't know, wouldn't see. The idea of... of Tresit being hurt, and it being her fault... she couldn't stand to think of it. Not only was she growing more fond of him and his sister by the minute, but the idea of causing Anara that much pain, it wasn't something she could face thinking about over-much. And she didn't really understand why Tresit had to go with her... She understood enough to know that it was true, to sense his and his mother's feelings about it, but... that didn't mean she felt she could ever understand this, not really, not in her heart.

"It... does you honor that you did..." Anara told her softly, almost shyly.

"Thanks..." Kes replied, feeling a little unsure of herself.

"Kes..." Anara spoke.

"Yes?" Kes replied curiously.

"I would... offer myself to you, upon your return... If you... wanted to claim me... that is... you... I would find it... very agreeable... to be yours..." She finished sounding as shy and deferential as Kes had ever heard her.

Kes felt her cheeks, her whole body, warm at that. "I... I'd like that... I'd like to be yours too, Anara." Kes told her softly.

Anara looked up at her, a look of... almost wonder on her face, or maybe it was shock? "...Mine?" She asked, the word carrying volumes.

Kes touched her cheek softly. "Yours..." Kes confirmed, her emotions feeling too close all of the sudden.

Anara touched her hand reverently and Kes, feeling confused and flustered and overwhelmed... in a good way, but still, she felt like she wanted to run away, at least for a little while.

Anara was smiling shyly to herself. "I... never considered that..." She admitted softy.

"Then... I'll, um, leave you to... consider..." Kes told her softly, getting up. "And don't... I'll keep him safe, with my life, I promise I'll bring him back to you if... if it's possible. I swear I will..." She caressed her hair and Anara looked up at her, a brave smile on her lips. A look that told Kes that... Anara had faith in her. Anara's hand touched hers and Kes felt the weight of it, the weight of her belief in her... but liked how it felt all the same.

She let her hand drop and walked over to where Tresit was telling his sister a story. She knelt down beside them. "I'm going to go find more supplies in the city..." She spoke.

He nodded. "I'll ready myself then." Tresit answered, getting up and going to get his knife.

* * *

to be continued

and I'm always happy to get comments (even really short ones)


	10. What My Lips May Never Speak (2)

Kes and Tresit got ready to go, making what few preparations they needed to, and then said their goodbyes to Anara and Lanam (hugs were involved).

As they walked, Kes was silent and caught up in her own thoughts, and Tresit somehow sensed that she didn't want to talk.

Kes had to think what a wonder it was, and what a gift... that someone like Anara, who had suffered so much in her life, had given her such faith and opened her heart to her the way she was doing.

The other part... The part about... claiming her... In essence, what Anara had done was to ask her to be her wife.

Unfortunately, Kes knew, it wasn't as simple as that. She knew from what she'd gathered from Anara's mind what that meant... what the word 'claim' meant. It was how Kazon were married. A man would seek out a woman and gain assent from her family (assuming she had one). If a male from the woman's family didn't challenge and defeat him in a fight, he would give her a token (usually a family heirloom) for her to wear on her body. Then, if no other man challenged his declaration of intent towards her and defeated him in a fight in two days time, the man could claim the woman (or bed her, in other words) and they were married. A woman... To one extent or another, it was seen as a sign of weakness if a man took a wife who wasn't willing... but it also wasn't seen as a crime if he did... And, because of the Kazon's taboos about men or women being unmarried past a certain age, there was a lot at stake for a woman if she said no too many times...

Marriage among the Kazon, it didn't mean the same thing as it did for her people. In Kazon society, a woman was, in large part, considered like property - subservient to their husband's will and desires. That's what Anara had offered her... ownership of her. Hopefully, what Anara had meant wasn't as bad as some of the worst of the ways it could be taken... Kes really didn't think Anara had meant it that way. But still, she knew Anara had been raised as a Kazon and thought of things in those terms, and that's why Kes had felt she had to offer to let her claim her in return, to let Anara know that she didn't want to own her, that she wanted to be her wife - with the meaning that would have in Ocampa society, not in Kazon society.

In Kazon society, their marriage wouldn't even be allowed, Anara had said... Among the Ocampa, even though they would be largely ostracized, at least no one would say they couldn't be together. No one would think they were like... objects, just because of their gender. No one would doubt that they were married just like anyone else. After all, why else would two women (or two men) take on the burden of being all but outcasts if they didn't love each other that much?

"...You want to claim her, don't you?" Tresit finally spoke as they walked.

Kes stopped and looked at him. She was a little taken aback, but managed to hide it quickly. "...Not exactly... but yes." Kes admitted. "How did you know?" She asked.

"It's easy to see..." Tresit told her softly. "I don't know much about... things like that. But I know enough to tell." He told her, looking like he was thinking very hard about the subject, trying to figure it out. "What did it mean, 'not exactly'?" He asked.

Kes sighed and continued walking with him, making their way through the rocks. "It's just... it's different where I come from. People don't claim each other... it's more like... friends, just... a lot closer friends."

"Well... however it works... I want you to know that I think it's good." He told her. "You make her happy... even more than Lanam and I do. She smiles all the time now... I think you should claim her... or whatever the other word for it is." He told her.

"...You do?" She asked softly.

"Of course. Why not?" He asked. "If it's because you're not Kazon, I don't think that should matter. Some people think it does - my uncle hates other races. I think he's wrong though. I think he's wrong about everything and right about nothing." He pronounced bitterly. "...And I think father would have wanted mother to have someone to protect her, if he couldn't anymore."

Kes smiled fondly. "She's got you, you know." She told him softly.

"...I'm not enough. It's obvious I'm not, and I was stupid to think I could be. I'm small, and young... I'll grow to be strong one day, if I survive that long, but... that's not today. And even then, it... I'm her son. It's not the same. It's not enough." He told her.

Kes's smile stayed right where it was. "I'm honored." She told him.

"...Good." Was all he said back.

She felt a little like laughing, but stubbornly kept herself from doing it. She was sure Tresit would be offended - especially if she told him how cute he was being about all this. Instead she refocused herself on being watchful. They were getting closer to the city perimeter now.

They weren't going in the long way around like they had to fetch her supplies, they were taking a more direct route. It gave them better cover, in fact - though where they were entering _was_ closer to the mines - and so more densely populated and with no abandoned buildings. On their previous sojourn, she'd asked Tresit about why there were any abandoned buildings at all, and he hadn't known. He'd asked Anara about it when they got back though, and Kes had heard the answer too - the mines had been moved four times over the years, when it was more profitable to do so. That part of the city where Kes had first entered that had the abandoned buildings, that was too far from where the mines were now and also not close to the space port, so people had moved to be closer to where they worked and left the buildings abandoned.

Once inside the city, they made their way cautiously through the streets and alleyways, Kes always in the lead, using her telepathic senses to warn them of when someone approached. It was a big advantage, but one Kes wasn't over-eager to rely too heavily on. She still guided them by the least conspicuous routs she could find and kept to the shadows as much as possible.

Luck was with them, and, before long, she found a house that looked comparatively well-off where no one was home.

As it turned out, Tresit knew a way to bypass the locked doors by finding the place where power fed into the house and then digging down in the dirt with his knife until he found the power cable. Once he had the cable, it was a simple matter to uncouple it and cut of power to the house. With the power out, using a little effort, the door could be forced with a knife. They'd planned to do this on their walk towards the city, Tresit having offered it as an option, and Kes concluding that it was safer than targeting a home where people were still present as she'd had to do last time. Tresit had been caught doing this before because he hadn't had a reliable way to tell if someone was inside or not, and his luck had run out when he'd picked the wrong house. With Kes's ability to detect whether anyone was there or not, she thought they might just have a relatively safe method of thieving worked out between them. Which she was very relieved about, for obvious reasons.

The power off, and the lock on the back door patently prodded open, they entered and started looking around. Kes went to the kitchen while Tresit looked around the rest of the house. The kitchen didn't yield any treasures this time though, just some plates and a cooking pan with a few morsels of food carelessly left uneaten. Kes was going to scrape them up with her fingers to eat when she heard a loud, sharp noise and went rushing from the room to find Tresit.

She found him by a storeroom door, knife in hand. "I'm sorry..." He said, looking scared and ashamed of himself.

He'd used his knife to force the lock on the storeroom door and it must not have given as easily as the back door had and made that loud noise when it broke. "Never mind, we have to go - now." She took his hand and pulled him along behind.

"But..." He was protesting, looking back. The storeroom had been rich, but Kes wasn't about to risk someone coming into the house to investigate the noise - even the seconds it would take to grab something from inside were too much of a menace for her to take a chance on.

"We can't stay. It's too much of a risk." Kes whispered.

He was silent and followed along without protest at her words. Still, Kes couldn't sense anyone dangerously close just yet, so she decided to at least take the time to cover their tracks. If she could help it, she didn't want to leave a trace that might lead the wrong someone to connect what they were doing to Tresit's previous thefts. She had no way of knowing if anyone here might know or suspect where Anara's family was and come looking for Tresit there if they wanted retribution. They hurried down the back alley behind the house, reconnecting the power and hastily burying the cable again. As they'd done that, Kes had sensed two people coming their way, her and Tresit leaving just in time to miss an old man and a boy coming up the house's front door.

"If they don't own the house, they'll probably take what we were going to steal." Tresit told her jadedly as they ducked into an alleyway a short distance away.

That should have been surprising, but it wasn't. Whether or not it was true in this case, by this point, Kes wouldn't have put much past the people who lived in the city - the men anyway. She supposed she'd become partly jaded too.

"It's okay. Come on, we'll just go find another house." Kes told him, purposefully avoiding addressing what had happened. She didn't want to embarrass him by telling him to be more careful, or even that it wasn't his fault or that he couldn't have known the door would react that way, and besides... she knew very well he would be more careful. Of course he would.

In the house she found next, Tresit's trick with the power line repeated, they found no locked storeroom - no anything, at least at first. Kes could smell the hint of water in the air though, so she knew it was there somewhere. She was going to give up and move on to the next house nevertheless, when Tresit found the secret door in the floor and opened it. It wasn't even locked - the owner apparently relying on the hidden location to protect his supplies.

Kes smiled and congratulated her companion on his success, secretly glad he'd been the one to find it - she was sure it would do his already wounded self-confidence a lot more good than anything she could have said in the way of comfort.

They loaded themselves up with as much food and water as they could safely carry without it slowing them down too much, and left.

* * *

to be continued

and I'm always happy to get comments (even really short ones)


	11. What My Lips May Never Speak (3)

Making their way back out of the city and home was a slow and tiring ordeal. More for Tresit, who was still recovering from nearly having starved to death, than for Kes. She didn't offer to carry more of the burden though, because it seemed obvious to her he wouldn't want her to ask that... even though she was still at something of a loss as to why the Kazon saw things that way. She did understand that they _did_ see it that way though, and that was enough for her to respect their ways when she could (at least when it came to Anara and her children).

When they made it out of the city and Kes could relax her guard some, she found herself thinking about Anara again, where, while they'd been in the city, she'd purposefully forced herself not to, for fear it would be too distracting for her. She'd been right, because now that she _was_ thinking about her again, she definitely was distracted by it.

A wife... The idea just seemed to sing in her head and make her feel a little light-headed with the feelings it brought up inside her. Of course, if she said yes and accepted the marriage proposal (or the Kazon equivalent of a marriage proposal, she supposed), then she'd have to give up on the idea of Tae completely... Of course, practically speaking, she'd done that not long after she'd seen Tae kissing her boyfriend like she had... she'd done it again when she'd decided to leave, and more than a few times since then. Practically speaking, she knew there was no chance and she'd accepted that.

Her heart, on the other hand, was... more stubborn. It was, perhaps, a failing for her people. Ocampa paired for life, and, once they developed feelings like that for a prospective wife or husband, it was often very hard for them to get over them if it didn't work out (it was, by far, the most common cause of crime in her society... it even inspired suicide in some cases, though that was a taboo in the extreme, so it didn't happen often). Still though, she'd felt that stubborn feeling melting ever since she'd met Anara, and in the wake of Anara's kiss and the things she had said after... it was all but faded away now. It still felt like a loss though, like a hole in her heart would be left if she let all hope (even the irrational kind) die away completely. She was going to do it though, it wasn't really even a choice. She couldn't even imagine herself saying no to Anara, and could only think of one reason why she might...

Once that question was answered though, she'd say yes and she'd do her best to forget any notion she ever had of her and Tae being together ...This was her chance at happiness - a happiness she'd never known could feel so sweet and good and wonderful... she wasn't going to miss it.

After a little while, Tresit started talking again, asking her questions about where she came from, and mostly about her family and why she'd left.

"I wanted to see what else there was to life... If there was anything more for us than the life I knew. And... well, there was another reason too." She admitted.

"What?" Tresit asked.

Kes just smiled. "It's... not something I really want to talk about right now." Kes admitted as they made their way over some rocks. The house wasn't far ahead now. It was still too painful for her to want to talk about Tae out loud... Maybe she could, once things were more certain with Anara, but not before.

"Oh..." Tresit replied. "I can understand that, I guess. There are some things that are just like that. Some things... words just don't help..."

Kes regarded him thoughtfully at that, but didn't say anything back. They walked the rest of the way in silence.

She found herself wondering, not for the first time by any means, what her parents would say... what they would think of her life now. What they would have said if she'd told them her secret? If she'd told them about her feelings for her best friend... would they have told her to leave? She still didn't have an answer, of course. She wanted to think there was a chance they might be proud of her though... She supposed, if she took Anara back home with her, she'd have her answer, wouldn't she?

At least then she'd know. Did her parents really lover her? Were her friends really her friends? Growing up, once she'd realized how she was different than most other people, it had been a lonely thing, not knowing that about anyone. At least, she knew, she had known that about Lona, towards the end. And that was something she treasured greatly, even now.

When they got back to the house, Kes took some water for herself, took off some of her outer clothing, and laid down to rest. Tresit was more hungry than tired, so he and his family set out some food to eat. Kes heard Tresit telling them a little of what had happened on their outing, notably downplaying what had happened with the storeroom on their first try, and Kes found herself falling off to sleep as she listened to them.

When she woke up from her nap, Anara was sitting on the edge of the cot looking out of the front door watching Lanam and Tresit who were out front in the shade playing a word game with each other. The look on her face was a fond one, although she knew Anara must not be able to see them very clearly, even though they were a ways away and, farsighted as she was, she'd be able to see them better than if they were up close.

Kes sat up. "I bet you miss being able to see them..." She spoke quietly. Anara's seeing problems were degenerative - they'd started some time ago, and gotten worse month by month.

"I do..." Anara said, turning to look towards her with a small smile on her lips.

Kes touched her arm, sliding her hand down to cover one of hers. She closed her eyes and tried to do something. When she opened them, Anara gasped.

"I can see..." Anara spoke in reverent tones. "A miracle... how..." She shook her head, but didn't finish her question, she just fell silent and watched her children play.

"It was an idea I had just now, I thought... maybe I could, so I tried to let you see through my eyes..." Kes told her softly.

"...It's incredible..." Anara spoke, still sounding more than a little awed. "I could never see this well, even in my youth. Everything is so clear and sharp... and bright... Thank you..."

"You're welcome..." Kes replied, feeling a little shy.

A few tears were falling from Anara's eyes, and Kes sensed them somehow through the bond she'd opened between their senses. She blinked and stopped what she was doing, moving to wipe the tears from Anara's eyes. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to make you sad." She told her regretfully.

"You didn't... Not at all..." Anara replied, sounding younger than Kes had ever heard her sound.

"Oh..." Kes replied, smiling a little to herself. "In that case, anytime you want me to do that again, just let me..." Her words ended as Anara kissed her again. Kes felt her eyes flutter closed, her senses drinking in every sensation, and her thoughts all gone away. She felt Anara's hands, one in her hair, the other on her neck, knew her own hands were moving around to encircle Anara's waist. She felt their bodies become closer to one another, and she knew it was... perfect...

The kiss ended and Kes still couldn't think. She blinked her eyes open, and felt the world in a way she hadn't quite ever done before. Everything felt just a little bit more... real to her somehow. She couldn't explain it, and she didn't want to try.

"I thought about what you said... and I do want... I want to claim you, Kes. I want... I want us to claim each other." Anara told her with soft, shy-sounding sincerity.

Kes forced her mind to work again. "I... I want that too. It's only... I have to hear you say the words... I have to know that..." She closed her eyes and smiled a little to herself, trying to steady her nerves. "I just can't seem to think rationally with you so close." She spoke. "But... if... If you..." She closed her eyes and tried to force herself to ask the question. "You know that... I'd stay anyway. I wouldn't leave you on your own, even if... even if no claiming ever happened between us. I need you to know that. I need you to... I need to know that you want this between us... that it's not just because I can provide for your children. That it's not just... because you think it's what I expect in return, because... because it's not." Kes told her softly. "I'd do it anyway." And she knew that she would, that what she'd said was completely true.

Anara was silent for a few (very long-seeming) moments. "I... um, I... that is..." Her voice trailed off and she didn't say anything else.

Kes felt the weight of that silence hit her like a blow from the dark. "Anara..." She didn't want to think... "Anara, what's wrong? Talk to me, please talk to me...?" Kes asked.

"...I don't know..." Anara finally said.

"...Don't know what?" Kes asked, now feeling confused.

"I don't know why." Anara told her, looking up to face her again, even though Kes knew she must not be able to see her as more than an indistinct blurry shape. "Why I feel like I do... for you... Maybe... maybe what you say is part of it, or maybe not. Does it really matter?" She asked softly. "Is... isn't it enough that I do want to be with you? That... that I want to be yours?" She asked further.

"But... it is what you want though?" Kes asked. "It's a free choice for you? You don't feel it's... I guess what I'm really asking is... are you in love with me Anara?" She asked softly.

Anara nodded her head and smiled softly. "Your voice is like magic to my ears, and your touch brings me alive as... I want you, I love you, Kes... Very much I do... I... it feels... right... I... do not tell Tresit or Lanam, but, while I loved my husband, I think that I did love him at least... but I feel... more... much more for you than I did for him. It feels like... what I'd imagined love would be like, when I was a little girl and knew no better, but, growing up, never found to be true... It feels like... like I'll die if I don't..." She reached out to touch Kes's hand. "Like I'll die if I can't touch you..." Anara confessed in such a soft voice Kes could barely hear it.

Kes moved forward and kissed her, not thinking, not analyzing what Anara had said, just kissing her...

They moved closer, kissed more, touched more, and Kes was pulling her down to her and she felt Anara's body on top of her and a thrill unlike anything she'd ever felt before went through her. She found herself rolling Anara around onto her back and just touching her, kissing her... maybe... maybe even claiming her, if you looked at it like a Kazon would. Anara was a little hesitant to assert herself at first, but as Kes continued to kiss and touch her, Anara became more emboldened. She responded to her touch with... hunger... She wanted more... she didn't know what to do exactly, but she knew she needed it to happen so much she was almost dizzy from it. She knew also that it really needed to involve taking off the rest of their clothes too - that seemed very, very important to her at the moment.

With some effort, she stopped herself, biting her lip and leaning her forehead on Anara's.

"What's wrong?" Anara asked softly. "Was... was I too forward?" She asked.

"What do you...? Oh, no, of course not... you can be as forward as you want. I like it that you are." Kes told her with a smile, sighing and laying down over her, so she could see out to where the children were. They'd moved further away and were playing that game with making shapes from rocks. Kes imagined that maybe Tresit had seen what was starting to happen between them and acted to give them more privacy. Still, would it be enough?

"What is it then?" Anara asked shyly.

"Is um, is it appropriate? With, I mean, with Tresit and Lanam able to hear..." She started to say.

"Why wouldn't it be?" Anara asked, confused.

"Well... if we were back home where I came from, we'd... have our own room. This... would be more private." Kes told her shyly.

"Oh..." Anara said. "I don't... there isn't one here. A room. I..." She sounded a little panicked. "Does that mean... I mean..." She sighed and ran a hand through her hair in frustration.

"I take it... it's not..." Kes started to say.

"A taboo in my culture? No... Maybe things like that would be, maybe they even were at one time, I can't say... but my people, we were slaves for so long... Never had much space to live in. Crammed together too close. If we didn't do this sort of thing where we could, we'd have had trouble carrying on our race." Anara said, smiling a little bemusedly.

"You said that before, that your people were slaves... tell me about it?" Kes asked softly.

"Oh, well... alright..." Anara agreed, though Kes could tell she wanted to keep doing what they'd been doing a lot more than she wanted to talk about this right now. Kes felt a little guilty, but she also felt like she needed a little time to let her mind catch up with her body at the moment. "Once, in this part of space, there was a... well respected, wealthy race of people, called the Trabe. They lived in luxury, had things like art and culture... they traded with other planets, colonized other worlds, and grew fatter and more lazy by the day... The reason why, of course, was because they had my people to do all their hard work and menial tasks for them. We fought against each other, our society long divided into sects with grievances against one another going back long into our history beyond the point where all we have now are legends and stories to tell the tale.

"It's why the Trabe were able to subjugate us so readily in the first place, I'd imagine. We were the first world they colonized, the first other race they met, and, I suppose, we failed to win their respect. Still, over the years, our anger grew and grew until, one day, the grudges we had against one another seemed a smaller and smaller thing in comparison to what was being done to us. We finally banded together and set aside our differences - overthrew the Trabe, and took what was theirs for our own... Most of them are dead now, some of them scattered to the stars, reduced to vagrants. Any Kazon ship that comes across them will usually... usually kill them, one and all.

"Once the Trabe were defeated, of course, the old rivalries and grudges didn't take long to come back. Even now, somewhere out there among the stars I imagine, Kazon are killing other Kazon... I imagine you know this by now, but while my people can have nobility to them - where we are capable of it, at least... in large part, we are... a hard people, with little kindness in our hearts. I think it's understandable... if a sad and pitiable way to end up for us. My father was a good man I think, and my husband too... there is good in my people, even though it may be hard to see sometimes..." Anara finished.

"All I have to do is look at you and the children you've raised to know that's true..." Kes told her.

Anara smiled. "Thank you."

"You're welcome..." Kes replied.

"...I want to be your wife." Anara told her softly, turning her over onto her back and getting on top of her, touching her face. "I want it very much. Very... very much."

"I'd... like that too..." Kes replied.

"How are a couple married among your people?" Anara asked hopefully.

"Our... parents would usually stand with us, before our friends, and... there would be words spoken, and then we'd be given a house. All that is really required though, would be the house. If two people have a house together, and sleep in the same bed, among my people at least, then they're married." Kes told her softly.

"Then... does that mean we already are?" Anara asked softly.

"You... would have to say that your home is mine as well, and I would have to accept. If we did that, then yes... you'd be my wife. In Ocampa society, at least." Kes told her with a small smile on her lips. "What about... for your people? I think... we'd have to give each other tokens?"

"Mm, yes. The man gives the woman a token... but really, that's... only an affectation... to ensure others know... In our case, others of my kind wouldn't respect any tokens we give to each other, so they would be mostly useless. Although I wouldn't object to exchanging them anyway, I suppose. It's not important to me though. The important part for to me... is to do what it is we'd want them to know about. For it to be real... you simply... claim me." She told her. "And I... I would claim you as well."

Kes closed her eyes. Her heart was beating so fast, and she wanted so much to just accept what Anara wanted from her right now. "I..." Kes swallowed. "Are you sure this is alright? For the children, I mean?" Kes asked softly. It wasn't something she really knew anything about, after all. Normally, before doing this with... if she took a husband like a normal Ocampa woman would, then Martis, her mother, would have talked with her and told her what she needed to do with him. How a woman went about this. For people like her though, she supposed that might never have happened anyway. Her mother might have rejected her for marrying another woman, then she and her wife would just have to figure things out on their own. She didn't even know what a husband and a wife did together, let alone a wife and a wife - she certainly didn't know what affect it would have on a child to see it. She imagined... maybe if she had seen what her parents did together, then at least she'd have a better idea what to do now. Still, maybe there was a good reason why it was considered such a private thing for her people?

Then again, maybe it was like the exploration of their telepathic abilities or growing their own crops? Things her people didn't do and couldn't give a good reason for not doing other than 'the Caretaker's will'. Well, Kes had never seen any books of rules that the Caretaker had given them, any indication at all that he desired anything from them but their continued existence. From what she could tell, her ancestors had likely just guessed at what they were supposed to do and it had probably kept going through the generations because no one stopped to ask if their forbearers had guessed correctly or not. And besides, if it was commonplace among Anara's people, it probably wasn't anything to worry about... then again, Anara's people hadn't exactly left her with the best impression of them on the whole, had they? ...No, the truth was, she just didn't know, didn't have nearly enough information to make an informed decision. What she did have however, was a solid belief in Anara's good character, and so she felt she would just have to trust in Anara to make the best decision for her children.

Anara sighed. "I've seen my parents couple many time. My brothers and I used to watch them and make jokes... The worse that could happen is that they might make fun of us for sounding funny. My brothers and I never dared do so to father's face, but you're much less intimidating than he was. You may have to endure some teasing... but Tresit has seen myself and his father doing this, he will recognize it for what it is and know that we aren't to be disturbed."

Kes smiled to her and gathered her courage, trusting that Anara knew what was best about this. "I... can live with that." She replied, moving up to close the distance between their lips and kiss her soon-to-be wife.

The kiss lasted long, blissful moments, and Kes was fast losing all sense again, when Anara stopped. "First... I need to say, to offer to you... my house is yours now too, if you want it?"

Kes smiled, her thoughts hazy with a yearning she didn't understand but didn't have any desire to deny. "I want it, I want you... I feel like I've been waiting all my life to be with you..." She told her with quiet, serene honesty.

Anara moved down and kissed her. Kes kissed back of course. Both their hands freely exploring their partner's body. They took their time, both acclimating to this new experience, and, at least for Kes, she was in no hurry to rush this... in part because, as much as her body and heart were telling her how right this was, her mind still had doubts in her ability to... perform correctly.

She comforted herself in knowing that Anara at least had never done this before either, not with another woman at any rate, and surely there had to be a difference. Maybe a big difference... Her hands felt under Anara's clothing to her waist and Anara... growled to her. Then her clothes were being taken off... slowly, yes, but with such sensual delight in each purposeful touch. The sensations bloomed all throughout Kes's body, making her feel so hot inside she could hardly believe she didn't burn. Her body was just buzzing with want and needs she had no names for... to where, when she was at last free of her clothing, she couldn't stop herself, she rolled Anara over onto her back and kissed her, took her clothes away with a thrumming sort of urgency burning through her and kissed and touched her skin, her neck, then lower, to her chest... her nipples, hard and waiting...

Anara continued to growl in her chest softly, the vibrations soothing somehow to Kes's ears, but those sounds also seemed to be calling to her too, telling her the woman below her wanted her, wanted her as much as she wanted Anara. What followed from there was Kes moving down lower... what capacity for reasoned thought she still had seemed to leave her from that point on, which was probably a good thing because it also meant she lost her doubts too.

* * *

to be continued

and I'm always happy to get comments (even really short ones)


	12. What My Lips May Never Speak (4)

How much later it was when her thoughts finally, grudgingly returned, Kes couldn't say. All she knew was that she felt so just... right with herself now. And so different. Maybe... maybe this is what it felt like to be an adult? She wondered that as she snuggled in just that little bit closer and kissed her new wife's neck, just under her ear. By the traditions of her people, a person wasn't considered truly and adult until they had children, and, since she and Anara had just been married, now she did, so, she supposed, she would be considered and adult. Though... she didn't really want to care about that, because she didn't really think it was a particularly fair way to judge adulthood, so she deliberately put it out of her mind and put her attention back where she most wanted it to be, with Anara.

"How do you feel?" Kes asked Anara softly. She didn't get a reply, and realized her wife had fallen off to sleep. She had a content and joyful smile on her lips though, so Kes took that as a good sign that it had gone well.

She got up a little and thought to look for where the children were. Her eyes found Lanam and Tresit on their bed, taking a nap like their mother was. That wasn't uncommon. Anara and her children were still recovering their energy from their near starvation, after all, and they took naps often. She sighed and laid back down, snuggling up to her wife again. Her wife. She really, really liked the sound of that... She even liked the thought of having children too. These two children in particular, at least. Tresit, while still baffling in some ways, had very much worked his way into her heart. He was very different than the other Kazon males she'd met, in the ways that mattered at least, and he'd defied his uncle to take care of his mother and sister, and that probably endeared him to her the most. And little Lanam, who's warm smile and trusting heart had won her over right from the start... she was always cheerful, and always made her smile, and that was such a gift. It was bizarre of course, that they were both so much older than she was. She still didn't really understand how it was possible. They even still seemed like children in most ways, though Tresit had displayed a certain emotional wisdom at times that she would expect from someone so old. They didn't have an adult's understanding of the world though, or an adult's fully developed intelligence. They still seemed to look at the world as children would... The only thing she could guess was that the Kazon must simply develop their minds at a much slower rate.

She'd noticed that, about all of them, even Anara. That they just seemed to... learn things more slowly. Where she'd learned almost everything about Kazon culture from them (she didn't understand the underlying reasons for some of if it yet, but she knew how a Kazon would be expected to act, how they spoke, what was important to them, what wasn't, what would offend, what would flatter, how to make them laugh, what to say and not to say, and so on), where as Anara had picked up much less about Ocampan ways from her than Kes would have expected for how long they'd known each other. It had been surprising to her, though she hadn't let on of course. She had to surmise that her own people just naturally learned things a lot faster than did the Kazon... she supposed they would have to, living so much shorter lives... Lanam, for example, still didn't have full command of the language or know how to calculate sums. Any Ocampa child would know how to speak before birth and know sums nearly as soon as they were introduced to the concept, higher mathematical concepts soon after. She could also tell that their memories didn't always work. They tended to forget things a lot... Kes had never even heard of the concept of forgetting before. No Ocampa ever forgot anything, except perhaps some things during their first days of awareness inside their mother. After that, Kes could remember precisely every word her mother had said from then until her birth. It had only taken her five days to learn the language completely.

The difference didn't bother her at all, now that she understood it more fully, but it did occupy her thoughts sometimes as an area of curiosity...

Anara shifted and snuggled up closer to her, and Kes was suddenly overwhelmed by her memories of their marriage... How Anara's skin felt under her hands, against her body, how Anara's fingers felt when they traced down the line of her spine, eliciting such pleasure as she had never known before... How it felt to make love to her, to taste and drink of her as she climaxed... to have Anara's head between her legs, feel her tongue do all those things to her... to touch her, to find new ways to please her... how amazing her breasts felt to touch... She found her hand caressing one, even as she thought of it, and found herself remembering vividly what it had felt like to use her mouth on it, her tongue... to go further... to make Anara cry out softly in pleasure, her name spoken so sensually, with such need, from her wife's lips...

She wanted to do it again... Many, many, many times...

She moved, as if drawn by an invisible force that she couldn't name but that she knew to be a part of her, to place her lips to her wife's chest, to kiss her skin, use her tongue, then take one of her nipples into her mouth and suckle just lightly on it. The attention caused Anara to wake and cradle her softly to her.

Her wife's hand running through her hair. Kes moved away from the tempting breasts and up to join her lips to Anara's for a kiss. "How do you feel?" Kes asked again softly once the kiss parted.

Anara smiled peacefully. "The best I have ever felt, because of you..." Anara replied. Her smile quirked a little in amusement. "I think I've discovered why our males forbid the women of my kind to do this with one another..."

"Why is that?" Kes asked curiously.

"Because if they did, then we wouldn't want to do this at all with them anymore." She replied thoughtfully.

"Wouldn't you still need to though? To further your race?" Kes asked playfully.

"I suppose..." Anara replied absently. "But we'd never want to be claimed as a man's wife, at least. There... is no comparison..." She said, her expression one of deep satisfaction.

Kes smiled to herself and snuggled up to her wife, pleased by the very flattering praise. She had to wonder about Anara's words though. If there was truth to them, and, if so, how much... Maybe it was that way for her own people too, and any woman, having experienced making love to both a man and a woman in turn, would choose the woman as a spouse? Could it be yet another of those traditions passed down from their ancestors that simply didn't make sense because they'd done it incorrectly the first times and no one had thought or had the courage to correct the error sense? Or, at least, not enough people. And was it the same for men? Or would a man chose a woman over a man more often given the equivalent choice? It would explain the difficulty, particularly among the Kazon, if that were true... Still, it seemed just as likely that many women would chose a man over a woman in that situation - that it was simply a difference from person to person. Why would there be a difference like that though? Given the same set of circumstances, why would one person chose one way and another chose a different way?

Most of her people didn't believe that a person's life continued somehow after they died. Some did. Daggin was convinced that there was some form of life after death. He believed the old tales that said that when you died, you, the essence of your self, became part of the air and could travel anywhere you wished, even out among the stars. Those stories were largely thought of as nonsense by most Ocampas, but some still believed in them, just like some still believed the stories about their ancestors having fantastic mental abilities... abilities like the ones Kes had discovered that she had within her since coming to the surface. How much more would her abilities develop if she practiced them further? Could she become like their ancestors in the stories? And if she could, did that mean that the stories about life in the air after death could be true too? Perhaps... perhaps a person could even come back to where they'd come from after journeying through the air and among the stars for a time? Perhaps they could be born again? It would certainly explain the difference from person to person. It would certainly explain why she and her friends had been so different than the average ...Then again, there could just as easily be another explanation... or maybe even no true explanation at all? _Was_ it necessary that there be an explanation? For anything?

When she thought about it after all, what was there that she could actually fully explain to herself? Why was water necessary for life? Why not some other substance? Why not sand? How did water keep you alive when nothing else could? What was it about water that intrinsically had that effect? It was just a molecule, after all, not significantly different than any other type of molecule in any way that would explain the phenomenon of life, at least not in any way that Ocampan science could determine. And even just the act of walking. Energy originating from your brain traveled through your nervous system and gave instructions to your body to operate in very precise ways - thousands of small intuitive calculations your mind made with sensory input without any difficulty - and it added up to a step and another step and walking. But how could you explain how those variables added up to that result? You could see that they did, you could see how they interacted with one another to produce the result, but not how the equation was able to work in the first place. Not what _made_ the equation work, when any of a billion other very similar equations would not work. You just had to accept that it did work, and no other equation would in it's place. There was no explanation yet found, there wasn't even enough information to form so much as a vaguely convincing theory...

It was similar to falling in love... For her the equation of man plus woman equals love did not function, where as the equation of woman plus woman equals love did - with results that were so spectacularly beyond explanation she couldn't even fathom how to ask the question accurately. Yet within that one equation that worked, there had turned out to be at least two subset equations that would work. Kes plus Tae equals love worked... or, perhaps it didn't, even though it felt so much like it would have functioned perfectly, given the chance. Kes plus Anara equals love, that worked perfectly from both sides though... But, sooner or later, it would prove impermanent - like walking, like water, and like life - wouldn't it?

Did that mean her people were right and life ended after death? Or did it simply change? Water didn't end, it simply changed shape after all. Couldn't life do the same? Could love?

"Anara..." Kes asked softly. "What do the Kazon believe happens to a person when they die?"

"...Our legends say that, when we die, The Eight reclaim us. Many believe it still, though many care not for the old ways, say they are hollow, after our people fell to the Trabe, who believed in different gods. Some even say that The Eight were too weak, and that only by abandoning our worship of them did we break free from the Trabe. Some say we are stronger without gods, and that if we become strong enough, perhaps we can become gods ourselves when we die. Others have taken to adopting the gods of other races, stronger races. The Krowtonans, for instance." Anara explained, matching Kes's soft speech.

"And... what do you believe?" Kes asked in return.

"I... have always liked the old legends. My mother believed them. She believed that... though she only told _me_ this and never my brothers or my father, that we had been enslaved by the Trabe because we had abandoned our gods, and not the reverse. The Eight... they were in balance, originally. Four female, four male. Each representing a different aspect of nature on our home-world... Light, darkness, life, fire, water, stone, flora, and fauna... We, the Kazon, made as the synthesis of all Eight, though vulnerable to and dependent upon all that which was used to fashion us. My mother told me that the Eight made us to be the expression of their unity as a family, and to be the caretakers to their creations. " She explained.

"I take it things didn't go the way they planned..." Kes replied.

"Very much they didn't..." Anara answered. "We abused our world... became as a blight upon it, so that it became stark and barren. And we, a stark and barren people to live upon such a world. We lost our balance with nature, and... between men and women. Few know that part of the legend, it is mostly passed from mother to daughter, or so my mother told me... My mother used to pray to The Eight every day, as I do still... Perhaps they listened after all? Perhaps... perhaps they guided you to me..." She spoke the last of that shyly.

Kes smiled softly. "Perhaps they did..." She wondered if these eight gods and goddesses could be real... but she had no real information to go on, so she had no way of even forming a theory, all she could do was to form fanciful conjecture and imagine that it might be true.

"Do your people have deities?" Anara asked curiously.

"Mm, oh, no, we don't... Some of us believe, have believed since the time before, that, when we die, the core, the essence of us, becomes part of the air... That we can then travel out among the stars, to find new places to live. If that's true, I think it may even be that some of us return, to live other lives among our people." Kes told her. "Most of my people don't believe such stories anymore though - most think we simply cease to exist when we die."

"That... is a depressing way to think." Anara replied.

"I always thought so too. It's never seemed like it could really be true to me though... I just... if it were true that we just fade away, I'd think, I don't know, that we'd act differently somehow. That we'd _be_ different... And, logically, it just... um, well... I don't think that string of reasoning follows through to anywhere. The only way it makes sense is... if nothing makes sense and everything is meaningless... and that just doesn't seem right... Especially with so much meaning everywhere I look... Especially... especially when I look at you." She finished softly.

Anara's eyes, even unseeing as they were, had an intense look to them. Her wife moved in and kissed her, moved herself so she was partly on top of her, and Kes's hands traveled over her skin, her eyes fluttered closed, and every part of her came alive in anticipation of what was to come. It, this, was by far the best feeling she'd ever felt... The kiss parted, and Anara spoke softly to her, telling her that she loved her, before kissing her again.

In her mind, Kes thought she really should say it back, but Anara wasn't really giving her an opportunity to say anything at all, and she was anything but regretful of that, so she just let the thought go and assumed she'd probably be saying it soon enough at some point... If she had her way, after all, they were going to do this more than once before they fell off to sleep again.

Claiming and being claimed where turning out to be, by far, her favorite pass-times...

* * *

to be continued

and I'm always happy to get comments (even really short ones)


	13. While We're Dreaming (1)

"So, does that mean... you're my mother too?" Lanam asked her softly.

Anara was sitting on what was now her and Kes's bed, and Tresit was sitting on the floor before her. Kes was sitting on Lanam and Tresit's bed, with Lanam sitting in her lap. She and Anara had been explaining to Lanam and Tresit that the two of them were married now, and what that meant. Tresit seemed content with it, not having many questions. Lanam, however, was very curious, as usual.

Kes looked to Anara for her cue on how to answer the question. "I, um..."

"Yes, that's... that's just what it means..." Anara spoke up, sounding shy but pleased in saying it.

Kes smiled to her at that, warmed by it. And a little daunted to be suddenly named a mother too, honestly, but... in a good way.

"Oh... okay..." Lanam replied. "I didn't know girls could marry other girls." She said thoughtfully. "Maybe I can too one day. It'd be better than marrying a boy." She clearly said it to tease her brother as much as for any other reason she may or may not have had.

"Should I take offense at that?" Tresit asked in a halfheartedly playfully way.

"You're my brother, it doesn't count." Lanam countered smartly.

"It's a long way away anyway, we don't have to worry about that sort of thing yet." Tresit said distractedly. Kes regarded him and saw he looked... disheartened. For a split second, Kes was worried that maybe he wasn't as alright with her and Anara's marriage as she'd thought, but then she put together that she'd seen him look like that before, a couple other times. And her mind quickly made the connection that it was always when the subject of the future came up. Planning for the future. Why would he react like that to planning for the future? Kes resolved to find out soon.

"Why not?" Lanam asked. "And I wasn't worrying, it's a happy thing. Like mother and, um, other mother? Like they were doing before." She said. "Whatever they did, it made them happy. I thought it sounded pretty." She was blind, so of course she hadn't seen, just heard.

"You thought so?" Kes asked curiously.

"Uh-huh." Lanam replied. "What was it you were doing anyway?" She asked. She'd asked that once before too (it had been the first question she'd asked, in fact), but Kes had managed to dodge answering it that time. She should have known she wasn't going to escape so easily. She really wished they'd had their own room. Last night she she'd thought Anara was right about it not mattering that much, but now she wasn't sure about it at all. Now she understood perfectly why parents were intimate with each other in another room (because they were cowardly about facing their children in the morning - and as far as reasons for cowardice, Kes now counted this one as a very justified reason).

"They had sex." Tresit said, sounding as if he found the whole thing about as interesting as rocks in the desert. "Mother and father used to do it too, I saw them. It's different for a woman and a woman though - with mother and father, it was more like wrestling or something, except father was always on top and always seemed to win. I don't understand it, really. Kes and mother looked kind of like that too... but different, slower or something...? And they took turns winning."

"...Well, I, um, I wouldn't call it winning, really..." Kes replied, now formally the most embarrassed she'd ever been in her entire life. She pushed through it though. "It's called making love..." Kes spoke softly, gathering her courage. As long as Tresit and Lanam were going to talk about this, she thought she owed it to them to make sure they knew what was true and what wasn't. And of course she couldn't let them think that making love was like wrestling...

"So Tresit was wrong? It's not sex? It's making love?" Lanam asked, confused.

"Well, no, it's still that too... It's not dissimilar to the difference between Tresit being a boy and him being your brother. He's a boy both ways, but him being your brother too means you love each other, because you're family." Kes explained patiently.

"But that doesn't make sense. Tresit and I don't have sex." Lanam pointed out. "And what's 'not dissimilar' mean?"

"When two things are alike, but not all the way." Tresit replied helpfully.

"Oh..." Lanam replied. "What about my question though?" She asked Kes.

Kes groaned a little inside her head, looking to Anara who didn't seem bothered or concerned by any of this, but also didn't seem to be in any hurry to help her either (it was Anara being deferential again - Kes mostly hadn't seen any particular problem in her doing that before because she had no intentions of taking advantage of her for it so it didn't seem like it would be an issue, but now she could see how it could _just possibly_ be a problem for her sometimes). Tresit looked bored and impatient, and was also unlikely to be any further help (she just hoped he was done making it _any worse_). "Well... love is like that too. There are different ways you can love someone, Lanam. You love Anara in a different way than you love Tresit, because Anara is your mother and Tresit your brother. When you grow up and have a wife or a husband, you'll love them in a third way. A way like... they're the closest person in the world too you, your best friend, and more than that... and what you'll want, more than anything, is to... It's hard to explain it, really..." She admitted softly. "It's just a feeling you get. A wonderful feeling. You can't mistake it, or deny it... and I hope you'd never have a reason to want to. And Tresit's right - you aren't an adult yet... When you grow up into an adult, your body changes, and so does the way you think and look at the world... it'll make more sense then."

"But... what if I don't want to change how I think?" Lanam asked.

Anara smiled softly. "You may as well wish for tomorrow to never come, and today to last forever." Kes was absurdly grateful that Anara had chosen to join the conversation again.

"You say that a lot." Lanam accused her mother.

"It's true, none the less." Anara replied serenely.

"Well... maybe it's just one of those things I won't understand until I'm older then." Lanam replied.

Anara smiled again. "That may be so."

Lanam yawned. "I'm thirsty."

Kes laughed. Apparently, and mercifully, that was the end of the question and answer session. She exhaled in relief and caught a slightly teasing look in Anara's eyes and had to quirk a small smile to her. Why did that look in her wife's eyes make her want to kiss her again? -Maybe it's one of those things I won't _ever_ understand, not in a way I can explain at least- She thought to herself ruefully. Still though, she certainly wouldn't have it any other way...

Well, except for the part about her and Anara not having their own room - that, she definitely wanted to have change.

* * *

to be continued

and I'm always happy to get comments (even really short ones)


	14. While We're Dreaming (2)

After that morning's arduous discussion, Kes hadn't felt up to having another heavy conversation again so soon, and so put off discussing the possibility of taking... well, they actually here _her_ family now, weren't they? (and what an wonderful and amazing feeling that was)... of taking her family back with her under the surface of Ocampa, back to the home she'd left.

They had a meal and Kes spent the day with Anara entertaining Lanam mostly, who, as usual, had no trouble making her smile constantly with the innocent joy she brought to even the most mundane of activates. Tresit, on the other hand, had requested to be left alone, first to practice with his knife, and later, when it got too hot, to sit by himself and do this kind of mediation his father had done - when she'd asked him about it, he'd confessed to her that he didn't know if he was doing it right, but he wanted to keep trying anyway, because his father had told him it made a warrior strong and focused his mind. Kes thought that, maybe at some point, she'd ask him to teach her the mediation too... more to be closer to him than any other reason (though it did spark her curiosity somewhat too). Kes was still kind of worried about him, honestly, and felt like he needed someone to talk to about something (she still didn't know what).

Later that day, in the afternoon, Tresit had taken his sister under the shade at the front of their house to tell her stories, while Kes and Anara had taken Kes's bed roll out to the shade of some nearby rocks to sit together. Tresit and Lanam were clearly visible to them, and they could hear the children's voices well enough to catch every other word or so if they tried.

She and Anara had been talking a little at first, but it had mostly just evolved into sharing a string of kissing, which Kes didn't mind at all. It was definitely relaxing her all over. It had gotten to the point where she'd lain Anara down and was partly on top of her as they continued to kiss and explore one another's bodies again. She didn't feel like she was going to lose herself completely just yet, but she felt that feeling tempting her more and more. That was when she realized she'd probably put off having this conversation long enough. So, with a sigh, she stopped kissing her new wife and lay down beside her, snuggling up with her.

"What is it, my wife?" Anara asked her softly. "What made you halt so?"

"There's just... something I've been meaning to talk with you about, that's all. Something important." Kes explained softly, kissing Anara's skin lightly.

"What... what is it?" Anara asked, her nearly sightless eyes fluttering closed.

"What would you think of... coming back with me? To where I came from, I mean... To the Ocampan city?" Kes asked. "It... would be much safer for us... For... for our family."

There was a cry then from Lanam and she and Anara both sat up in fright right away. "What happened? Kes, is she-?'

"It's alright." Kes interrupted, exhaling in relief as the fear that had welled up within her subsided. "She only hurt a toe. Tresit is seeing to her. Should... should we go over too?" She asked.

Anara sighed, clearly forcing her nerves down with deliberate intention. "No... no... It happens sometimes." Anara replied softly, laying her head on Kes's shoulder and leaning against her for comfort. Kes wrapped an arm around her waist and held her hand. "Normally, she is careful, but, at times, she gets over-excited and forgets herself... Lanam doesn't like it when we make too much of a fuss over her about these things though. It makes her feel badly, to need help so much... Tresit would call to us if we were needed. He takes no chances with his sister's well being... He never has. He's so much like my brother Ralka in that way... Always her protector..."

"I've noticed that." Kes replied softly. "He does you proud. They both do..."

"...Thank you..." Anara replied. "It's... it's nice, more than nice, to hear someone praise them. Before you came, I'd..." She closed her eyes and a few tears fell. Kes turned and gently wiped them away. "Of course..." Anara spoke again. "Of course I'll go with you, of course we will... I would follow you anywhere. I am yours, Kes, with all my heart..." Anara told her devotedly, moving to kiss her ardently.

Kes returned the kiss just as ardently, melting into her, that tempting feeling starting to feel like it was too big for her to contain. Anara's words were like music in her blood, under her skin, in her head. "With all my heart, I'm yours too..." Kes echoed the words, feeling just as devoted. Anara was her wife, her family, the one she loved and would always love. She felt that and knew it had settled into her bones and heart to stay. The way she felt, she knew now, understood it in a way she couldn't have before marrying Anara, just why it was there were so very few instances of divorce among her people.

In the background, she heard Lanam laughing at something her brother said, and what little tension she still had over Lanam's outcry before eased away, and she felt that feeling begin to overcome her again. "I want..." Kes broke off kissing her wife breathlessly. "I..."

"Whatever it is, my wife, my answer will always be yes..." Anara told her, pulling her back down to kiss with her again.

-I want to be closer...- Kes told her, mind to mind. -I want to try to share... share thoughts, what we feel... do you want me to try?- Kes asked, even as she was stubbornly trying to remain cognizant enough to do this in the face of where Anara's hands were going.

-Yes, of course yes, yes to everything... yours... always yours...- Kes heard Anara's thoughts, felt how much trust Anara had for her and was amazed by it. She opened the doors between them, a little at first, and felt Anara's wonder at what she was feeling, felt her sense of awe and love and devotion that she had for her. It worried her a little at first, but as she opened things up between them more fully, her worries fell away... Anara's feelings for her were completely genuine. She loved her, the same way Kes loved Anara. Just the same way. It wasn't because Kes had saved her, or anything else, it was just... because... that great, wonderful, nameless because...

Kes felt herself rolled over onto her back, the last of her clothes being urgently removed by her wife. A thrill of desire went through them both. Kes could feel what Anara felt, and she could feel that Anara felt what she felt too, heard her thoughts... Kes couldn't help herself, she went deeper, and then it was like she felt Anara's touch as though she were in Anara's body, and Anara in her skin too, in her body, sharing every touch...

All coherent thought was gone for her now, just feeling and want and love. When they both cried out in pleasure at their first release, Kes could hardly tell where her own pleasure began and where Anara's ended. The feeling was... simply incredible...

* * *

to be continued

and I'm always happy to get comments (even really short ones)


	15. While We're Dreaming (3)

How long it was later when Kes was finally able to form words in her head again, it was impossible for her to know. She'd been breathing hard, and she was only now regaining her breath. She had her head buried in the crook of Anara's shoulder, the scent of her hair and her skin was strong and magnetic feeling, the memories of their lovemaking feeling like they were wrapping her up inside them... She'd never appreciated her eidetic memory nearly as much as she was appreciating it since the first time she and Anara had made love, and now she appreciated it all the more... Every touch, every exquisite sensation, it was all still hers, all but that one element that could never be captured by memory - that one, that best thing that she could only feel when she and her wife touched... She kissed that skin again and again and sighed and smiled and snuggled up closer. She still felt Anara, their minds were still bridged, and she could tell Anara was still lost in a haze of desire and... awe...

She gently brushed her thoughts over her wife's mind and cooed to her, comforting her and soothing her. She could feel Anara blink her eyes and start to come back to herself. -Anara?- Kes asked softly.

-There are no words...- She heard Anara's thoughts answer her, turning to her and capturing her lips in soft, unhurried kisses.

Kes felt warmth and belonging wash over both of them, and just kissed her back. Kes found herself on her back again, with Anara over her, and it felt so good... she wanted to keep going, make love again... never stop... but she could tell how tired Anara was, and she knew she was tired herself, and they both needed water and food and to check on Lanam and Tresit.

Anara sighed. -How is it possible you can be so perfect?-

Kes smiled, warmed and flattered beyond words. -Likewise...- She simply replied, gazing up into Anara's all but sightless eyes with wonder.

She felt Anara's skin heat at the praise and felt her amazement. -How can you say that and mean it so completely?- She asked, honestly not understanding.

"...Your eyes, you mean?" Kes asked aloud. She could sense that, despite that she would not say so aloud, some part of her wife had taken it to heart when her people had cast her out as 'defective'. Her husband, before he'd died, when her loss of sight was starting to really asset itself, when Lanam had been born... He hadn't cast his daughter out to die as many Kazon males would, hadn't divorced her as unfit, as would have been his right - as, again, many others would have in his place, but... his desire for her had waned, and, in the quality of his voice, she had been able to tell... he'd thought less of her. Been... at least partly, ashamed of his daughter. And that had hurt, but Anara had never let that hurt show, because he had done more than many others would have in his place. He had kept her, kept Lanam, though many around him had called him a fool to do so. How could she be ungrateful for that? So she'd buried her hurt, because she knew that it was useless to do otherwise. Anara... never would have dreamed before that she would find a lover who saw her as perfect. She hadn't really let herself believe that even Kes could look at her like that, at least, not until they'd shared their thoughts and feelings this way, not until Anara had seen and felt what was in Kes's heart and mind for herself...

-Defective... unworthy... in your eyes, I'm not those things at all though, am I?- Anara asked.

-No.- Kes replied. -Very... very much the opposite, in fact.- She moved to kiss her and caress her face.

And Kes could tell that Anara knew what she meant, through their link, even though she would have had trouble explaining it in words. -I like this... being so close to you...- Anara spoke. -Is it... is it possible to stay always this way? Always connected?-

Kes thought about it. -I don't know...- She finally told her. -It seems to be working well, to _have _worked well, undoubtedly so, but, I think we should pull back for now, to make sure there are no unintended negative effects...- Kes replied, worried that maybe she'd gone too far, too fast, and doubting her own, still largely untested, abilities... "...and to make sure it's really what we both want..." She was honest about her other reason too. This feeling was... very, very tempting, and she felt like she needed perspective right now to process it...

-I...- "Of course, whatever you need." Anara spoke aloud, and there was such deep fondness in her voice that Kes sucked in her breath a little in surprise and delight. She could likewise feel that the trust and belief that Anara had had for her before had been increased even more, and had grounded itself down very deeply indeed. -Yours, always yours...- Kes heard the thought and smiled, feeling very secure in her marriage, her love for Anara returned without reservation, and that, it turned out, was the very best sort of feeling to have, she was finding.

Kes moved in and kissed her again. "We should go check on the children." Kes spoke softly, withdrawing from her wife's mind fully.

Anara gasped and passed out.

Sharp, wordless panic welled up inside of Kes, and she reached out with her mind and her hands. She saw immediately what was wrong, and was relieved beyond words to know that it wasn't serious. She soothed Anara's mind, healed the strain and fatigue she found within it as much as she was able, gave her what strength she could, and, in seconds, Anara was blinking her eyes open again.

-What happened?- Anara asked in her mind.

"I went too fast... and, um, you were too tired..." Kes told her softly, regret and apology strong in her words. "I'm so sorry, Anara..."

"It's all right, it didn't hurt... I just... fell asleep." Anara told her, sounding confused.

"I'm going more slowly this time, moving our minds apart... There was no damage, I think you were just tired... and surprised..." Kes told her solicitously. "Or your mind was. I think we both need to practice doing this, become more accustomed to it. To each others thoughts, before we seriously consider making our connection permanent... I mean, if it's even possible for it to be permanent." Kes didn't know if it was at all, actually. This was all almost as new to her as it was to Anara, really. It was exciting, but... at the same time, she'd been so scared when Anara had passed out, and she never wanted that to happen again. Never again.

"Of course, whatever is needed." Anara replied without worry, snuggling up to her and kissing her cheek softly, her devotion unwavering.

Kes smiled, feeling a little shy somehow, and moved to kiss her wife once more. She had that feeling again, the one that tempted her to kiss and touch and make love and lose herself in those feelings they shared, and, if anything, it was stronger now, but... also more familiar, more a friend whom she was beginning to know well. As things were now, the nagging sense of growing physical exhaustion was too at odds with her desire though, so she was able to easily place that very pleasant feeling into the back of her mind for now, knowing that it would be there for her again whenever the opportunity next presented itself for them to indulge in it.

Kes looked over and saw that Lanam was gently tossing little pebbles at Tresit and asking him silly questions. Tresit was sitting in place, not moving, and calmly answering the questions factually. With care, she connected her sight to Anara's and let her wife see what she saw. Anara gasped a little in wonder at what she still saw as something of a miracle. "What do you think they're up to over there?" Kes asked curiously of the scene.

Anara smiled fondly. "...It's something new he's been doing recently... but I think he is having Lanam try to distract his focus while he meditates. My guess is that he's trying to improve his ability to concentrate and focus. It's similar to an exercise adult Kazon males do in their training, if more innocent."

"What's the original version?" Kes asked curiously.

"The ones sitting like Tresit is would have dirt and sand thrown at them, and they'd be yelled at and mocked, even be pissed on by the other men, or have refuse thrown at them." Anara told her with clear distaste in her voice.

"Does it start a lot of fights?" Kes asked - thinking of the Kazon males she'd met in the city, she could hardly imagine it wouldn't.

Anara shook her head. "It's rare. To strike back would be to show yourself as weak, and invite more abuse. More shame. I am... grateful, that Tresit does not have to go through such things. It is one of the few things I was grateful for in all of this, before you came to us." She finished softly.

Kes felt it through the low level link they had again from the shared sight she was giving her wife, that Anara had seen the effects of some of the things her brother, Ralka, had had to endure in his training as a boy, and she had felt impotent fury that she could do nothing to spare him those things when all he ever seemed to do was to protect her. That she could do nothing to protect him in return had always nagged at her; though, of course, as she'd grown older, she'd come to accept it more that it was simply the way her people were... Still, the feeling had never left her memory.

Kes wanted to say something to Anara about what she sensed, but she also sensed that Anara would not want to talk about it right now. So she sighed instead. "We should get dressed and go have a meal with them." She offered.

"Alright..." Anara smiled and closed her eyes, letting Kes know silently that she could disconnect her vision from hers now (it was nice to do while stationary, but could quickly become impractically disorienting if Anara were in motion). Kes did so, and they helped each other get dressed.

Once that was done, Kes stood and held out her hand to her wife. Anara took the offered hand and stood, leaning close to her as they walked across the hot sand back to the shade of their home... or, what was their home for now. "When should we tell the children about our plans?" Kes asked softly.

"...Before sleep would be a good time, I think." Anara replied.

"You seem nervous somehow?" Kes asked softly.

"I... It's only, do you think your people will accept me? Accept Tresit and Lanam?" Anara asked.

Kes sighed. "No, most of them won't. They won't accept me, either. Socially, we'll mostly be outcasts. But they will leave us alone, and we will have a house. We'll be safe and always have enough to eat and drink. We won't have to steal to survive, and Tresit won't have to risk his life with me while we do it."

"That sounds wonderful..." Anara replied dreamily.

Kes smiled to herself and squeezed Anara's hand a little. "I... guess it's true though, that I don't really _know_ how they'll react... There's... never been an outsider come to live with us before... except for the sick that the Caretaker has sent to us lately, but you and Lanam and Tresit would not have been sent by the Caretaker. Still, I don't believe they would turn us back. It's... just not our way."

"I believe that... Any race that produced someone like you must have many very appealing qualities." Anara told her softly.

They went back, met their children, and had a meal together. What followed was a lazy evening. This was the time of day that the heat's effects tended to really take their toll and make you tired. Once the air started to cool, there would be a time of renewed energy and then sleep.

It was during that time that Anara and Kes decided to tell their children about the plans they'd made.

* * *

to be continued

and I'm always happy to get comments (even really short ones)


	16. While We're Dreaming (4)

"What's it like in the Ocampa city?" Lanam was asking curiously. "Are there kids my age there?"

Kes sighed. _That_ was a difficult question, because, of course, Lanam would be older than about a third of the adults, and Tresit older then _two-thirds_ of them. But that wasn't a topic she was going to tackle until she had to. "There will be children there, yes... but... only a few of them may be allowed to play with you. It's..."

"But why?" Lanam asked plaintively. "Is it... because I can't see?" She asked softly.

"Lanam, no..." Tresit tried to stop her.

"No, you think I don't know, but I do..." Lanam spoke solemnly, her voice sounding small. Kes had never heard this usually very cheerful girl sound like this. "I know it's my fault. That uncle sent us away because of me..."

Fury washed over Tresit's face and he stood. "No! That's not true! He sent us away because he's a coward! ...He's the disgrace, not you." He said, going over to his sister and sitting behind her and hugging her. "You... you can't believe that it is your fault, Lanam..."

"...okay..." Lanam replied shyly.

"Tresit is right, you are very precious, to all of us..." Anara spoke softly, moving to be closer to her children. "It was not your fault, and... in any case, it... no longer matters who's fault it was. We will never see your uncle Tulk again. And we will have a home, be safe, and not have to worry about food or water ever again."

Lanam seemed to relax as her mother stroked her hair.

"And besides, that you or Anara can't see isn't the reason." Kes told her softly. "My people wouldn't think it was any more important than I do, and I don't think it makes any difference at all."

"Then what is the reason?" Tresit asked in a quiet, serious voice.

Kes looked to Anara with regret. "Because of me. Because I married a woman, and not a man." Kes told them softly. "People like me, they don't stop us from following our hearts, they simply... don't like to talk to us. Because they think we're... defective, or because they don't think it's the Caretaker's will."

Tresit growled a little in the back of his throat. "Defective. I hate that word - more than any other word, I hate _that_ word."

"I don't like it much either." Kes replied.

"Is that why you left then?" Lanam asked, curious. "Because they were being mean?"

That caught Anara and Tresit's attention both. "No... No, that's not why." Kes answered.

"Then why?" Lanam asked, kindness and innocence in her voice.

Kes smiled a little. "Because... I was in love with someone. And she didn't love me back, she loved someone else." She looked over to Anara to see her reaction. She hadn't told her wife about Tae yet. Or, at least, not that she'd had feelings like that for her, not explicitly anyway (though she had to think Anara might at least have suspected something of the kind). She had meant too, it was only, she'd gotten... detracted, by Anara's lips. And she'd honestly not thought about it again until now. She would have liked to talk about this with Anara in private (or, at least, as close to privacy as they could have), but she couldn't bring herself to not give Lanam an honest reply right now. "Her name is Tae, she... was my best friend. I... saw her kissing the boy she liked, and I couldn't... I just couldn't stand to stay, so I left."

Anara moved to hold her hand. "Then she was a fool, and I'm... very grateful to her for it."

Lanam giggled. "I like it when they talk like that. It's pretty." She said.

Tresit sighed. "I suppose it is." He agreed reluctantly. "I would like to lay down for a while to think on this..." He stood up and went over to his and Lanam's cot.

"You... haven't decided you want to go?" Anara asked, sounding unsure of herself. Kes moved to pick Lanam up in her arms and carry her over to her and Anara's bed to sit down across from where Tresit was going. Anara came along and wordlessly snuggled up to her, resting her head on Kes's shoulder for comfort.

"I will go." Tresit said, laying down, looking thoughtful. "Wherever my family goes, I will go. I simply..." He closed his eyes. "I have things I must consider." He said.

Kes got the feeling that he was trying to act like he thought a Kazon male should act again, and wished he didn't have to feel that kind of weight on his shoulders. She wondered again what he was thinking about and wished she could simply look into his mind to find out... Technically, she could of course, but she never wanted to do anything like that without permission, and she didn't want to ask Tresit for his.

"Tell me a story about where we're going? Please mother?" Lanam asked Kes, looking up to her from between her and Anara.

Kes felt her skin heat a little at being called mother. She liked it. "All right. Of course."

Kes told them the story of how she, Lona, and Tae started their gardens. How it had been Lona's idea, and she'd started it on her own, but then she'd offered some berries she'd grown to her and Tae - they were the best tasting thing Kes had ever eaten, and Kes had asked how she'd gotten them, and it had gone from there. Lona's brother, Daggin, had found out about it a couple days later when Lona offered him some of the barriers too (Lona wasn't the kind of person who very often said things about herself without being specifically asked or without others finding out another way), he and his best friend Farran had joined in as a result. Then later Mers, the boy Lona liked, had joined their group too. Since then, a few others had joined as well, but Kes's favorite memories of it were probably when they were just starting out - just her Lona, and Tae - so that's the story she told.

...It wasn't that she hadn't liked Daggin, Farran, and Mers, she had, she did, it was only... she'd never liked that she had to guard herself, pretend, around them more, or that, Daggin especially, expected her to be someone she wasn't. Tae and Lona had had some of those kinds of expectations too, but it had still been much easier for her to pretend she was normal when it had just been them.

Later that night, once Lanam had gotten tired and Anara had put her to bed with Tresit, Kes began to take her clothes off as she watched her wife come back to their bed. "Let me do that..." Anara asked, sitting down with her in bed.

"Alright..." Kes agreed easily with a smile, letting Anara take her clothes off for her, her eyes on her wife in rapt fascination as she did.

Once Anara was finished, she let Kes do the same for her and then Anara pushed her down onto her back and was on top of her, her lips claiming hers, her hands were one in her hair and the other caressing one of her breasts. It was unusual for Anara to be quite this forward so soon, but Kes found herself liking it very much. She wrapped her arms around Anara, one hand on her back, the other in playing in her wife's long hair. Anara seemed very intent on her and Kes brushed her mind over her wife's... Something was bothering her, but she sensed Anara didn't want to talk or share thoughts quite yet, so Kes contented herself with simply letting Anara make love to her and resigned herself to thoroughly enjoying the feelings Anara was bringing out in her.

She didn't go very deeply at all with their mental connection, just a vague sharing of feeling and sensation. She felt how much Anara desired and wanted and loved her... and when Anara's fingers traveled down between her thighs and took possession of her, Kes felt her thoughts all fall away again and welcomed it eagerly. Kissing, touching, knowing one another again...

* * *

to be continued

and I'm always happy to get comments (even really short ones)


	17. While We're Dreaming (5)

Some unknown time later, Kes found herself laying on top again, her breath coming hard as she and her wife traded lazy kisses and soft caresses. Her mind was starting to think in words again, and she realized then that she knew what it was that was bothering Anara. "You were thinking about Tae, weren't you? That's why..." Kes started to say softly as she cuddled up to her wife and lay her head down on her shoulder.

Anara sighed and ran her hand through Kes's hair a moment before replying. "Tell me about her?" She asked back just as softly, an undercurrent of uncertainty in her voice.

"...Her family lived in the house next to mine, growing up. I suppose they still do. Though... Tae might not anymore, not if she's married to... not if she's married. Then... she'd have her own house." Kes started to explain. She had no intention of downplaying the truth or leaving anything out. Anara deserved to know - to know everything about her. After all... they belonged to each other now. She belonged to Anara, and, to her, that meant every part of her did, even... even this. "Our parents were friends too. We're almost the same age, she's just two days older. I heard our parents talking about her before I was even born, and I met her only one hour and ten minutes after my birth. Besides my parents, she's the first person I ever talked with. It was always so just... completely easy to talk with her. Like with you. You're the only other person I've ever had that with. Of course I fell in love with her... I didn't realize that's what it was until I was much older, my five-month birthday was when it happened in fact... I remember thinking... why didn't I know that before? Why didn't I realize it in my first month of life...?"

"You remember that far back into your childhood? You... were able to talk at such a young age?" Anara asked, clearly amazed, and also clearly trying to stop Kes from going on about her feelings for another woman.

Kes was happy for the distraction though, and only too happy to answer if it meant delaying the rest of this conversation a little while longer. "Yes. All Ocampa can. And our memories... we don't, we can't forget anything. I've noticed it's different with your people of course." Kes told her.

"Most races can't do what you can. I've never heard of one that could, in fact." Anara spoke.

"How many races do you know of?" Kes asked curiously.

"I..." Anara was silent. "Around twenty-five, I think. I'm not sure." She smiled to herself. "But I suppose I would be sure if I were an Ocampa, wouldn't I?"

"Mm, yes, I suppose..." Kes agreed absently, her thoughts back on what she would say next about Tae.

"Does it... bother you? That I can't... that can't do the same things - think, remember - the way one of your own race can? Do I seem... unintelligent to you?" Anara asked.

"What?" Kes was startled by the question. "That's... that doesn't..." She sighed. "Why would you ask that? I love you, Anara... I wasn't lying when I said... that to me, you're perfect. I find you very intelligent, and, like I said, I love talking with you... I love it just as much as I love... being with you... I do agree with Tresit though. I hate the word defective. I don't even think it's a real concept. I think it's just another way for people who don't like what's different or new to try to shape the world around them into something... comforting. Something safe and familiar and known. It's completely irrational... and more than that, it's cruel. You've seen who I am, you've seen, felt, how I feel about you... You must know, I just... there's no part of me that looks at you and sees those things. You're perfect Anara, in my eyes you are... and I think, in reality you are too."

Anara moved over and rolled Kes onto her back and kissed her soundly. So much so that Kes was a little dazed when Anara caressed her hair and looked down at her unseeingly with a shy smile on her lips. "You are a miracle..." Anara told her, laying down beside her and cuddling up to her devotedly.

"...So are you..." Kes told her, her hands one playing through her hair and one tracing down her arm. "You don't have to worry about me with her. With Tae, I mean... I wouldn't have married you if there was any doubt inside of me about that."

"I know that... It's only... I want to know about her... nothing more. I don't doubt you. I don't think I could ever doubt you..." She told her, the faith she had in her very evident in her voice. What was unsaid though, Kes thought, was that it wasn't so easy for her to have faith in herself... to not doubt _herself_... That's what this was partly about, Kes was coming to realize. But, if Anara needed more assurances of her own worth as a person, Kes was very willing to continue to provide them at every given opportunity.

Kes moved up to kiss her wife's lips. Anara responded and kissed her back, that lasting for minutes on end until Kes could feel her wife start to relax more. When that happened, Anara broke off the kiss and looked down at her sightlessly. "I want to be close to you again, to share our hearts again... as we did before..." Anara told her softly. "Please, Kes? Will you?" She asked hopefully.

-Yes... of course we can do that...- Kes replied telepathically, smiling to herself. Perhaps this was the best way after all? She considered.

She looked up into Anara's eyes, nearly sightless as they were, and let her mind do what it had before... what she'd been so tempted to let it do again ever since the last time. It was so easy and felt so good, to be entwined with her wife this way, to share like this...

-Would you... would you like me to show you?- Kes asked. -I can show her to you... if you want?-

-...Yes, I want to know- Anara replied.

In bed, they snuggled up together and closed their eyes and Kes showed Anara her memories of Tae, or highlights of them at least, imprints... The day of her birth when they first met. When they took their first steps together. A day when they talked about the future for the first time when they'd promised to always be friends. The day when they first met Lona and Daggin. The day they went swimming for the first time. The day Kes realized she was in love. The day she realized what it meant that she was in love with someone of the same gender. A day when Tae slept over at her house and they spent all night talking and never went to sleep (they were very tired the next day). The first time she tried in earnest to really show Tae how she felt about her and how Tae didn't seem to notice at all. The day Tae told her that Daggin liked her (Kes had honestly not noticed before that). The day Tae told her about the boy _she_ liked. The day she'd confessed her feelings for Tae to Lona. The day Kes spent with Tae trying again to see if there was any chance that she would or could feel the same way about her and again had no success. The day she'd sat looking out over the water just thinking and Tae had come along and sat down with her and they'd talked and Tae had told her that Daggin was beginning to think that she wasn't interested in him at all and asked her if she had another boy she liked and how Kes had made an excuse and left and found someplace where she could be alone to cry and scream where no one could hear... And, finally, the day she'd seen Tae kissing... him... and how she'd felt something inside of her break at that... how she couldn't stand to stay...

-...I want to hate her for how much she hurt you...- Anara finally said.

-It's not her fault. It's no one's... and it worked out in the end, didn't it?- Kes told her, moving to kiss her with fondness, love, and a return of the devotion she knew Anara felt for her.

-It did.- Anara replied as they continued to kiss.

Kes felt so close to Anara right now. She'd just shared her most private hurts with her and Anara had only accepted them and her and soothed her troubles as she had. It was an amazing gift... And more than that, she could feel Anara's passion and love for her and it was the most wonderful, life-affirming, amazing feeling she'd ever felt. That feeling of yearning inside of her welled up with almost startling intensity and it thrilled her as she turned her lover over onto her back and began to make love to her again. The world outside of the bed, the worlds of the past and the future all fell away in that familiar way until everything she felt was Anara... the feel of her skin, the taste of her lips, the perfect swell of her breasts, the way her wife's fingers felt like poetry on her skin, they way Anara seemed to know just the right ways to touch her to make her feel so much bliss...

* * *

to be continued

and I'm always happy to get comments (even really short ones)


	18. While We're Dreaming (6)

Later in the night, after they'd made love again several times, they'd laid there just talking in their minds for how long Kes didn't know. At one point, she got up to get them some water, and when she came back, Anara seemed troubled by something. -What is it?- She asked softly as she sat down and folded her knees under her as she offered her wife the water.

They drank and Kes put the canteen down by the side of their cot, then turned around and cradled her wife in her arms and caressed her soothingly, kissing her just softly. -You can tell me... whatever it is, you can...- Kes offered softly.

-...There is something... you have the right to know...- Anara spoke. "It's not easy for me..." She spoke aloud.

"Would it... be easier if we spoke aloud?" Kes asked softly.

"...Maybe..." Anara spoke softly.

"Whatever you need. We don't even have to talk about it if you want, now or ever." Kes replied solicitously.

Anara sighed and snuggled up to her more. "Just hold me like this... If you do, I'll be brave enough." Anara told her.

Kes was silent and did as she was asked, and waited.

"I have another child... younger than Lanam... his name is Vastu..." Anara spoke softly.

Kes was surprised, of course, but didn't speak or question.

"I gave birth to him only weeks before my husband was slain..." Anara told her. "Tulk, my brother, has him now..." There was a silence between them then. "Please, say something...?" She asked.

"...Why haven't you told me before?" Kes asked softly.

"Because... I am ashamed and... afraid for him. And because I didn't, do not, want Lanam to know that she has another brother... it would only hurt her." Anara confessed.

"But Tresit, he knows?" Kes asked. It made sense that he would, but she had to ask anyway.

"Of course. Lanam was too young, she doesn't remember him, but Tresit was old enough." Anara told her. "I... didn't feel I had a choice though. I had no means of caring for him, many times I wished Tresit would have stayed too... if only so that he might live." And it was true, Kes considered. If Anara had had another child to feed, she and her family almost surely would have been dead from starvation by the time Kes happened by. She likely never would have even noticed they were there... The thought made her feel cold and sad inside. "It was... only good fortune... amazing, wonderful good fortune that brought you to me, to us, in time..."

"...There's something else, isn't there?" Kes asked softly. They were talking aloud, but their minds were still connected. She could still sense very easily that Anara was holding something else back. It would be easy for her to look to find out what that was with her mind, but she, of course, would never let herself do that. What she had, the trust she had with her wife, had fast become the most precious thing to her, and she held it sacred in her heart.

"Yes... Tulk... I fear for what kind of man he will raise my son to be. I wonder... I almost think that maybe death would have been better for him than that... but I could never... he's my son..." Tears were falling from Anara's eyes now.

Kes held her and spoke soft comforts to her in her mind. "...Anara, why though? What... what aren't you saying?" She asked after a time.

"...I believe... I believe Tulk... that he was responsible... that he killed Ralka, and my husband..." Anara spoke what she had never dared voice before aloud for the first time.

It was then Kes sensed it - Tresit was awake, he'd heard every word... Kes only sensed it because at Anara's confession, a wave of intense anger and hatred welled up inside the small boy, so strong that Kes couldn't help but feel it. "W... But why though?" Kes asked softly, almost meekly. "His own brothers? ...His family? Surely..."

"He is capable of it." Anara replied. "Believe me, he is..." Kes saw a flash of bitter memory across her wife's thoughts of a time when she was much younger and Tulk had... Kes shivered a little at seeing it. "And he had profited by it. He inherited, and would probably have gained my husband's position as well, had he not made the mistake of offending the maj once too often. He always hated Ralka, and me as well for always taking his side, nor were he and my husband at all friends..."

Kes was revolted. How could such a man come from the same family as someone so wonderful as Anara? Be her brother? It sickened her to think about him. "Oh, Anara..." Kes spoke. -Please, let me in? Let me offer you comfort?- She asked telepathically.

-...Yes, please yes...- Anara replied. And Kes closed her eyes and opened the bond between them as fully as she could, let her feelings and her love for her wife wrap around Anara and sooth her, comfort her... They ended up kissing a few times, but no more than that. And Kes felt Tresit's thoughts still in turmoil. She considered trying to talk with him about it, but she could easily tell her adoptive son wouldn't want it. It saddened her, but she felt she couldn't go against his wishes, not for something so deeply personal as this must be for him. Besides, she had shielded Anara from sensing her son's anger through their bond, because she didn't want Anara to have to carry that at a time like this too, and she knew that neither Anara nor Tresit would want Lanam to find out. In any case, Tresit seemed to be dealing with it, quelling his anger and holding his sister closer for comfort. She decided she would talk to him later when they were alone and he'd had some time to let it settle. So, instead, she settled in together with her wife and Kes could tell, Anara was feeling much better by the time sleep claimed them both.

The story did not end there though, for in their dreams, Kes found herself sitting on a cliff outside of the Ocampan city where she'd grown up. It was an isolated place where she'd rarely taken anyone else. Only Lona once or twice, because she knew Lona was like her in that way - that she liked to have time to just... not talk, not think, and simply be.

She wasn't alone this time either. But when she looked over next to her, it wasn't Lona she saw, but Anara...

-It's beautiful...- Anara spoke in wonder. -I've never seen so much water so close before...- Kes got the impression of a time when Anara had seen oceans of water once, but... from high above.

-Soon, we can come here together if you want...? and not just in my memories...- Kes offered.

Anara moved closer and rested her head on Kes's shoulder and Kes wrapped her arm around her and they just sat there together for how long Kes didn't know. But, at some point, Anara moved to kiss her and Kes responded... It felt like magic.

* * *

to be continued

and I'm always happy to get comments (even really short ones)


	19. While We're Dreaming (7)

Snuggled up close with her wife, Kes was startled awake the next morning by Lanam's cry. Kes got up so fast she ended up getting tangled in the blanket and falling out of the cot, crying out herself when her hip hit the floor a little sharply. "Ouch..." She murmured her herself, shaking her head and realizing what had happened. She turned to look at her crying daughter who was sniffling and calling out, asking what was happening.

"Kes? Kes, what's wrong?! What's happened?!" Anara asked, getting up. "Where did you go?" She asked, getting out of bed and tripping herself. Kes scrambled to catch her when she fell. She sighed in relief. "Are you... are you alright?" Kes asked.

"Fine... I'm fine. Never mind me, what-"

"Lanam's fine, Tresit's..." She looked around to be sure. "gone somewhere, I..." She sat her wife down and went to go scoop the sniffling Lanam up in her arms and bring her to Anara. "Shh, Lanam, I'm here, we both are." Kes cooed, handing her to Anara who held her close.

"But Tresit, where's brother gone?" Lanam pleaded. "He's never gone when I get up, he never is!" She told them urgently.

"That's true, he... oh Kes, what could have-"

"Oh no..." Kes spoke quietly.

"What, what is it? What do you know?" Anara asked urgently, holding Lanam to her so her daughter's head rested on her shoulder.

"Last night, he heard us. When - he heard what we said. Maybe... maybe he just needed some time to himself?" Kes ventured.

"...If..." Anara wiped some welling tears of her own from her eyes. "If what you say is true, then it's... it's much worse than that, Kes. So much worse... All my fault. I've dreaded it so long... I should have never spoken it aloud, never..." She spoke in a broken sort of despondent way.

"Anara... Anara, you have to tell me." Kes prompted, moving close and touching her face and shoulder consolingly. She longed to hold her, hold them both, but she knew that whatever Anara was afraid Tresit had done was more important than that now.

"He's gone to kill him. He's gone to kill his uncle. I knew, if he ever found out, his honor would make him do this... He's... he's just a boy though, Tulk will... will surely kill him." And as the words hit her, they hit Lanam too and she started crying, wailing really, inconsolably.

"I'm going to find him, I swear I... I'll bring him back." Kes told her, feeling the panic and urgency well up inside her. "Take... just take care of Lanam while I'm gone, and try to quiet her. It's... you know it's not safe that she's so loud." She told her, though she hated that she had to say it.

"I will." Anara told her. "Please, Kes... save him for me, please..."

Kes was already up and getting her clothes on, finding her knives, and seeing that Tresit's knife was missing. "Just, this isn't your fault, Anara. It's not, and, and it won't matter anyway, because I'll bring - I'll bring him back. I will because it, it just has to happen that way." She told Anara, her mind denying that it could happen any other way, even though her heart knew otherwise. When she was dressed, she ran out of the house as fast as she could, her mind packed with not only her own fears and urgency and guilt, but Anara's too. They were still bonded, and it was all Kes could do to focus through it on the thing that both she and her wife needed now... to have their child back - to have him still be alive.

As she ran, distance made the bond between her and Anara more distant seeming too, but it was still there, and Kes held on to it for strength. And more, Anara knew precisely where her wicked brother's house was, and she knew the streets of the city better than Kes did, so Kes used Anara's memory to guide her unerringly to her destination, and used her own telepathic abilities to warn her of anyone who was in her way so she could avoid them.

It was still early in the day and the sun was just starting to truly light the world again. She had no way of knowing when last night Tresit had left. Still, Tresit was younger, had smaller legs, and would have had to have moved much more slowly and carefully to avoid being caught than the quick and all but unceasing pace Kes's longer legs, urgency, and preemptive telepathic scanning allowed her to move at, so she held out at least some hope of arriving in time.

When she arrived at the house, there was a man walking up to the door. Kes didn't feel she had enough time to stop though, and if he went inside then she'd have to contend with him anyway. So, before he saw her, she reached deep and forced her way into the man's mind. He turned to see her, and she made him fall unconscious. She was breathing hard, and doing what she'd just done caused her to tire further, made her head feel a just little fuzzy also, but being bonded with Anara seemed to be giving her at least somewhat more energy. Or, she believed it was anyway, she wasn't really sure if it was or if it was just her imagination telling her it was.

Either way, she wasted no time in going past the fallen man and into Tulk's house. There was a woman in the kitchen who saw her and backed away in fright. -Be quiet, or I'll come back and kill you.- Kes told her telepathically. She didn't really mean it, and felt terrible saying something like that, but she didn't want to use any more energy making the woman fall unconscious too and hoped frightening her would be enough to keep her from calling out for help.

The woman looked very afraid of her, and Kes almost flinched away from that look, but, if that woman where were a mother, she would understand.

Kes went past the kitchen, up the stairs, and heard the sounds of a struggle. She burst into Tulk's bedroom and saw an older Kazon boy holding Tresit down, about to stab her son with his own knife. "Murderer!" The boy accused Tresit. The boy's mind was too filled with fury to let Kes quiet it quickly like she'd been able to do with the man before, so Kes did the only other thing she could think of to do that she was sure would work. She reached deep inside herself and did what she hadn't wanted or needed to do again before now, and she found that place inside her that had lashed out at the man who had tried to force himself on her before and she lashed out at the boy, burning his mind and making him drop the knife. He cried out in pain and fell off Tresit, curling into a defensive ball and sobbing.

Kes stood there, feeling in shock. Had she really just done that to a young boy? She'd had to though, to save her son, hadn't she? She stopped what she was doing and the boy fainted. She met Tresit's wide, scared eyes, then looked over at the bed. A man was laying there, it had to be Tulk. He was bloody and dead. What had happened here?

"Father?" Kes heard a small voice call out.

Snapped out of her frozen state, Kes turned and went back into the hall and saw a young boy, younger than Lanam, in the hallway. A young girl hurried out of the room and gathered the boy up in her arms protectively. "Please, he is only a child." The woman pleaded. "I'm just a girl... We can't hurt you." The girl pleaded.

"I... I won't hurt you." Kes told them.

Tresit came out into the hallway then and looked at the two. "B... brother?" Tresit spoke. "Cousin Thalla?"

"T... Tresit? Little Tresit?" The girl, Thalla, Tulk's daughter apparently, questioned meekly. "Is... is it really you? You... you killed father?"

Tresit's voice hardened. "He killed my father and our uncle, Ralka. I was right to do it." He told her.

The words looked as a blow on the girl's face. "No, it's not true..." Thalla whimpered, holding the little boy who must be Anara's third child, Vastu, in her arms closer, though he was noticeably struggling to squirm free.

"It is true!" Tresit accused. "Now give my brother to me. He belongs with me, not you." He told her, advancing on her.

Kes heard a man's shout from outside. Someone must have seen the man she'd left on the street. "Tresit, no, we have to go - now!" She told him, tugging him back.

"But, my brother!" Tresit protested defiantly.

"If we try to take him with us, we'll be caught and he'll be killed too." Kes told him. She didn't know if that was true or not, but she wasn't willing to risk that it might be, and saying it seemed to work.

"I..." Tresit nodded that he accepted her argument and let her take his hand and lead him away. "I will be back for him, Thalla. Remember that I will!" Tresit called back to her.

Kes led him down the stairs. She caught the woman she'd passed before's eyes as she did, but quickly turned away and lead Tresit out the back way. She hurried them through the city, not saying anything as they went, but feeling all of not only her own roiling emotions, but Anara's as well. Still, Tresit was safe and they were coming home, and that was such a relief to both her and her wife that the rest didn't seem quite as bad as Kes suspected it really was.

Kes hurried Tresit on at an almost frantic pace, though she was nearly paranoid in how careful she was to keep out of sight of others (not that paranoia wasn't justified at the moment, because Kes was very certain that it was completely justified). At last though, they made it out of the city and into the foothills among the rocks where Kes finally collapsed on her feet, breathing hard, leaning her back against one of the rocks, and taking long, steadying breaths.

Her nerves were more jagged than she was sure they'd ever been and she felt the residual effects of all the fear she'd felt and still felt all through her body. Her thoughts were a jumble and she felt like she might pass out, but was trying very hard not to. She couldn't afford to do that now, not until she got Tresit home again to Anara. She could sleep then. For now, she just needed to rest a while to get back enough energy and clear her thought enough to keep going.

"Kes, mother, are you... are you hurt?" Tresit asked.

Kes closed her eyes and took a long deliberate breath, getting her thoughts together enough to where she could look over to him and meet his eyes and try to smile kindly just a little to assure him that she was going to be alright. "I'm... I'm fine, you don't have to worry, elshyash." She told him, using the Kazon word for 'honored son' and touching his face a little - like Anara would sometimes, she realized. She felt Anara here with her so strongly now, like she was almost speaking through her, and Kes was happy to just let her by this point.

He let out a breath, relieved. "I... am sorry, for the danger I put you in today... I didn't mean for it to happen like this." Tresit told her softly.

"...What did happen? Before I got there?" Kes asked, in accord with Anara in wanting to know the answer.

"I don't know if it was honorable, to kill a man while he slept, but... I am not a fool. I could not have done it otherwise... My father's memory was honored, his soul is with the Eight, and now he can slumber peacefully. His murder made right." Tresit told her, looking... very proud of himself. Kes couldn't really understand that, feeling that way about... about killing someone. Even someone horrible like Tulk. But Anara understood, and she could feel that... her wife was very proud of her son for what he'd done.

She couldn't deny Anara the words that came from her lips next. "My son... I am proud, my elshyash." She touched his face again.

He looked relieved at her words, and Kes could just sense his mood enough to realize that he hadn't been as sure as he'd sounded that what he'd done was a good or noble thing at all. Kes remembered looking at the dead man in the bed, covered in blood from all the times Tresit must have stabbed him to make sure he died, and imagined how it must have been for Tresit to see that and know he'd done that with his own hands. She felt tears fall down her cheeks and she wiped them away and smiled at him. "Come on, we should get going." She told him, even though the truth was that she wasn't nearly as content with all that had happened as Tresit or Anara were... Even though she wondered a little, in a place inside her mind that she wasn't letting Anara see, whether she'd ever be able to look at Tresit again as the same innocent little boy she'd though of him as before what had happened, before... what he had done.

"Of course." He agreed. He'd been breathing hard too when they stopped, and Kes could tell he was a lot more tired than she was. Physically anyway. Mentally, Kes felt like she'd be happy to never go back to that horrible city ever again... She knew she'd have to, at least a couple more times though, to get supplies.

They walked on in silence for a while. "We have to go back for him, for my brother. Will you help me?"

Kes didn't answer right away, she just kept walking. "I want to talk about all of this with Anara before we do anything. I'm... I think I just need to sleep for a while. I can't really think that well right now." She told him in a soft voice. Anara sensed that she was tired too and thankfully was just sending supportive and loving thoughts her way.

"...I understand." Tresit told her, sounding reluctant.

Kes looked over to him. "Promise you won't go without me? Please?" She asked him, almost pleaded, really. Even after what she had seen, even if she'd never think of him in the same way again, Kes knew that she still loved him anyway. Loved him very, very much...

"...I won't. Not unless you refuse to go. That is all that I can promise." Tresit replied.

Well, she supposed that would have to be enough then, for now.

The rest was a problem for later.

She kept walking, not letting go of Tresit's hand all the way back to their house.

* * *

to be continued

and I'm always happy to get comments (even really short ones)


	20. A Small God, Lost In The Night (1)

Her thoughts were pleasantly foggy later when she woke alone in her and Anara's cot. Anara was with their children on the other cot, entertaining them as she often did. As she began to tell them a story, Kes snuggled with the blanket a little more and sighed, smiling a little to herself, content to stay where she was for now and listen to the story too. Anara's voice was so beautiful...

"Long before the Kazon people existed, before the Eight, there were Two." Anara began her story. "They were Kazeron, god of the darkness, and his sister, Kazerel, goddess of the light. Like all siblings, like the both of you my darling ones, Kazeron and Kazerel liked to play games, and they danced and sang songs and, one day, they thought to try to make beings other than themselves. Their great and terrible powers crashed together in a storm of creation, and from it were born the second Two. They were Zonara, goddess of life, and Jalaris, god of fire.

"Like their older siblings, Zonara and Jalaris, in time, came to think that they could do what their older brother and sister had done, and so they brought their powers together and so was born the world of Kaze - of fire and of life. And of Kaze, so also were born Razal, god of stone and earth, and Harasail, goddess of water and sky. And, in time, in their turn, Razal and Harasail brought forth the youngest of the Eight sibling: Perila, goddess of the forest, and Kajet, god of animals.

"Life on Kaze was peaceful, but stagnant, with no one to whom the siblings could relate to as deeply as they could with one another, so they decided to come together and create a new form of life - one that came from all of them equally. And so the Kazon people were born. And so we each need that which we were born from to survive: light, darkness, fire, life, stone, soil, water, air, the fruit of the forest, and the flesh of animals. All must be present for us to live, and all must be in balance for our people to truly thrive. So too, do we need both men and women to live together, in balance, just as the Eight have always done. And so, the Eight set this responsibility before us, to tend to the world they created and gave us to live upon, to always keep it in balance, and to always honor their examples to us." Anara finished.

"And those like my uncle don't." Tresit said softly. "Even more of a reason it was good that I took his life from him..."

"...If uncle is gone, does that mean we can live in father's house again? Will father come back home? Or, uncle Ralka?" Lanam asked hopefully.

"...I wish it did mean that, Lanam, but... that's..." Anara couldn't say anymore.

"It doesn't work that way, little sister. Maybe it should, but it doesn't." Tresit told her, saying what their mother didn't want to.

"But it did happen in the story. The one you told us, about the family and the lost ketlit? Remember, they came back?" She insisted. "You said so." She told her mom.

"I did, but..." Anara again didn't have the words.

"Tell us the story next, momma, please?" Lanam asked hopefully.

Anara sighed. "I can do that." She told her softly.

"I like the story." Lanam said. "Don't you like it, Tresit?" She asked her brother.

"...It's a good story, of course I like it too." Tresit told her kindly, doing something that made her giggle a little. Kes couldn't tell what because her eyes were still closed, and she didn't want to open them and risk disrupting the storytelling with their concern for her.

"Tell the story, mother, please?" Lanam asked.

"All right, I will." Anara replied gently, and she began. "Once, when Kaze was green and bountiful and still blessed by it's creators, and all our people lived there and were not scattered among the stars... On a hill, near the edge of the forests of unknown lands, a family lived in a meager house - a father, a mother, a son, a daughter. One day, when the children were... actually about the ages the two of you both are now, they went off exploring in the woods and they found a small ketlit, hurt and alone. They wanted to help him, but didn't know how, so the brother took the ketlit up in his arms and they brought it back to their parents.

"The family had little, but what they had, they shared, and they nursed the lost ketlit back to health, day by day. They shared their home, and treated the ketlit as though he were of their family as well. In the fullness of time, this newest member of their family grew strong once again, and all seemed well... That is, until one dark day, when the earth shook, the sky poured torrents of water, and a mighty wind threatened to blow their house down.

"The family sought to flee the house and seek safety in the forest where the trees might be able to protect them, but it was not to be, for the little girl soon realized that the ketlit they all loved was not with them and must still be back in the house, and so she left her family and went back for him. Her brother, seeing her run back to the house, went back for her, and so, of course, their parents had no choice but to turn to try to save their children... the wind had no mercy in her that day though, for the house fell and the family were struck dead in the tumbling wood and stone.

"The story was not done however, for, soon, the skies parted, the earth stilled, the winds calmed, the sun again shone down it's benevolence on the land... and the family, by a power beyond their knowing, were brought back to life to stand there upon the hill, together and whole. They hugged each other and cried and gave thanks to the Eight for their lives, and, before them, the ketlit they had taken in emerged from the rubble of their house and spoke to them in reply.

"He told them that he was, in reality, Kazeron, god of the darkness. He explained that, as he had watched the tide of Kaze's history, he had seen the Kazon people, whom he and his siblings had created, ignore the land, and start to lose their way. In the darkness that was the unknown future to come, he told them that he had seen portents that spoke ill of the Kazon's ultimate fate. He told them that his sister who lit the way from the past towards the future, ever hopeful as she always was, had set before him a challenge: That he descend down from the heavens above and take the form of a small and helpless animal, that he place himself at the mercy of those whose hearts he doubted, and that, in this way, would they both come to know the truth of the Kazon's heart.

"And he told them that he had seen that truth in them, and that, because of that, he and his siblings would set them as guardians of his sister's hope. Kazerel, his sister, came down from the sky and stood beside him, and Kazeron showed them his true face. And then the Six remaining gods and goddesses all gathered around them and gave the family their blessings. And so it was that the first majs were named. Rokin and Cajel, the parents of the children who had found Kazeron in the woods that day. And so the title would pass down to their children, and their children's children..." Anara finished.

"See?" Lanam pointed out. "Father and uncle could come back. They were good, like the family in the story were. It could happen."

Kes opened her eyes and turned a little so she could see, keeping the blankets over for warmth, and she saw Anara smiling to their daughter and kissing her forehead. "I can't say for certain that they won't." She told them. "Who among us can know such things until they happen?" She told her softly.

"I think it could happen." Lanam said. "Mother Kes came and saved us, and it was just like that too. She has powers like the Eight do in the story even."

"If it did happen," Tresit said. "Then wouldn't Kes not be our mother anymore, because mother and father would have been married first. Is that what you want to happen?"

"That's dumb." Lanam said. "Why couldn't they just share? Mother always says that's the right thing to do, even when there isn't very much water or food."

"...Marriages are different." Tresit explained. "There can't be three people, only Two. It's like the story - Two, Two, Two, and Two - no Threes. It isn't allowed. Even now, with the Eight betrayed, it's still punished with death. Even a maj can't do that without his sect taking his life for it and his name being cursed forever. The Eight would be angry and take father away from us again, even if they did bring him back."

"Then, then..." Lanam looked frustrated, like she was trying to think really hard of something to tell Tresit so he would be wrong (Lanam liked it when she could make her brother admit she was right and he wasn't), but she didn't seem to be having much success this time.

"It's alright, you don't have to worry, Lanam." Anara told her.

"I know!" Lanam said. "Father and uncle could be the Two, a different Two. Then there's no problem, see?" She told Tresit like she'd just figured out something really impressive and she expected him to acknowledge it's impressiveness.

Tresit, in fact, did look kind of flummoxed, and he was actually blushing a little too. "Well, it probably wouldn't happen anyway..." He tailed off.

"But it could, you don't know it won't." Lanam countered.

"Fine, I don't know it won't." Tresit admitted. He usually did let Lanam have her way for things like this, Kes had noticed. As long as there wasn't a good reason not to, anyway.

Kes had to smile. Lanam really could be clever sometimes, and she was flattered that she would want her and Anara to stay together, even if her father came back. It made her feel so good to know that she'd accepted her as her parent so much already. It could have easily gone the other way and Lanam could have wished her to be with her uncle Ralka instead. She sighed and looked over at Tresit, smiling as Lanam tackled him and they wrestled in bed a little (not seriously at all of course).

Her and her wife's eyes met then, and Anara smiled shyly to her, getting up from their children's cot and walking over to her. She knew Anara could only see her as an indistinct shape, but, even so, Anara had been able to tell that she was awake and looking at her. Kes realized it was because their mental bond was still there, just a little. It had been, even while she'd been sleeping. She remembered it, just vaguely, that Anara had been there with her even when she'd been sleeping.

As Anara knelt down by the cot beside her, Kes strengthened their bond a little more, and mentally spoke to her. -Good morning, inraya... I love you.- Kes told her, reaching out to touch her face in a soft caress. 'Inraya' was the Kazon word that meant approximately 'one whom I honor above all, to whom I will always belong'. It was a term of endearment that a wife would traditionally use towards her husband, who would, if he were so inclined, reply by addressing her as 'omraya', which meant approximately 'one who belongs only to me, to whom I will always give my protection'. Kes supposed she could use 'omraya' herself, but that just didn't feel right to her. She knew she would protect Anara with all that she had in her if needed, but she didn't like that using the other word would imply some kind of superiority on her part, even ownership, because she'd seen for herself what a typical Kazon male probably thought of as 'belongs to' and she in no way wanted to imply to her wife that she had any feelings remotely like that towards her. Using 'inraya', to Kes, was a symbol that they would always belong to one another, equally, and that was what she wanted their relationship to always be.

Anara touched her face in return, running a hand through her hair and moving in to kiss her. -Inraya... This love for you is boundless...- Anara spoke back to her through their link. The words were a romantic phrase used in early Kazon poetry, referencing an epic poem Anara's mother used to recite to her when she was a girl. The full verse went 'This love for you is boundless. This cause is yours to keep. Our eyes upon the heavens, the skies for us must weep.' The poem was about a love story between one of the early majs of Kaze and the woman he loved from a rival sect, written against a backdrop of a time of great unrest. Through their link, Kes knew, her wife had never been moved to say things like that to her husband (who was never one for poetry) when he'd been alive, and it made Kes glad that she could be that for her - that she could be a person with whom Anara could share her most secret self, without fear of rejection.

"I think we should go play a game outside now, Lanam." Tresit told his sister in a somewhat hushed voice.

"Why?" Lanam asked.

Their kiss broke and Kes smiled against her wife's lips in amusement, Anara doing likewise.

"Never mind that now, just come with me, and I'll tell you why later." Tresit told her.

"If you say so." Lanam agreed. "Just don't forget, okay?" She made sure to tell him.

"I won't, now come sister." Tresit said, taking his sister outside to play in the afternoon shade. It was that time of day when the sun was waning and the temperature was becoming more comfortable again.

Kes giggled. "They're so cute sometimes." She told her.

"They truly are." Anara replied, giving her another brief kiss and then getting up, Kes shifting in bed to give her room to sit, and then cozying up to her once she had.

They kissed again for long minutes on end, neither in any hurry to do anything else or say anything else.

Finally though, Anara stopped and sighed. Kes cupped her chin gently and ran her hand up her forearm from where she'd been resting it over Anara's hand. "What is it?" Kes asked softly, not really quite ready to consider all the many things it could be. She'd been deliberately not thinking very much about what had happened in the morning after they'd both been woken up by Lanam's cries for her missing brother.

"I could... I could feel it, Kes." Anara told her softly. "When... what you thought, looking at Tresit, after he had... done what he had done... After you saw the proof of his actions." She confessed. "You couldn't hide those feelings from me."

"...I'm sorry." Kes told her, caressing her cheek again and then bringing her hands to her wife's shoulder.

"Please beloved, I could never seek to shame you... I only..." Anara trailed off, unable to find the words.

"You can tell me. Whatever it is, Anara, you can tell me." Kes told her, kissing her just softly for a moment again. "I promise, you can tell me anything and I will always love you just the same. My sacred oath, upon my blood and bones, forever." She told her, using a Kazon pledge that basically meant that Anara had a right to... chop her to into very small pieces and feed those pieces to nearby animals if she went back on her word. It was kind of a grizzly thing to say, but Kes knew that Anara would be moved by a promise like that.

Anara smiled to her shyly, running a hand through her hair and making a small humming sound. "My life for you, my... my soul for you..." Anara told her, devotion clear and bright in her words.

"...and mine for you..." Kes told her, kissing her again.

The kiss was long and sweet and much more a promise than a seduction; though it would always be that too, Kes knew.

The kiss broke, and they were both breathing just a little bit deeper. "...Tell me." Kes spoke softly.

"...Can you forgive him? Our... our son, I saw... I saw how you loved him before. How you loved them both without even having to try... it's one of the reasons it was so easy to trust you and love you, one of the many reasons why I loved you without even having to try. Is it still the same? Do you... do you love him the same, or... do you... feel ashamed for him...? Has... has he lost honor in your eyes?" She asked.

Kes's eyes had widened as her wife had asked those last questions. She closed her eyes then, and knew she had to give her an answer. She looked inside herself for one. "I will always love him, Anara... he's my son. If not by blood, then, in every other way he feels like he's my child." She opened her eyes and touched her hands to her wife's cheeks. "It was... hard for me to see what he'd done. But... I... I've nearly killed twice now. I would... I would kill - for you, or for them? If there was... no other way, then I know that I would if I were able to because I'd have to... but... I just, it's true that I don't see this the same way you do. I don't... I don't see honor in it, or... or something to be proud of. It just... makes me feel sad... like it's tragedy, of whatever scale, or quality, or necessity, but still a tragedy. It's... I wish it hadn't happened, that it wasn't like this... that your brother Tulk had been a better man, a better brother to you, in some way... There's not an easy answer though, and I know that wishes like that are of no substance or reason, but my feelings are mine, and they're for you, and for them... It might not be what you'd want of me, but it's what I have, and I can... only hope that it's enough?"

"Inraya..." Anara spoke gently, moving forward to touch her forehead to Kes's, her hands laying at the back of the base of Kes's neck.

"I will always love him, and he hasn't... he hasn't lost honor to me, but..." Kes sighed. "I suppose I'll just... be very happy to go back under the surface with you, with them, so that this... So that he won't have to worry about things like vengeance again."

Anara moved forward and kissed her again then, Kes letting the blankets drop from her chest. -You are so beautiful...- Anara told her, thoughts to thoughts, as Kes gratefully returned the kiss, relieved to have the difficult issue resolved between them. Relieved that Anara accepted her still. It had been hard to talk about, but Kes knew in her heart it was good that Anara had made her confront her feelings and share her heavy heart with her. She knew that, because, somehow, her heart felt so much lighter now for having told her.

Anara moved forward against her then, one hand traveling upward to cup one of Kes's breasts. -Lay for me?- She asked a little shyly.

-I'm yours. My heart and soul... for you...- Kes replied, letting her wife lay her down on their cot before her so that she could claim her once again. Their lips met again for a long string of kisses, Kes tangling one hand in Anara's long curly hair.

When she whimpered a little, trying to work Anara's clothing off, her wife pulled away, slowly at first, and sat up straddling her. Kes looked up at her in question as Anara smiled down to her and began to take off her clothes as Kes looked on. Kes's hands traveled up to slide over the skin of her thighs and Kes swallowed, her heart beating faster in her chest and her body alive with want and anticipation of the passion to come... She loved being married, even more than she'd ever imagined she would.

When Anara was as unencumbered as she, her wife lowered herself down over her again and they kissed, Kes's hands going one to one of her wife's breasts, the other to her back. Her body arched a little against Anara's, seeking more closeness. Their mental bond deepened as they continued to make love, it happening even without Kes consciously thinking about doing it. She could feel Anara wanted it, wanted to fall into each other again and share their feelings and perspectives all over again as they had before. Kes wanted that too, so much it was almost overwhelming, and it felt so very good when their bond bloomed again in full.

They made love three times over until tiredness made them stop and they snuggled together under the blankets, Kes very contentedly kissing the skin on her wife's neck while they held hands and held each other close. Anara was smiling and humming just softly, both of them feeling very thoroughly satisfied. Kes stilled her kisses after a time and lay her head down, snuggling all the closer with her wife, her eyes closed and breathing soft.

They lay like that for Kes was pleasantly unaware of how long, but, at one point, she heard Tresit bring his sister inside and put her to bed to rest, her having tired herself out, and him telling her that he was going to go outside and meditate for a while before he came in again, and that then they'd have a meal together.

The mention of a meal reminded Kes, and, by the extension of their mental bond, Anara as well, that she would need to go out for another round of thieving soon in order prepare for their exodus across the desert and down under the surface. Kes sighed, not really wanting to think about it until she had to, because she knew Tresit would want to go with her, and that he'd also want to steal his little brother back while they were in the city. Kes could easily tell that Anara was as well aware of that as she, and further, she could tell how conflicted and secretly hopeful her wife was at the idea of having her lost son back. Kes could hardly blame her of course, she remembered that cute little boy she'd seen in the hallway in his cousin's arms and her heart all too easily went out to him. He was her son now too, after all - Tresit and Lanam's brother - she couldn't help feeling that way... Still, it was dangerous... she didn't like to think how dangerous it might actually be.

* * *

to be continued

and I'm always happy to get comments (even really short ones)


	21. A Small God, Lost In The Night (2)

-Anara...?- Kes asked.

-Yes?- Anara answered, her thoughts soft and full of adoration for her, despite their shared undercurrent of worry.

-The story you told, about the first majs?-

-What about it?- Anara asked.

-Just... if that, or something like it, really happened, then... how did it all go wrong for them? For your people?- Kes asked.

-I don't know if the story is true either, or even partly true, but... it is an accepted fact of our history that a line of majs who, at least, claimed linage with Rokin and Cajel from the legend ruled our united people for many generations...- Anara began thoughtfully, now playing the storyteller again as she so often had. Kes snuggled just a small bit closer to her and kissed the skin of her neck lightly, encouraging her to continue.

-At one point, their line came to be ruled by a maj named Umral, who was... a reformer. He claimed that the Eight spoke to him and commanded him to build great cities in their names, either new cities or rejuvenated and renamed versions of preexisting ones. He conscripted or compelled in some way many, if not most, of our people to build these cities for him. He worked them too hard though, it seemed, for they all rose up against him in the end and slew him and his family in one night of blood and death. It also hadn't helped him that he hadn't had a wife, or even a husband; as you know, my people are superstitious about such things. And, for one of his age and position, it was... very unusual.- She went on. -In any case, as you might guess, that was the day the sects began to rise with us. Many argued that they should be the next maj, and, in time, factions gathered together and, when a peace could not be found between them, the first great war in our history began... Kaze emerged from that war a broken world, with far too many dead and eleven nations standing where once was only one.

-My mother told me that this was the great breaking point when we lost balance with the Eight, with our world... She told me that she thought Umral wrong to have worked his people so hard, and that he broke faith with the Eight in his own right to not marry, but that what the people had done in response was much, much worse. They ravaged the lands in their wars... It was from the seeds of that first great war that the dark times came many generations later. Our world no longer green and kind, no longer in any sort of balance, the Eight having abandoned us for our foolishness and cruelty. An then, as you're aware, the Trabe came, and we were... lost to them.

-In the end though, if the Trabe had truly wished to keep us at their mercy, then they would have been better served to learn our history, for they made Umral's mistake - they made worse than his mistake. And they paid his price, as my people again rose up and slew their tormentors in a night of blood and death.- Anara spoke. -But, of course, as my mother said, we are making Umral's usurpers' mistake all over again unto this very day... I have no doubt, if my people continue down that road as they have been, then Kazeron's warning may well come true one day... and we will all be lost in darkness, a dead race, even as we seek to visit that very fate upon the Trabe for their crimes against us.- Anara finished, having lost herself a little in her emotions.

Kes was silent for a time. -...There's hope though.- She finally said. -For all of Kazeron's darkness, isn't it always matched by Kazerel's light? And, even though Kazeron... he told them that he saw that horrible future for them, but he still wanted to change it. If... your people really do come from them, from Kazerel and Kazeron, and the other Six that came after them, then how can the Kazon be as bad as it seems?- Kes asked. -When I lay here with you, safe and loved, having found a place to belong at last, and someone to belong with... how can I believe that a people you came from are so terrible as that? ... Kazerel's faith in you hasn't died, not as long as you live, Anara... it can't have...- Kes told her with soft sincerity and total faith that her words had to be true.

Anara had no words to reply with, but Kes was more than happy to be rolled over onto her back and kissed as thoroughly as Anara was kissing her. They kissed for long, timeless minutes, pleasantly absent of much thought at all, simply enjoying each other and the love they'd come to share, not taking it any further than that this time.

After a time, their fervor for one another again faded and they settled back together, Anara snuggled above Kes this time in a reverse of their previous positions. -Thank you.- Anara told Kes softly at one point. -Your words meant so much to me...-

Kes merely kissed her skin again in response and told her in something less and yet more than words how she felt.

Soon, Tresit came back in and they both knew they had to get up to share the day's last meal with their children. Kes had eaten something after she'd brought Tresit back that morning, and been given water when she'd returned, but that's all she'd had all day. She hadn't realized it so much when she'd been laying with her wife in bed, but now that she wasn't in Anara's arms anymore, she realized she really did want a meal and she was grateful that they were going to eat soon.

Once she and Anara had helped each other dress again, Kes sat on the floor with her new family and they ate together. They talked about light subjects, Tresit thankfully not bringing up the morning's events, and Lanam strangely quiet. So quiet, that Kes was actually a little concerned, and she knew that Anara was too.

When they'd got back, Lanam had hugged her brother and not let go for a long time. She'd also treated Kes as though she was even more her hero than she had been before. Lanam had asked questions later of course, and they'd told her what had happened... though, they'd still left out the part about little Vastu. Kes wasn't sure that was the right thing anymore, and she turned to Anara and asked her silently through their bond if they should tell her.

Anara was conflicted, but, in the end, she didn't want to tell Lanam and then have it turn out that she'd never be able to see Vastu at all. Kes understood that of course, and agreed it was the best thing... though she was still less than sure, just like Anara was.

They were finishing up their still less than completely filling meal, Tresit volunteering to put things away, when Lanam got up and went back to her and Tresit's bed. Kes followed after her and knelt down beside her bed, feeling helpless to do anything but that. She reached out and touched her daughter's face and hair a little. "You're... so quiet, Lanam... Daughter, is something wrong?" She asked.

Tears escaped Lanam's eyes and she all but threw herself forward, Kes taking her up and setting her down in her lap as Anara came over to sit next to her. "Momma..." Lanam said to her as Kes held her close and felt like she might cry too any moment. Anara wrapped her arms around them from behind and lay her head on Kes's shoulder.

"It'll be alright, my asasha... we'll be alright." Kes told her softly. 'Asasha' was a Kazon word for 'treasured and beloved daughter'.

Tresit came over and sat on the edge of the bed, looking worried but unsure of what he could do or say to help. His and Kes's eyes met and Kes could see the guilt hiding there - he thought this was his fault. Whether it was because what he'd done was wrong or not, he was the reason why Lanam was upset and they both knew that was true. Still, she offered him an encouraging look as she softly repeated "We'll be alright, I promise."

He looked grateful to her for having said it, and Kes offered him a small smile in response.

Lanam seemed to slowly calm down and move back from clinging to her to dry her tears. Kes touched her hair and cupped her chin lightly, Lanam nuzzling her hand a little and closing her eyes. "Lanam, what's wrong? Please, will you tell me?" Kes asked softly.

"I don't know..." Lanam replied in a small voice.

"...Are you scared?" Kes asked, making a guess from the jumble of feelings she couldn't help but vaguely sensing from her. "Maybe, um... maybe about going to sleep and Tresit not being there when you wake up? Are you worried it could happen again?" She asked, meeting Tresit's eyes again and seeing the renewed guilt there.

"Maybe, I guess." Lanam admitted, sounding a little embarrassed to admit to it. "I thought... I thought maybe he'd go away, like father, that you'd go away too..."

"I'll always try very hard to make sure that doesn't ever happen. I promise." Kes told her gently.

Lanam didn't say anything, she just hugged her again. "...I love you, momma." Lanam told her softly at last.

"...I love you too, asasha. We all do, so much." Kes told her.

Lanam sniffed and sat back again, realizing she couldn't stay where she was forever. Kes handed her over to Anara then. "Momma." Lanam said again, snuggling up to Anara for another hug and sounding in much improved spirits. Anara soon got up with their daughter in her arms and sat on her and Tresit's cot, starting to sing one of her people's songs in a soft but so beautiful voice.

Anara reached out and took Tresit's hand, and Kes took Tresit's other hand as Tresit started to sing the song too. Kes joined in too and lay her head against Anara's thigh on the cot.

They sang two more songs until Lanam was fading fast and nearly asleep. "We are always here for you, we are family and we love you with all our hearts, asasha." Anara cooed to her in a very soft voice, handing Lanam over to her brother who took her in his arms and hugged her as Anara left the cot and sat down on the floor with Kes, reaching out to hold her hand.

Tresit and Anara helped Lanam out of her outer clothing, Tresit getting undressed too, and then putting her to bed. He sat up then and looked to Kes, knowing, of course, that eye contact would mean nothing to Anara who wouldn't know he was doing it, and he spoke. "Mother, mother... I... I am ashamed to have frightened her. I promise, I'll try very hard never to do it again."

"We accept your word, beloved elshyash." Anara replied, touching his cheek fondly. His and Kes's eyes met and Kes nodded to him to signal that she agreed with Anara too.

He swallowed and nodded, looking unsure of himself but gratified to have their faith. "...um, good night then." He told them softly.

"Goodnight, elshyash." Kes replied.

He got under the blanket and let Lanam snuggle up to him like she usually did. She and Anara lingered there a moment, Anara squeezing Kes's hand and leaning against her shoulder. After a few moments passed, Kes nudged her wife and they got up together and went to their own cot, helping each other undress and then getting into bed together.

-You were so wonderful with them...- Anara told her, wrapping Kes in her arms as she snuggled in for sleep together.

-...before I'd met you, I'd never really thought about having a family... I'd never let myself see that far into what my future might be. Some... some female couples among my people do have children. They make bargains with male couples to accomplish it. For instance, agreeing that the child would be given to the male couple if male, or the female couple if female - or whatever other bargain the couple in question want to agree to. I found that out when Lona took me to visit with some of them one day on the outskirts of the city in the area they've gathered and made their home. Lona'd been sad that I wouldn't be able to have children like she could, so she'd investigated it. She was so happy for me when she'd found that my attraction to females instead of males didn't have to mean I would be childless. But, by that time, I was too scared that Tae would reject me that I didn't... I pretended to be happy for Lona's sake, but, really, I didn't let myself think about it...

-What I mean to say is... I like it. I like... being a mother. It makes me so happy that I can share it with you, Anara.- Kes finished.

-...I love being able to share it with you too...- Anara told her back softly. -When Lanam hugged you just now, I can't... I can't even describe how good that felt... and to feel through our link how much you care for her, for both of them... and for me... I've... I've had to take care of them alone for so long... It's so much better in every way to have you with me. Life seems... so perfect, just because you're with me... Even with the problems we face, it's perfect...-

Kes kissed her neck then -For... for me too...- Kes told her softly, nearly overwhelmed with emotion from what Anara had told her.

They didn't say anything else to one another that night, they just held each other close and fell off to sleep, only to find themselves on that cliff in the Ocampa city again, holding hands and looking out over the water. In the dream, Kes met her wife's eyes and saw Anara smile to her. In their dreams, after all, Anara could see her perfectly.

* * *

to be continued

and I'm always happy to get comments (even really short ones)


	22. A Small God, Lost In The Night (3)

The next morning, Kes and her wife woke up to the soft sound of singing. Kes blinked open her eyes and turned in their cot, Anara sleepily wrapping her arms around her from behind and snuggling close to her, clearly not fully awake. Kes smiled happily, both because Anara was being so cute, and because Tresit and Lanam were too. Tresit was sitting cross-legged on his and his sister's cot with Lanam in his lap, and they were singing a song. It was an easy, simple song meant for children about staying strong against slavery and oppression. It was one of Lanam's favorites - probably more because it was cheerful, upbeat, and rhymed a lot, than because of the words themselves.

Kes just let herself relax, watch, and share her eyes with her wife through their bond so Anara could see them too. Anara inhaled in surprise just a little against her skin, smiling and relaxing with her and watching the scene before them, neither of them saying anything, even over their mental bond, just enjoying the moment for all that it was.

When the song ended, Tresit's eyes found hers and he looked guilty. "I'm sorry if we woke you early." He told them.

"Please, don't be." Kes answered, getting up. "I liked your song very much, so did Anara." Kes told them both.

"Mother always likes it when we sing." Lanam spoke up happily, again correcting her brother because that was one of her favorite things to do.

"Which mother?" Tresit teased her back.

"Both!" Lanam answered quickly. "Momma Kes just said so. You should pay attention more."

Tresit just laughed. "My sister, who's wisdom shall always endure. Whatever would I do without her?"

Lanam laughed and squirmed around to go on a tickle attack against him. Anara had gotten up to sitting and was laying her head on Kes's shoulder from behind, their sight sharing still going on, and both mothers laughed as Lanam's attack dissolved into another wrestling match between their children. It was a forgone conclusion that Tresit would let Lanam win of course, but it was still thoroughly entertaining to watch.

Anara sighed happily and kissed the skin of Kes's shoulder, then moved up to her neck. Kes sucked in a breath and closed her eyes when she got to her ear. It felt really good. -I want to, but this probably isn't the right time...- Kes teased her over their mental link.

Anara stopped and giggled a little, pulling her down onto the bed with her in a heap and tickling her. "Four can play this game." Anara told a surprised Kes who playfully defended herself. They ended up wrestling too, and she decided to follow Tresit's example and let her wife win in the end.

So it was that, both of them breathing hard, Anara's nearly sightless eyes were soon looking down on her, Kes's wrists pinned to the bed. Both of them were smiling and Kes felt a wave of heat under her skin when her eyes trailed to her wife's chest. She swallowed. "Um, we... should probably have breakfast now, don't you think so?" She ventured. -Unless you can't hold yourself back...?- She teased over their mental link.

Anara smiled, her eyes, nearly sightless though they were, easily conveying that she was strongly tempted to take Kes up on her implied challenge. Still, Kes knew her wife wasn't about to miss a breakfast with their children, and, truth told, Kes didn't want to miss that either, especially after what had happened yesterday... It felt, and she could easily tell through their link that it felt this way to Anara too, like, after yesterday, they needed to be there for Tresit and Lanam even more. So Anara let her go, helping her up. -It's better you have some time to let the anticipation build up while we eat, that way you'll have energy from the food, and heat from the waiting.- She told her softly as she moved to kiss her.

Kes let herself be kissed and had to admit that she was fairly burning inside from it. When the kiss ended, she swallowed and felt hot all over.

She and her wife helped each other get dressed together. While they did, Tresit offered to go and set things out for them, Lanam following after him and wanting to help him. Kes and Anara sat on their cot together, Kes holding her wife loosely around her waist from behind, and watched for the minute or two it took the children to set up the indoor picnic breakfast. Kes mused to herself that soon they'd be back with her people and have a house with a table to eat at, and plenty of food and water on that table.

She felt Anara's thoughts caressing her own in a way they'd both learned how to do recently, their mental link becoming more and more second nature to them. Kes hummed a little at how nice it felt, the two of them getting up, hand in hand, to go have their meal together with their children.

The meal was very nice, and, happily, Lanam seemed to be getting back to her normal, cheerful, inquisitive self, asking more questions about where they were going to live. Seemingly, she'd latched on to the idea of going to live in a new place even more now, because she'd realized it would mean that her family would be safe and wouldn't be taken from her any more than it already had been.

After breakfast was over though, Anara asked Tresit to take his sister out to play for a while, while the temperature was still cool. Tresit was noticeably reluctant, meeting Kes's eyes in a way that she could tell was meant to say that he wouldn't wait forever to keep his word and go back for his brother. Kes nodded to him in resignation. That seemed to satisfy him and he led his sister outside by the hand to play games. Anara then lead Kes by the hand back to their cot to do something else entirely, the anticipation of which was already putting Kes in a much improved state of mind... and also helping her not to think so much about what the day ahead might hold.

* * *

to be continued

and I'm always happy to get comments (even really short ones)


	23. A Small God, Lost In The Night (4)

Later that morning, after a few rounds of thoroughly satisfying love making, Kes found herself on top of her wife, just kissing and in no real hurry at all to stop.

The sound of Lanam laughing came floating in from outside though, and they could hear Tresit's laugh in response too, quieter, but still with the quality of joy to it. Kes might have been able to keep kissing her wife, but that she felt Anara's focus on the very pleasant activity wane a little and sensed the reason why through their bond. Kes sighed softly and stopped kissing her, laying herself down over her, Anara's arms sliding down to rest on her lower back. Kes snuggled in close to her and closed her eyes. -You're worried...- She spoke to her through their link. Speaking this way had become as natural to them as talking aloud by now... Maybe... maybe even more so.

-...You aren't...?- Anara asked back, knowing, of course, that Kes was just as worried as she.

-You know I am... I guess I just haven't been in a hurry to... really think about it. That's all...- Kes admitted.

-...You don't have to feel responsible for this.- Anara told her gently, bringing a hand up along her body to touch her face. Kes nuzzled against the hand and held it with one of her own. -He's going to go after his brother whether you go with him or not. If anyone is to blame...-

-No, don't think that.- Kes countered. -You couldn't have know...-

-Yes, I could... it's only... with you, when I'm with you... it's so...-

-Are you saying that I'm a very distracting influence?- Kes asked, smiling a little at saying it.

Anara smiled too. -Something like that maybe. I feel so safe... I didn't think, when I should have... If I hadn't spoken it aloud...-

-...Maybe something good, something really good will come of it? If I have anything to say about it, we'll... have Vastu back.- Kes told her encouragingly.

-...and what about Thalla...? What about Artem, and Miteza?- Anara asked softly, feeling guilt. -My brother was not a good man, but he was their father, Miteza's husband. Even lacking my... my defect, it's not an easy thing much of the time, for a woman and her children to make their way when her husband dies. Out here on a mining world, even less so. And, if word gets out that Tulk was killed in his sleep by a boy as young as Tresit is...? After so many deaths in his family already... My people can be very superstitious about such things, perhaps somewhat rightly so in this case...-

-They'll think he was weak, and that his children must be too...- Kes finished, realizing what her wife was getting at. -They might be shunned.-

-It's a real danger for them, yes...- Anara admitted. -Artem is old enough that he should be able to make his way, but, having been raised by my brother, I have doubts he will be as loyal to his family as Tresit has been. And, without him, if Miteza is not able to find another husband soon, it will be very hard for her and her daughter alone... Women, even men to a somewhat lesser extent, who are past a certain age and unmarried for very long a time, for whatever reason, are still often looked on badly... I was not yet of that age when my husband was killed, I am still not, but Miteza would be of that age by now, or close enough to it...-

-...What do you know about her?- Kes asked. -About Miteza?- She asked, picturing the frightened woman in the kitchen that she'd... threatened to kill.

-...I don't know her well. She was always very quiet... she never talked much, even to other women, as far as I knew...-

-...They're a part of our family too.- Kes spoke what she knew Anara was thinking beneath what she'd been saying.

-...They are.- Anara replied.

Tulk's death was their fault, and family was family... The only trouble was, of course, neither one of them was quite sure what they could do to make this right.

Kes did want to make it right though, if she could.

* * *

to be continued

and I'm always happy to get comments (even really short ones)


	24. The Debts of Family (1)

Later in the day, Kes and Tresit had left for the Kazon city, having traveled only about a tenth of the way there so far. They'd told Lanam it was just for supplies... Kes had felt with every word that she was betraying her daughter's trust by not telling her, but she didn't know what else to do. As she walked in silence, she could still feel Anara with her though, through their bond, and that was very comforting to her. The bond would fade somewhat the farther away from each other they got, Kes knew from experience. And that was just one more reason she knew she couldn't put it off any longer - she had to have a talk with Tresit and plan what they would do.

She'd been looking around for a good spot for it and she'd just seen one. "Wait?" Kes asked softly.

Tresit turned to her in question.

"Before we go any further, we need to talk about some things I think." Kes spoke, indicating the spot she'd seen. It was shaded and well positioned so they weren't visible but had three ways they could run if they needed to.

"...I thought you might want to." Tresit admitted, going to sit down next to her on the rock ledge Kes had picked out.

He'd been quiet since Kes had told him she would go with him... quiet in a way that was worrying her. "...Tresit, I know something's wrong. Something more than worry over the danger of what we're going to do." She ventured. "Please... tell me?"

Tresit shook his head. "It was right, what I did." He told her softly. "I know it was..."

"...Do you really though?" Kes asked softly. She could sense Anara not liking that she'd asked that, no matter that she didn't want Kes to know she felt that way, but Kes knew she'd had to say it, that she couldn't stand not to say it any longer. She also told Anara through their link that it was alright that they didn't agree about everything. That she didn't want them to, didn't want Anara to feel like she had to be deferential about things like this - or about anything, if she didn't want to. She felt Anara's slight surprise and confused feelings about that. Also her worry over how Tresit would react to this... she didn't want him to feel ashamed.

Tresit was quiet for long moments. "No... I don't." He finally admitted. "I don't know at all, actually." He admitted softly, sounding relieved to have said it. "If it was right or not... or what other choice I could have made. My father's voice tells me that it was."

"It's not how you feel though, is it?" Kes asked softly, secretly relieved.

Tresit sighed. "I don't know." He told her. "Maybe I never will... I just know that my brother needs me." He spoke quietly. "I have a responsibility to my family. That's what I do know."

Kes reached over and took his hand, her son closing his fingers around hers and looking over to meet her eyes at last. "For now, maybe that's enough? There's time to figure out the rest later. I just... I want you to know that you do have a choice in this, alright? About... about who you want yourself to be. You don't have to be the son your father might have expected you to be... If he loved you like I believe he must have, I think he'd just want you to be happy and to have a prosperous life. The kind of man he was, to have gone against what his people expected of him and stay true to his family, despite Anara and Lanam's supposed defects, I think he'd be proud of you for being strong enough to make your own choices. If you think about it, that's probably one of his most fundamental legacies to you... Along with a good heart."

He looked thoughtful at that, his gaze having returned to the desert. "I'd thought that it would feel differently than it did, after he was dead. But I hardly feel anything, I just remember the sounds. More than that though, I just... I keep seeing Artem's face when he saw me there, over his father... My uncle deserved the death I gave him. I know that he did, even... even if he didn't kill my father and uncle Ralka, he deserved it for casting my mother and sister out to their deaths. He deserved worse than that for what he's done... It doesn't matter what I feel about it, that's still true. But... Artem didn't deserve what I did to him. Probably he didn't anyway... But I remember thinking that maybe he deserved my death too. That mother and Lanam would have been alright, because they have you now."

"...Do you still think that?" Kes asked, feeling not only her own dread and fear but Anara's as well at what their son had just told her.

"I don't know. Maybe..." He admitted quietly. "It would..." He shook his head. "I don't want to die."

Kes breathed a sigh of relief for that at least. "That's good... because, well, we wouldn't be alright. If that had happened, we wouldn't have been alright... I mean, I would have taken care of them with all that I had, you know that I would have... but we all love you, so, we wouldn't have been alright. Just... think how you'd feel... if Lanam died. Would you be alright?"

He looked over at her sharply, his eyes wide. He didn't say anything, he just looked off in the distance. "It would destroy me." He finally said, simply. "I'm... I'm sorry, mother."

Kes smiled softly. "It's alright." She told him.

They sat there in silence a little while longer. "We should go now." Tresit finally said.

"No, there's... there's one more thing." Kes spoke.

He turned to her, curious but apprehensive. "Yes?" He asked.

"Thalla, Miteza... Artem..." Kes spoke.

Tresit looked at her a long moment. "What about them?" He asked soberly.

"Anara tells me that Tulk's death could be very bad for them." Kes told him.

"...If Miteza remains unmarried, you mean." Tresit spoke, looking off into the desert again. "They could end up like we did, that's what you mean, isn't it?" He said, obviously feeling the weight of his words on his shoulders. "I should have thought of that." He sounded angry with himself that he hadn't.

"It's understandable you didn't." Kes told him. And it was - after everything that had happened yesterday, of course it was.

"...What should we do?" Tresit asked.

Kes shook her head. "I don't know. I don't think it's really something we can plan for... I just think we need to help them if we can. If they need it, or if they'll let us."

Tresit thought a moment and nodded. "Agreed." He told her. "It's only... Artem will try to kill me." He told her, meeting her eyes again. "He'll... he'll have to, if he wants to have a chance at prosperity. Especially... especially if he wants to protect his family from ruin."

"I won't let that happen." Kes told him softly.

"I didn't think that you would." He said back just as softly. "You didn't last time, I mean."

"It'll work out." Kes told him.

"What if it doesn't though?" He asked. He didn't usually talk like this, Kes knew. At least... She wished it hadn't happened, but at least it had made him question some things. That was a healthy thing for anyone to do, in Kes's considered opinion.

"Then we'll deal with whatever happens together, elshyash." She told him.

He met her eyes and she saw faith there. He looked off into the desert then. "It's funny. When you say things like that, it makes me believe it too. Mostly, anyway." He said. "That... That means a lot." He told her. "I remember, I was sure of things like that once too though. Too sure, I think..." He admitted. "What I mean to say is, it can be dangerous to be too sure of things sometimes."

She smiled a little sadly at that. "Trust me, I'm not." She told him. "I just know... when you're in the middle of a desert, building a house isn't an option, you have to walk."

He laughed a little at that, getting down to his feet from the ledge they'd been sitting on and looking back to her. "Then I guess we should get walking again." He told her.

Kes hopped down onto her feet. "That would be the logical thing to do" She told him, offering him a soft smile.

* * *

to be continued

And, please note, I've started a 2nd Voyager story called "What We Live For", featuring Kathryn Janeway, B'Elanna Torres, and an array of other characters you'll recognize from the show. It takes place back in the Alpha Quadrant and focuses on the Maquis. If you've enjoyed this story so far, you might like to check the new one out too.


	25. The Debts of Family (2)

After a while of walking, largely in silence, Kes and Tresit had gotten much closer to the city. They stopped and hid though when they heard voices. "Why would someone be coming out this way?" Kes whispered to Tresit once they'd ducked into the best hiding spot they could find.

"I don't know." Tresit shook his head. "There's no reason to..." He sighed. "Except if they were looking for someone living out here..."

Cold dread and a tendency towards panic rushed through Kes's mind and body so fast she felt almost a little dizzy from it. She grit her teeth and forced her way through the feelings though. "We have to see." She told him in a tightly controlled whisper. "You stay here."

"I won-" Tresit started to protest.

Kes stopped him, meeting his eyes sharply enough to surprise him into quiet. "You'll stay here. You have to. If I'm spotted, I'm faster than you. I can lead them away while you run back to Anara and Lanam and get them out of the house. If that happens, bring them to meet me by the expanse on the more deserted side of the city where we went to retrieve my supplies. It has to be this way, it's our best chance of protecting our family." She told him quietly, but keeping purpose and determination in her voice.

He nodded, accepting her sound reasoning, if with still evident reluctance. "I won't fail." He told her.

"I know you won't." Kes told him, trying to put as much faith and belief in the words as she could. She put a hand on his shoulder and sent him a few of those feelings with her mental abilities too, before turning and heading towards the sound of the voices. The truth was, of course, she could warn Anara of danger through their link, and she would do that if needed, but she and her wife both wanted Tresit safe, so she'd lied to him to make sure he would be.

She took out her knives as she crept along, turning them under so they pointed down instead of up so she could climb among the rocks more easily. As she got closer, the voices went quiet. She could sense where they were anyway though; still, that they had gone quiet made her even more cautious. Had they heard her coming? She readied herself, putting herself in the frame of mind to use her abilities against them if she had to. She knew that, again, her mental abilities were her only real advantage. Unless luck was very much on her side, she was under no illusions that the knives would give her much of a real chance in a fight against two Kazon males who were probably better armed, and she was dubious at best at the prospect of being able to outrun them for very long either. She could sense there were two for sure though, even if she couldn't tell if they were male or what age they were yet.

She crept up on them slowly, feeling Anara's nerves a match for her own, and her fear more so. Kes had to block some of those feelings out, fearing they might paralyze her if she let them. She closed her eyes and focused her thoughts to a clear point of intention and purpose. She had to have her wits about her, she had to focus on what she was doing, on paying attention to everything around her, if she was going to have the best chance.

She heard them walking soon, and crept up on them from a higher ledge of rocks, keeping herself as hidden as she could while she peeked out to get a look at them. She froze a moment as she immediately recognized who they were: Artem and the man she'd put to sleep outside Tulk's house on her way to save Tresit. The man was in the lead, Artem following, a dark, self-absorbed look on his young face. The man looked determined and... ugly somehow, in the expression on his face. Lingen... the name came to her from Anara's memories, transmitted through their link. He was Tulk's friend, from his childhood. She felt how Anara loathed him, and knew well that she had more than enough reason to feel that way.

Tresit had been right. These two were definitely looking for her and her family... and, from this close, Kes could sense their emotions, even without trying to, enough to know that they couldn't mean them anything good. She closed her eyes and thought, blocking out Anara even more, though she didn't like to do it. She needed clarity though... She had to confront them, she realized. There were just two. She could deal with two, especially if she could surprise them. Running and leading them away was too much of a risk. This was her best choice, even if it was one she didn't at all want to have to make.

She let Anara in again then, asked her for strength to help her do this. Anara's feelings of belief and support and love flushed through her and Kes felt better, more centered. She knew Anara was still afraid for her, very afraid, but she could feel Anara fighting back those feelings on her behalf, and... it helped. It helped a lot, in fact.

While she'd been thinking this though, Artem and Lingen had gotten farther away from her, so Kes crept along after them, getting as close to them as she could. The closer she was, the more effective her abilities would be, she knew. She had to give herself the best chance she could, she kept that thought as her central anchor. It was quiet out here though, just the sounds of the two males' footfalls and the far off sounds of mining. Without the faint noise of the mining, Kes was sure they would have heard her by now, even as quiet as she was being, so she was grateful for that, at least.

As she got closer though, Lingen stopped and looked around sharply - he'd heard her, Kes knew it. She dashed out of hiding behind them to get closer and struck out at them just as Lingen's eyes met her own. She pushed into both of their minds hard, with as much force as she could, blunting them, forcing them to still and go blank. Artem was caught completely off guard, and his fear of her from when she'd attacked him last worked in her favor - he went down quickly. Lingen had had enough warning this time though, and he fought her, his stubborn will making it more of a struggle. Thankfully, not much of one in the end though. He fell limp to the sand before her and Kes breathed a sigh of relief. She was getting better at doing this, she realized... she didn't completely feel good about that though, and the effort still left her feeling somewhat light-headed, her own thoughts having blunted themselves some too, even as she'd focused on doing it to those she'd just attacked.

She closed her eyes and focused, clearing her thoughts and sensing out the two unconscious males before her, making sure they were both completely subdued before she cautiously crept forwards, still holding her knifes just to be safe.

She disarmed Artem quickly, then knelt down by Lingen's side, disarming him next and taking off his over-shirt. She tugged the material hard between her hands to test its strength, before using her knife to cut the sleeves off and using them to bind his wrists and ankles. She tied the knots tight and secure, then went to repeat the process with Artem, binding him just as securely.

That done, she went to Artem and put her hand to his forehead. It was easier to enter his mind with physical touch. She closed her eyes and dove... She saw his memories as from far away at first. She saw her son over Tulk's body as Artem had come into the room, felt Artem's fury... felt a son's blind love for his father, even one as distant as Tulk often had been with him. She saw his battle with Tresit, felt the remembered pain of what Kes herself had done to him and shivered as the sensation went through her. She hadn't had a choice she told herself again, and then repeated it to herself another time for good measure, forcing herself to see past it to what had come next for Artem. She saw Lingen then. Her nephew's father's childhood friend. Someone he respected and looked up to.

She saw him there, shaking Artem awake, saw Artem's mother, Miteza, giving him water and a tonic to help him heal. Lingen had dismissed his mother then, and he and Artem had talked. Lingen had told him they were both disgraced now. By day's end, he said, the story would be all around the city. They had to redeem themselves, if they wanted a future worth having. He'd told him, basically, just what Anara had already told her - that he and his family would have poor prospects and probably a bleak future unless something changed. He'd offered to take Artem and his family in if he'd help. Under the circumstances, he was the only one Lingen _could_ ask for help, and not be seen as weak for doing so. He'd take in Miteza as a hired servant, at least until she was able to find a husband, and claim him and his siblings as his own children too. As Tulk's friend, he had the right to if he wished. If Miteza found a husband, the man she married would have cause to take her children as his own then; though only if he wanted to. If he didn't, Lingen promised he would still stay true to his word.

Kes could tell, Artem was less than completely sure how far he could trust Lingen's word, but, in the end... she could tell too, Artem hadn't cared about any of that nearly as much as he had about the chance to finish his fight with Tresit, to the death. Tresit had been right, his cousin wanted his death very badly... In his mind, Artem had given Tresit the role of a villain, a betrayer who'd shunned his father once and betrayed his family in the worst way now. She could tell too, he blamed Tresit for more than that as well - he blamed him, if only on an unconscious level, for things that couldn't possibly be her son's fault. She shivered a little again at those feelings she felt from him. She left his mind as sat back on her knees beside him, taking her hand from his forehead and sighing, looking off into the sky and wondering just what she was going to do now.

-...You have to kill them, zaraya.- Anara's voice came to her. -...There is no other way.-

Kes looked at the sky a moment longer, not replying, not really thinking either. Then she looked down at Artem... just looked at him for several long moments, her thoughts still strangely quiet. She closed her eyes and reached desperately to think of something else she could do. They were going to leave soon, she realized - she could... Could she keep them captive until then? Artem, yes, she considered. Between herself and Tresit, they might get him back to the house. She'd do that. She was not going to kill a child - and he was a child, older than her, yes (though he didn't look it), older than Tresit too, but she'd seen his mind. He still _thought_ like a child. He was hurt, he loved his father. Artem... wasn't a kind person, not like Tresit was, but neither was he the kind of monster his father had been, nor the kind Lingen was.

Artem wanted to be a strong man when he grew up, to have a wife, a family, to achieve things. He wasn't kind, he wasn't even good, Kes considered, but... he also wasn't cruel. And that... that was enough, Kes found. Enough that she couldn't even consider doing what Anara had said. Not unless there was no other way. There was another way, and she was so very, very grateful for that. She opened her eyes then and looked to Lingen... a final sort of certain sadness coming over her as she did.

He was a big man. A solid mass of muscle and hard edges that she and Tresit could never hope to carry even half the distance they'd need to carry him. The sheer physical power this man looked to have, Kes had more than a few doubts the shirt sleeves would hold once he woke up. And he would wake up - at some point, he would wake up. Memories of this man as a boy came over her then, of him and Tulk kicking and beating Anara, laughing at her as they did... That look on his face. Her thoughts went white and she got up and went over to him. She touched his face and felt his mind, and she saw him... Anara had been right - he and another, Yanjik, had helped Tulk assassinate Anara's husband and brother out of petty jealousy and contempt and old rivalries and hates from childhood that had never died... and she saw what Lingen had done to Anara through his own eyes, what he'd wanted to do to her... She saw the things done to his own wife too... the things he would do to her again if he ever came home to her and before Kes could really think through what she was going to do, she'd sunk the knife deep into his throat. He made a few soft, gurgling sounds, but he never woke, he just faded away and... and then he was dead and she'd killed him.

She closed her eyes and felt the tears fall. They'd already been falling, she realized. She looked up then and saw Tresit standing there before her. Their eyes met. He didn't say anything. Kes looked down at Lingen again. "I had to..." She said softly, more to herself than to Tresit.

He came over to her and sat down next to her. "I know this man." Tresit told her. "You have nothing to regret. What you did was just."

Kes just looked at him. What Tresit had said might be true... It was true, she knew very well that it was... She did regret it though. It wasn't just. It would never be. It had been necessary though, and so she knew... it was simply something she would have to live with. "We're taking Artem home." She told him. "And... and we have to bury Lingen... so he won't be found."

"...He will try to kill us." Tresit spoke, looking at Artem with sadness and regret of his own.

"I know." Kes replied simply. "He won't be able to. And, in a few days, we'll be gone. I'll put him to sleep again then and let him go. We'll cover our tracks."

"...It isn't wise." He told her, and Kes could tell he was hoping she wouldn't let him win this particular argument.

"It's what we're doing." She told him simply, looking over and meeting his eyes.

He smiled just a little to her then. "You're right, it is." He agreed finally, looking over at his cousin and looking as if a terrible burden had been lifted from his shoulders.

For her part, Kes wished she could feel that way.

She just had to hold on to her connection with her wife and tell herself again that she'd done what she'd had to.

It helped. Some.

* * *

to be continued

and I'm always happy to get comments (even really short ones)


	26. The Debts of Family (3)

Kes wiped the sweat from her forehead as she sat down against a rock in the shade and looked at the empty looking expanse of sand before her. -A person used to be there...- She thought to herself, knowing Anara could hear her. Her wife was silent though, simply sending her feelings of love and support. Kes fairly wrapped herself in those feelings and closed her eyes.

They'd just finished burying him, right next to where she'd killed him. They couldn't afford to waste energy and perspiration moving him. Tresit was sitting next to Artem, looking off into the desert, lost in thought. Kes took a few deep breaths and then stood, going over to him. "We have to get going." She told him. The longer they stayed out here, the more of their strength that time and the sun would steal. They had some water with them, Tresit was carrying it in the canteen. Artem and Lingen had had supplies on them too that they'd been able to appropriate, some dried food and two canteens... a lot more than she and Tresit had had available to bring with them. Still, it would be exhausting work, dragging Artem all the way home. It would leave her and Tresit depleted, and possibly with not enough supplies left to really let them rest long enough to fully recover.

They might end up having to camp overnight in the desert if they couldn't make good enough time with the extra weight. As dark as it got, there was no traveling at night out here. She'd left her flashlight back at the house. She hadn't thought she'd need it and, as a rule, it didn't pay to carry extra weight that you didn't essentially need. It cost energy and slowed you down if you needed to run - perhaps only a little, but that little could easily be the difference between escape or capture, even death.

While they slept, it was even possible Artem might wake and somehow get free and kill them in their sleep. She supposed he might see that as fitting, given how his father had been killed... At the house, they could bind him more securely. Kes had the rope she'd used for climbing - it was made with a metallic alloy core and it was more than strong enough to make sure Artem couldn't get out of it, even if he could somehow get ahold of a knife.

But still... Tresit was right. Anara was right. Considering everything, it was much less of a risk to just kill him. She'd already killed once... She felt sick thinking about doing it again, and to someone who deserved it far less. She couldn't do it. She wouldn't.

She sat down beside Tresit. "Help me move him over into the shade?" Kes asked him.

Tresit looked to her, nodded once in agreement, and the two of them dragged Artem over. Kes considered her options as they did. There was one other choice she had... she didn't like it at all, but she knew it was probably the only one she could reasonably make under the circumstances.

Once they were in the shade, she looked to Tresit and met his eyes. His eyes told her that he was going to follow her, whatever she chose to do. She closed her eyes a moment and tried to center herself, then opened them again. "I'm going to wake him up." She told Tresit softly. "He has to walk on his own, it's too much of a chance any other way."

Tresit held her gaze and then looked down at his cousin. "He'll try to fight us." Was all he said.

"I know. We'll... have to gag him, to keep him from calling out. And I'll... I'll have to threaten him to get him to do what we want. I don't want to, but... he's already scared of me, from what I... what I did to him before..." Kes finished quietly. "We've got to try this anyway... if it doesn't work, I can put him to sleep again."

Tresit nodded that he would go along with her plan. "...If we do this, I shouldn't talk to him, or look at him." He told her. "...He wouldn't react well."

Kes held his eyes a moment, then nodded that she agreed and went over to Artem and used her knife to cut another length of cloth from his shirt, using it as a gag once she was done. She looked at what she'd just done and thought of what she was about to do and tried very hard to keep the contents of her stomach down... This was the cost though. If she wanted to keep Artem alive, this was the cost. In life, she'd come to learn, everything had a cost. The Caretaker's gifts had a cost. Her love for Tae had had a cost. She'd learned the cost of her friendships when she'd left them behind. She'd learned the cost of reckless trust when she'd first come to the Kazon city. She'd seen the cost of freedom when she'd burned the man who'd tried to rape her's mind. The cost of life for Anara and her children had been theft. The cost of saving Tresit... she'd paid that too. The cost of protecting her family... that had been a man's death. Everything she did had a cost. She could only hope that, once this was over, once she got her family to safety, that she would be done paying the worst of them.

Because, as much as it was true that everything had a cost... she had to believe also, that everything must also have a benefit too. Survival, freedom, friends, family... and love. The costs for those things didn't always have to be high, but, even though they were for her now, Kes still believed that the costs had to be worth paying. Whether or not that was completely true or not though... it was also obviously true that the cost of not making the choices she'd made would have been worse... so very much worse.

She brought her hand to Artem's forehead and slowly brought him back to waking. When his eyes finally fluttered open and met hers, Kes saw first confusion, then fear, then anger flash before her. He struggled and Kes shook his mind, disrupted his thoughts to get his attention. The fear was back now, and though Kes felt herself shaking inside too, she did not let that show through to Artem. "I can just as easily kill you as keep you alive." Kes told him softly. "It would be easier for me, for my family, if I did kill you." She lied. In fact it wouldn't be easier for her, she doubted even if it would really be easier for Anara or Tresit either, or, in the end, for Lanam who depended upon them all. "By marriage, I'm your family now too... by marriage, Tresit is my son."

Kes felt his surprise and his disdain and she was tempted to shake his mind again to get him to stop sending out such ugly feelings, but she stopped herself from doing it. "I can't let you go free, not until my family is safe. So I need you to walk. If you don't walk, if you try to attack either of us, I will burn your mind again. And, if you still will not walk... I will put a knife in your throat, just as I did with Lingen." She told him, trying to make her voice firm and her eyes hard so that he would believe. If he believed, then he wouldn't challenge her lies - if he believed, then he would walk. "Nod your head if you agree." She told him.

She felt near hopelessness settle in over him. He fought it though, telling himself that he would bide his time and find an opening, then take his revenge. Kes let out a breath. None of this was what she wanted in any way. She wished she could just tell Artem the truth and ask him, plead with him if she needed to, to forgive her son... but she could tell from having been in his mind that it wouldn't work, that he'd see her asking for something like that as most Kazon males would... as a weakness.

So she held her knife to his throat and asked Tresit to unbind his cousin's legs. Tresit did so silently. True to his word, he wasn't speaking or looking at Artem at all. She could since Artem's small amount of satisfaction at that. Tresit was disgracing himself, she only just now realized... In Artem's eyes, that's what he was doing. He was doing it to give his cousin the best chance he had - to give that to all of them, in fact. In that moment, Kes found herself feeling just... very proud of him.

Kes held the knife to Artem's throat long enough for Tresit to get clear of him, then backed away herself, letting her nephew stand.

From there, Tresit walked ahead, leading the way for them, while Kes stayed behind... a silent threat that Artem couldn't see. If he couldn't see her, she knew, it would be more frightening to him than if he could. Besides, she didn't think she'd be able to keep up her pretense of threat and 'strength' all the way back home anyway. She felt a headache coming on as it was from what she'd made herself say and do. All the way home, she fought against those feelings, trying to soothe her troubled thoughts and drawing on Anara's presence in her mind for comfort. It helped, it worked, but only so much.

The march back was a silent thing. Tresit didn't speak and Artem couldn't through his gag - thankfully, he wasn't giving them any trouble either, and Kes felt it wise not to disrupt the grudging silent accord between them and risk changing that.

When they got back to the house, Lanam and Anara came out to greet them, Tresit going to hug his sister hello. Kes sensed Artem's anger well up inside him so that it was almost hate and Kes, fearing what he might try to do with her family so near, reached her hand forward to clutch his head and put him to sleep again, catching him as he fell and lowering him to the ground. As she looked down at him, unconscious, she couldn't hold it in any longer, she started to cry and felt like she was helpless to stop. Anara was by her side then and Kes let Artem slide from her lap to the sand as Anara held her and Kes cried on her shoulder and held her in return, just absurdly grateful to be home, to feel Arana's touch, her scent, and her solid warmth against her.

Their mental bond was an amazing thing, but Kes realized now just how much real physical touch mattered. She'd known it before, but now she felt she knew it in an even deeper way that would always live inside her.

Kes heard Lanam asking her brother what was wrong and sounding like she might start crying too though, so Kes had to force herself towards composure again. She wiped her tears away and got up to sitting in time to give her daughter a long hug as she came over to them and to tell her that everything would be alright.

* * *

to be continued

and I'm always happy to get comments (even really short ones)


	27. The Debts of Family (4)

"He wants to kill you?" Lanam asked her brother as Kes worked diligently to tie Artem up securely with her climbing rope. Lanam was in Anara's lap on her and her wife's bed, Tresit sitting on the edge of his and Lanam's bed facing them as they talked.

"He does... He has a good reason for it though..." Tresit explained. "I killed his father. Anyone would feel the same in his place..."

"But... uncle Tulk was bad, wasn't he?" Lanam asked.

"He was. He left us to die, and mother thinks he also killed father and uncle Ralka... I suppose that we'll never know beyond doubt if he truly was guilty of it or not though..." Tresit trailed off, a certain sort of resignation clear in his voice.

"He was though..." Kes told them, turning away from Artem as she finished what she'd had to do. Tresit met her eyes in surprise, but didn't say anything. She got up and went over to him and sat next to him, and he turned to keep eye contact with her. Anara already knew what she was about to tell him of course, and she could feel her wife's conflicted feelings about the whole matter. She hadn't really processed it all yet, Kes could tell. She could understand that easily of course, she knew she'd need time to deal with all of this too. "I saw it in Lingen's mind before I took his life..." She told him softly. "He and Tulk and a man named Yanjik, they were guilty... of killing your father and uncle, and of, of other things too..."

She saw relief and sadness wash over Tresit's face both at the news. He didn't speak though, he just looked over at Anara and Lanam a long moment before dropping his gaze to the floor.

"So... if he was bad, then we can just tell cousin Artem about that, and he won't want to kill Tresit anymore?" Lanam asked hopefully in a small sounding voice. Kes could tell she wasn't quite sure whether to believe her own words or not though. "Or, is cousin Artem bad also?" She asked, sounding like she didn't want any of this to be true at all. Kes knew the feeling, all too well by this point.

"...I don't think he is." Kes answered her softly. "I've seen what's in his heart... he's not a bad person. He isn't really a good person either. He's not cruel or kind, he just wants to get by... and he's hurt and angry, and he wants to prove something to himself... He loved his father, but isn't sure that his father loved him or if he was proud of him or not and that makes it even worse for him in a way, because now he'll never know."

"...We could love him though. If he promises not to kill Tresit or be mad at him anymore, we could..." Lanam ventured softly, hugging herself to Anara and closing her eyes.

Kes could sense it, her daughter was scared of Artem. Scared that he'd wake up and hurt them. She just couldn't say it because she was worried that if she said it, then it might really happen. A part of the little girl maybe even wished her cousin was dead too, because she was so scared of the idea that he wanted to take her brother from her... Kes could tell that too. She couldn't really help but tell those things.

The longer she spent with her family, the easier those things came to her. More for Lanam than for Tresit. Lanam was so open with her feelings, Kes had gotten so she picked up on them without actually trying at all. She had to actively try not to sometimes, but it was hard to be vigilant about it, especially when she was tired. Tresit was different - he was more closed off and hid his feelings more, so she didn't pick up nearly as much from him. She supposed it was probably also that she was using her abilities all the time now, to stay connected with her wife. She could feel how much stronger they were from such continued use. She liked how it felt... even though it also worried her somehow too, to a small but not insignificant extent.

"We're safe from him." Anara told their daughter. "Kes tied the rope tight. He can't hurt us."

Tresit got up and spoke. "I'm... going to meditate now." He said, turning and looking at the sleeping Artem a moment before walking outside.

"Brother." Lanam said after him too softly for Tresit to have heard, sympathy, forlorn longing, and a desire to comfort him in her small voice.

Kes got up and went over to her wife and their daughter and held them close, she and Anara both sending comforting feelings to Lanam just a little to help her feel safe and loved. "Everything will be alright." She told Lanam softly, and she could tell Anara was glad to hear the words too.

* * *

to be continued

and I'm always happy to get comments (even really short ones)


	28. The Debts of Family (5)

Kes spent the next hour or so taking turns telling stories to Lanam to keep her entertained while Tresit was outside meditating. The sun had almost set, and Kes knew it would be time for the day's last meal soon. Anara finished her latest story and Lanam yawned and said she liked the story, looking like she might fall off to sleep soon.

Kes nudged her a little. "Hey, you don't want to fall asleep already, do you?" She asked playfully. "We haven't eaten yet."

Lanam opened her eyes and cutely yawed a little again. "Oh." She said softly. "I almost forgot."

Anara giggled just a little and Kes smiled to her wife, loving the sound of her laugh. She thought to herself just how much better that sound had the power to make her feel... about everything, really. It was actually an amazing phenomenon to her, one she was very grateful for. "I'll go get things ready. Can you go find your brother for me, asasha?" Kes asked Lanam gently.

Lanam smiled and perked up. "Of course." She said happily, getting up from Anara's lap, climbing down off the cot, and going to find Tresit.

Kes sighed happily as she watched after her, having known how much Lanam liked to be helpful. Anara's arms wrapped around her waist and her wife snuggled up behind her, leaning her head against Kes's. -You're so prefect with them, and with me...- She told her softly.

Kes smiled a little to herself. -It doesn't feel that way to me sometimes...- She confessed.

-I know... It's why I feel the need to tell you so on occasion.- Anara told her, kissing her lightly and lingeringly below her ear.

Kes felt a wave of sensation travel through her at that, the location a particularly sensitive one for her. Her eyes fluttered closed a moment and she felt warmth encircle her heart and looked forward to later when she would be able to snuggle in close with her wife under their blankets and, hopefully, make love again. She felt like she really needed that. She sighed again though. -If I'm perfect that way, then you are too... very, very much so...- She told her as she gently extracted herself from Anara, capturing her wife's lips in a brief but longing kiss and then offering her a fond smile, which Anara returned, before Kes got up and went to get their evening meal ready.

As she knelt down by their supplies, Tresit and Lanam came back inside and she smiled over to her son who hesitantly smiled back a little. He looked a little haunted still, but more at peace, and, Kes realized, that's probably how she herself was feeling in general too.

She started setting things out and her family gathered around like they usually did to eat. Kes noticed, of course, that their supplies were getting dangerously low. Artem and Lingen's supplies had helped matters some, but there still wasn't as much food and water to go around as Kes would like to be able to provide. They'd have to go out again tomorrow. That meant leaving Artem here with Anara and Lanam...

She looked over at Artem then as she finished passing out the food. He was blinking his eyes back to wakefulness. He was still gaged... Kes felt guilty about that, but she couldn't be sure he wouldn't yell for help at the top of his lungs if she took the gag away. It wasn't likely that anyone would hear him, but, if the wind were right, she couldn't say for completely certain that they wouldn't. Would anyone come looking for Lingen or Artem? Was it possible that they might be looking even now? She knew from Lingen's mind that Yanjik had a position aboard one of the Kazon's battle ships that traveled between the stars out there somewhere beyond the sky, but would anyone else care enough to miss them and go searching? She didn't know, and Anara couldn't guess for sure either way either. It depended on how well-liked Tulk and Lingen had been.

From Anara's memories of him, Kes knew that Tulk was... a manipulative sort of person, but also he didn't trust very much either and kept his friends close. Lingen, for his part, had liked to drink, fight, and make noise. He'd made enemies that way, he would have had to, but might he also not have made friends? The kind of friends that would come out looking to avenge him if only for an excuse to slate a habit for violence that was a match for Lingen's own? There was no way to know. Maybe she should have gone looking more around Lingen's mind, she considered... but she hadn't exactly been thinking clearly when she'd had the opportunity. The memory of sliding that knife into his throat came back to the fore of her mind again, and the sound he'd made... Tresit had been right... the sound was one of the worst things. She closed her eyes and looked back to Artem, meeting his eyes. He looked weary and scared. Not angry anymore. He looked young. She sighed. She couldn't do this. She couldn't keep that gang on him anymore. Not if she didn't absolutely have to.

She got up and went over to him. She could sense her family's attention on her, and feel Anara with her, supporting her choice.

Kes knelt down next to her nephew and met his eyes again. "I'm sorry, for all of this. I wish things could be different..." She reached out and touched his head. He flinched away at first. "I won't hurt you." She told him, and he stopped resisting. -I want to let you speak, at least...- She spoke to him, mind to mind. -Will you give me your promise not to call out if I take away the gag?-

-...I promise, on my father's memory.- He told her, looking at her with fear and wonder. -How can you do all these things? Are... Are you a goddess of some kind? Does the desert belong to you?- She could tell he was thinking of Harasail, the Kazon goddess of the sky, wondering if Kes were she, or if she could be a daughter of Razal, the Kazon god or stone, or if she could even be a goddess of this dead planet, of Ocampa, that his people had somehow offended with their presence here. He'd liked to read the old legends of his people, Kes picked up from his mind. He'd always thought they were only stories, things to take his mind off of everyday life for a while. Now, he was wondering how many of those stories might be true.

She smiled to him softly though, recognizing from his thoughts that, worries about her possible divinity or not, she could almost certainly trust him to keep his word. He had his pride, and he wouldn't easily betray it by breaking a vow. -I'm not.- She told him as she untied the cloth from around his head. "There, that's a little better, isn't it?" She asked hopefully out loud.

"...Thank you." He told her, looking over to Anara and Lanam. "I remember you." She told them both.

"...I remember you too." Anara told him, looking at him through Kes's eyes a moment. She and Anara had become so practiced at that that Anara could now access Kes's sight without either of them really having to think about it much. It was a good feeling for Kes somehow, she liked being able to offer that to the one she loved, and she liked any intimacy she could share with her as well. "I remember I held you once, shortly after you were born."

Artem looked at her and shook his head before looking towards Tresit who wouldn't meet his eyes. Artem laughed just a little. "You _should_ be ashamed. You're a coward, Tresit. If you weren't, you would have fought me fairly and taken the consequences."

Tresit turned on him and met his eyes with hardness then. "Enough." He told him. "Your father was a murder and worse. What I did was just." He told him defiantly.

Kes could sense doubt cross Artem's mind. "I don't believe you." He told him, his eyes becoming as hard as Tresit's.

"My brother isn't a liar!" Lanam told him, coming to her brother's defense.

"...She's right, he isn't." Anara told her nephew. "Tulk killed my husband, and his own brother."

Artem shook his head and was silent. Kes could tell he didn't want to believe it. "I can show you the truth. I saw it in Lingen's mind." Kes offered softly.

"Before you murdered him as well." Artem accused.

"If I show you what I saw in his mind, I don't think you'll be able to blame me for that either..." Kes told him in a small voice, not sure how much that was actually true. She knew she'd done what she'd needed to, she just... wished very badly there had been some other way.

He met Kes's eyes squarely then, and Kes could see the fear of her he still had. He looked away then. "Fine. Show me." He agreed quietly.

Kes touched his face, tangling her fingers in his hair a little, closing her eyes and showing him Lingen. She felt the shock rattle and thrash through him as he processed the things Kes was showing him. Kes wasn't at all sure she was doing something that was right. She knew it wasn't kind of her, that she knew... but she felt he had a right to know. And she felt, if he did know, then he wouldn't want to kill her son, and, she knew, that might be the biggest reason she was doing this. She felt him still as the memories and impressions seemed to swallow his sense of time and place and carry his mind along with them.

When she was done, she kept going though... she showed him Tresit, all the times they'd talked, all the kindness and bravery he'd showed for his family. The doubts and self-recrimination he'd expressed to her too. And she showed him Lanam, and showed him Anara telling stories to her children, singing songs with them. All that... All that at least she could say was a kind thing for her to do for him, if perhaps still a selfish one on her part.

When she was done, she let him go gently, trying not to jar him too much. As soon as she took her hand away though, he fell off unconscious. She could tell he was alright though, that it had just been too much for him and that he'd need to rest for a while and let his mind catch up with him.

"Is he alright?" Tresit asked a little hesitantly.

Kes turned to meet his eyes. "He will be, he just needs to rest a while..." She told him softly.

From there, Kes and her family had a largely quiet meal together, Kes leaning on Anara a little for comfort.

When the meal was over, Tresit guided his sister to their cot and Kes and Anara followed, singing a song with their children before sleep. Songs always seemed to cheer Lanam up especially. When the song was done, Kes stood and offered her hand to Anara who took it and stood too. Kes turned to look over in Artem's direction to check on him and she saw his eyes were open. Their eyes met then and neither of them spoke for a long moment. Anara either, who sensed what was happening through the link Kes shared with her.

Anara brought her hand to Kes's lower back. "Go to him." She told her softly.

Kes turned to her and touched her face briefly and sent warm thoughts to her before turning and going over to their nephew. She sat down in front of him. "How are you feeling?" She asked softly.

"...Different." He said quietly, looking away from her eyes.

"Different how?" Kes pressed him gently.

He met her eyes again. "I believe you, if that's what you want to know." Her looked off towards Tresit who was watching them both with apparent mixed emotions. "You're safe from me, cousin." He told him. "You all are." He finished quietly, looking towards Kes, meeting her eyes. "Do you believe me?" He asked her.

"I..." Kes trailed off. She wanted to, but could she take the chance?

"...Look in my head again if you want too. The gods know, you have often enough by now." He told her, almost daring her to call him a liar.

Kes didn't. She just reached out her hand and entered his mind again, searching his heart... She found him conflicted and dealing with feelings and memories that weren't his own. She could tell though, seeing what she'd shown him of her family _had_ changed him. She supposed it would have to. You couldn't see the world through someone else's eyes and not be changed by it, she knew that very well from extensive personal experience by this point. How changed was she herself from her many joinings with Anara? More than she could ever truly know, she had little doubt...

The dark thoughts were there too, from what she'd shown him of Lingen. She could sense Artem's deep and growing revulsion at the things he'd seen of a man he once had looked on as a role model in life. Lingen had seemed to him to be a fierce man, brave and strong. A man to be emulated, a man like his father...

Her nephew was lost, but, Kes could tell for sure now that he didn't have any more hate in him for Tresit. He'd forgiven him.

Kes took her hand away and met his eyes. "I believe you too." She told him. He didn't smile or answer or anything, he just looked away.

Kes looked back towards Tresit. She didn't need to ask Anara, she already knew her wife agreed with her. They'd arrived at the decision at almost the same time, in fact. "I'm going to release him." Kes told her son.

Tresit opened his mouth, but then closed it again and nodded.

Lanam looked worried. "Do you promise?" She asked her cousin softly from across the room. "Blood and bones, do you promise not to hurt Tresit?"

That seemed to get Artem's attention and he looked over at the young blind girl who was his cousin and Kes could see some of Tresit's caring for her in his eyes. "I... I promise, Lanam... My sacred oath, upon my blood and bones, forever, I swear, I'll never... I'll never hurt you, your... mothers, or your brother." He spoke, looking to Tresit then. "Not on purpose. Not unless it's in self-defense."

Lanam looked relieved. "That's um, that's fair I guess. I... I accept your word then." She told him shyly.

Kes moved to untie him then.

From there it was a mostly silent thing, readying for bed. Kes offered Artem the travel bedding from her pack and they bedded down for the night. Kes had lost the immediacy of her desire to make love with her wife by that point, tired as she was with her thoughts troubled more than they ever had been. With that and the new presence in their house, she was more than content to just hold Anara and be held, talking silently with her through their mental bond.

-You know your actions were the best that could rightfully be expected of anyone, don't you?- Anara asked her. -Better than I might have thought anyone capable of before having met you, in fact...-

-You really think so?- Kes asked back, already knowing that Anara did.

-...The way you see... To you, life, everything... it's beautiful, and beyond any price. That it brings you sorrow now, I'm sorry for... but I'll... I'll always be here, I'll always be yours. I want to give you comfort, I want to take away the things that trouble you. I'll do anything you need, anything you ask...- Anara told her.

-...Just having you with me, being in love with you... It might take some time, but I know I'll heal from this... and I know that will be because of you. I believe that. I believe in us... enough to know that anything I had to do... it was worth it, what I did... I hate it, but it was, and I'd do it again if I had to.- Kes told her, kissing the skin of her neck and letting her mind sink deeper into the bond she had with Anara. It was what they both wanted, Kes couldn't mistake that even if she tried.

Anara gasped softly, and so did Kes, both of them felt warmth flushing through their bodies and minds. Words seemed to just melt away... They'd never gone quite this deep before when they weren't making love. In a real way, this was a harder thing for both of them than that. The physical pleasure had always blunted their conscious presence to some extent or another... This... This was just... raw... sharp, clear... almost terrifying.

Neither could bring themselves to stop though, they just let the falling happen until sleep took them away.

The next thing Kes really knew, she was in a field of green on a planet that was, to her, an impossible distance away... yet one as close as the woman who stood next to her and held her hand. Kes turned and met her eyes and smiled.

"This is Juranjos... the planet where I was born." Anara told her softly.

"The fields outside of Bayzan." Kes spoke. Bayzan was the colony city where Anara's family had lived, Kes could almost remember it as though it were her own memory too. Juranjos had been a Trabe colony, one of many annexed by the Kazon after they overthrew their captors. A lush, beautiful world, full of green. Her father's duties had taken him away from here, and, at one point, Anara, her brothers, and mother too.

"I've always treasured the memory of this place." Anara told her.

"...I always will too, I promise." Kes told her softly, touching her cheek and moving in for a gentle kiss.

When the kiss broke and Kes blinked her eyes open again, meeting Anara's happy regard, she smiled and felt lighter all over, the worries and troubles of the waking world feeling far away and of little importance at all.

"My heart, my soul... always for you." Kes told her wife.

"Always..." Anara repeated, moving closer.

They stood there for a time, and then, in course, went for a walk together through the field, down to the river that was a few kilometers away.

It was a long walk, but they had the time, and Kes could truly think of nowhere else she'd rather be... certainly no one else she would rather be with.

* * *

to be continued

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	29. Harmony and Miracles (1)

Kes and Anara woke the next morning, and it was the most unexpected and baffling feeling she'd ever known. They woke both at once, slow and unhurried, and Kes could feel Anara's arms around her and hers around Anara as if they were almost one person... or, not one person, but two people both in two bodies at once. It should have felt very confusing for her, but it was surprising just how much it wasn't confusing.

They both smiled and snuggled closer and luxuriated in the feeling, in the warmth of touch and the familiar presence of one another... their scents, the contours of their bodies, the feel of skin, the rhythm of their hearts beating in time to one another. It felt like a miracle - something that anyone with any good sense at all would know better than to question.

They moved together and kissed and let go of any lingering sense of confusion, just wanting to feel the joy inside that this new closeness brought out in both of them. As they kissed though, slowly, their senses brought the world around them back to their awareness.

They were alone in the house, they realized. Artem and their children outside in the morning sun. Tresit and Artem sparring with each other, Lanam sitting and asking Artem about his family while they did. Artem was telling her harmless everyday stories. The sparring wasn't serious enough that there would be any cause to worry. They had the house to themselves.

Anara backed away, getting up and looking down at Kes beneath her... looked down at her... with eyes that saw... saw clearly. Anara stared and was caught in a sense of shock strong enough to partially break the spell of their deep joining to enough of an extent that they both came back to having two separate perspectives again, instead of both sharing the other's. "How can it..." Even more of a miracle than they'd thought, apparently. Anara sat back, straddling Kes and looking down at her face and bare chest. A little of an appreciative smile started to come to her lips as she took in Kes's breasts and remembered clearly what it was like to have her lips about the nipples in the centers of them. Kes could still hear her wife's thoughts as clearly as she could her own and she smiled, feeling flattered and good about herself at the desire Anara felt for her. -I've never seen them before- Anara said, thoughts to thoughts.

Kes looked up at Anara's chest and swallowed, feeling Anara's desire so easily become her own as well, and it made all her other thoughts go away. Kes sat up with her wife in her lap, taking her in her arms and kissing her long minutes that seemed timeless... skin on skin, two minds in two bodies all at once in a way Kes had no words at all for. One of Kes's hands in Anara's long, curly dark red hair... thoughts of how her hair shone in the sun, how warm it felt sun-warmed when Kes had ran her hands though it then... memory and present reality feeling like they occupied the same moment. Then her hand came to her wife's cheek and her fingers slipped up to her ear, her thumb tracing the top ridge of it and she stilled and their kiss slowed as confusion and disorientation took hold. Her ears, she blinked, they blinked, they met gazes again and realized what was going on, working together to work out and untangle two sets of sensory feedback. Breathing relaxed and the disorientation went away steadily. They'd never had two sets of working eyes before, never been so deeply connected before in the waking world. It had made them both lose track of who they were and which body belonged to whom. Kes had touched her own ears through Anara's body and felt like they'd belonged to Anara. It had startled both of them enough to destabilize the harmony they'd had between them.

"That wasn't too pleasant, was it?" Kes spoke. Smiling a little.

"We just need to get used to this, that's all." Anara replied, not wanting to even entertain the idea of giving up any of the connection they shared. Kes could feel how sacred she held that feeling, how much she never wanted to be parted from her. To Anara, Kes could tell, what had grown between them was everything she ever could want in life, everything she'd never known to wish for... The idea that it could be taken away scared her. It... It scared Kes too, she realized. "...I can see you." Anara spoke, her voice full of awe and reverence and not-quite yet belief that it was true. She wondered if they were still dreaming somehow.

"We aren't, are we?" Kes wondered aloud. "Still dreaming?" She took a moment and checked her senses. "No, no, not dreaming."

Anara sighed in relief. "How... How have you done this, my zaraya? A miracle, you... you are a miracle..." She moved forward, tears in her eyes. "Thank you..." She told Kes, touching her face, moving to kiss her just softly, even reverently.

Kes didn't know how she'd, they'd, done what they had, but she could feel the relief and joy from her wife as if it were her own, and the belief in her, in them, now more fervently strong than ever. And she felt it not just as sensing it from Anara, but feeling it as though she were feeling those things too. Anara stilled, and Kes knew she was having the same experience from the opposite perspective, but... also nearly the same perception. They'd distanced for a while, but now they were harmonizing again. Neither of them had meant to, not meant to create distance, or to return to harmony. Not consciously as least. They both sort of stared into each other's eyes, transfixed by the sensations of it.

There was a loud grunt from outside and Anara shook her head and looked over across the room towards the noise, her mind and senses a little dazed, unaccustomed to such clear sight through her own eyes. Kes turned along with her wife, taking Anara in her arms and soothing her as she used her mental abilities to sense outward for what was going on outside. Something wasn't right. What was it?

Anara calmed in her arms and their minds reached harmony again, working in unison, sensing. It felt so right in the moment, as much as it felt baffling when the harmony was lost or disrupted. The feeling, in the waking world, was a dichotomy of comfort and mutual vulnerability.

A sense of the happenings outside took shape in their minds. Tresit and Artem... they were still sparring. It had gotten more intense, and Artem, especially, was working through a vague sense of frustration and unease he couldn't seem to shake. He wasn't so much angry at Tresit as at the circumstances of his life right now. Everything felt strange to him, and Kes and Anara could tell there was a certain... despair there. It was troubling, and they knew they would need to deal with that and help their nephew through his troubles over time. Still, the two boys were only very absorbed in what they were doing, and, though their thoughts were narrowly focused on what they were doing, they could tell that Tresit didn't mind the vigor of the exercise, that, in fact, it was exciting him. He was enjoying himself... No, the sparing itself, even Artem's disquiet, wasn't what they'd sensed that wasn't right, or not all of it at any rate.

They turned their senses towards Lanam, whose thoughts were unusually quiet and withdrawn. She was sitting there somewhere outside... close to the door to their house. She had her collection of stones and was making patterns distractedly and clearly trying not to pay attention to anything else. Her thoughts and feelings were so soft, but, as they paid attention, they realized their daughter was quietly troubled and miserable.

They parted and looked to one another. Without a word, they got out of bed and got dressed. -Please stop? ...For now at least. It's upsetting Lanam.- Kes spoke mind to mind to both her son and her nephew.

Tresit stopped immediately, ducking away from Artem and went to his sister, telling her he was sorry.

Anara bent down next to them and Kes went over to Artem, who was standing there looking confused. "What's happened?" He asked as Kes came over to him.

"She's never seen anyone fighting..." Kes told him softly. "She... didn't like the sounds, the way it made her feel. You both told her it was in play, but I think it's hard for her to really believe that... but I think she was afraid to say, and didn't know how to process what she was feeling, so she... shrunk away, inside herself. It was a soft, faint thing, but... Sometimes a thing is loudest when it's not spoken at all. We felt something was wrong... and... not only with her."

Artem looked at her. "With... me, you mean." He spoke, looking guarded. "Am I..." He sighed. "Am I always to have you poking about in my head then?" He didn't sound angry about it, but he clearly didn't like the idea of it exactly either.

Kes sighed. "I'm sorry." She told him. "If it makes you feel any better, I wasn't... poking, exactly. My mental abilities seem to just get stronger and stronger though, the more I'm with her..." She felt her gaze drifting like a magnet to Anara. "Before, I had to try to use them, now... Now it takes effort and attention not to use them." She looked back to Artem, but his eyes were on Anara, Tresit, and Lanam.

"I'd thought her sight was defective. You're... wife's, I mean." He spoke, clearly still having a little difficulty accommodating the idea or two women marrying. He didn't revile them for it, it simply didn't fit into the framework of what he thought life was and it confused him. He also didn't revile Anara for her 'defectiveness' either, he'd just stated it as a fact without judgement, so Kes didn't let herself feel offended, even though it had been her initial reaction.

"Please don't use that word." Kes asked him a little plaintively. "I know you didn't mean it that way, but it's a cruel word."

He looked at her then. "I... apologize then." He said, as though the words were foreign and tasted strange on his lips.

"Thank you. And... yes, she... She wasn't able to see things that were close up before. I'm not sure how, but I think I took that away from her last night while we slept, or, maybe we both did the healing, together. She... She called it a miracle." Kes said. They weren't in that harmony state right now, but Kes still felt like Anara was with her, intimately, as she said everything she was saying. She felt like that harmony was right there, and they could slip back into it whenever they wanted to. Kes found herself wishing again that she had someone who could explain all these things that kept emerging from inside her, someone who could guide her as she and Anara discovered what her mental abilities were capable of.

"That..." Artem shook his head. "I can tell you aren't deceiving me somehow, or, at the least, I believe I can... unless that's somehow a deception too, but... I don't know what to make of this. All of it. I... should hate you, hate him, or, I shouldn't, but I feel like... I should hate someone, that I haven't done right by my father somehow. I know what he's done... I..."

"You just don't want to believe it, do you?" Kes asked, their eyes meeting again.

"No, I don't." Artem admitted. "My father wasn't a kind man, but..." He sighed.

Kes smiled sympathetically to him. "Believe it or not, I do understand what that feels like, to not want to believe something, even though it's true." She thought of Tae, of Tresit killing his uncle, of herself... murdering Lingen... "I think... Things like this, they just take time... Maybe not to find peace with them, but, if not, at least to find... understanding, find acceptance. I think, in the end, it'll just be... a part of you."

"I understand..." Artem said, his gaze falling over to Lanam. "Maybe I even understand how she felt too." He admitted softly, looking at Kes as, Kes imagined, Lanam might have looked upon her brother and cousin sparing, if she were able to look upon them.

Kes closed her eyes moment and then looked off over towards the city, seeing the smoke from the mines in the sky, even this early in the morning. "Believe it or not, I think everyone, myself included, and even all the men in that city you were raised in, know just how that feels... Even though I doubt many of them would have been as brave as you've just been to admit it." She told him, meeting his eyes again with what understanding she could offer.

"I think it's time we had a morning meal, don't you asasha?" Anara was asking Lanam, and that feeling of being in two places at once became stronger again. Not the harmony, but closer to it. That sense seemed to vary, clam, appear, and recede like the air currents around them, and Kes couldn't exactly tell the whys.

Lanam smiled. "Can I help?" She asked Anara hopefully.

"You most definitely can." Anara smiled to their daughter.

"...Likely not." Artem admitted, a little distracted as he watched Anara pick up her daughter in her arms. "Will..." Anara's eyes met Artem's a moment, then caught Kes's. "Will you be able to heal her as well? Her eyes, I mean?" He asked, referring to Lanam.

"I..." Kes spoke and her and Anara's eyes held locked on each other. Neither of them had thought of it in these last brief moments since waking and discovering what had occurred while they'd slept, and Kes could feel the intense wave of hope that sprung up from Anara's heart at the thought what she, they, might be able to give that to their daughter. "I very much hope so." She answered honestly for both of them, the hope blooming in her too, though she still saw Lanam's blindness differently than her wife did. To her, it had never mattered even slightly. To her society, it would never have occurred to them to make an issue of it. Whereas, in Anara's society, it was... something that had been made a part of her wife's reality all her life. Feelings like that, they were, Kes had come to understand, not something that could simply be banished or easily altered... at least not completely.

Artem sighed as Kes took his hand and led him back towards the house with the others for breakfast. "For what it's worth, I hope so too." Artem spoke. Kes didn't mean to, but she picked up then that Artem still wasn't completely convinced she wasn't a goddess, or, if not a goddess, at least touched by the gods, or descended from one. Kes still hadn't really decided what she thought about the idea of deities, though she did find herself thinking about it every once in a while. She had nothing to truly base and informed theory on, true. Her own people revered the Caretaker, of course, but did that mean he was a deity to them? Kes didn't know for sure. There were similarities. She didn't seriously think Artem's thoughts about her had much chance of being true... though, she supposed it did actually fit the framework of Kazon beliefs. What if there actually were a kind of being like that, on that scale, that could make worlds, make peoples, as easily as... as falling to sleep one night with someone you loved and sharing a dream? Couldn't people, deities, like that have made her own people too? And couldn't they have perhaps bestowed different gifts upon them? Had her own people at one point broken faith with their creators as the Kazon legends said Anara's people did once? Was it even remotely possible that something like that could be the reason her world was a desert now? Yesterday... Yesterday she might have never thought such a thing... Today...? She had to admit to herself that she was secretly, at least partially, awestruck by some of the things she found herself able to do now, not least of which was the recovery of Anara's full range of sight.

In one way, it was amazing, and comforting, to know she could do such things. That she could use her abilities to help her loved ones to such fantastic extents. In another way though, it was daunting to think about... What harm could she do without even meaning to? The thought of that... That she might unintentionally harm Anara or their children... That was a terror that had only been growing in the back of her mind day by day. Anara knew those doubts, but had seemingly unshakable faith in her. That was a heady feeling, but one Kes was determined not to let herself take too much to heart. She had to be careful. Very careful... The trouble with that was, of course, was how was she to know what being careful truly was in regards to this? She had no way of know what the long-term effects of the mental bond she now shared with Anara would be. Given what had happened when she'd first tried severing it though, she was sure that she wasn't about to consider going backwards at this point. For one thing, she in no way wanted to, and for another, it seemed like it would be too much of a risk.

Maybe she really did just have to take it on faith as Anara was doing...?

* * *

to be continued

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	30. Harmony and Miracles (2)

While she'd been comforting Lanam, Anara had used Kes's mental abilities to tell Tresit not to tell Lanam about the return of her mother's sight just yet. Anara was getting more and more adept at doing that, actually. It had started with the sight sharing, and now that they'd shared themselves so completely, it seemed second nature to them both. Anara knew how to use them as well as Kes, and as long as they were physically close and their connection was open, Kes suspected her wife could use them as much as she herself could. As they went inside, Kes mentally asked Artem not to mention Anara's healing to Lanam yet either. She wasn't sure she agreed with it, but then Anara wasn't sure either. She supposed that was a parent's lot, to not be sure about much of anything but to try with all your heart anyway and hope your good intentions will make things turn out for the best, despite your fallibilities and insecurities.

As she and Artem filed inside after the others, Kes found her thoughts turning to the task ahead. Anara's returned sight gave them more options, an added advantage. Her mental abilities always felt stronger, more focused, when Anara was with her. She knew they could use all of the advantages they could manage, smuggling Miteza, Thalla, and Vastu from the city and raiding the houses there for enough supplies to get them all across the desert. If Anara came with her, she and Anara were realizing, that could make a big difference. Lanam couldn't, even were they able to give her sight as well. She was simply too young. So, her and Anara, and Artem to convince his mother to trust them. Tresit could be left to mind his sister, and she and Anara both agreed he could undoubtedly be trusted to not take any unneeded chances with her safety.

It was no small undertaking, and they knew... the death of Tulk, the disappearance of Lingen and Artem, coupled with her thefts and what she'd done to the man who'd tried to rape her when she'd escaped him... They'd be a fools to assume those things had gone unnoticed. The trouble was, neither she nor her wife had any real idea what sort of reaction, if any, might come. Guarding all the houses while the men of age went to work in the mines would be impractical, so Kes wasn't too worried about an ambush when stealing water and food. But it wouldn't be too far a leap to think that, if the leaders of the city did want to set some sort of ambush for them, they might well connect Kes to Miteza, which they could if Miteza or Thalla, or Lingen before his death for that matter, had told anyone about Vastu's true parentage and Tresit's threat to come back for him, and lie in wait at her home, keeping her, Thalla, and Vastu as hostages. She and Anara would be able to sense any ambush in advance of course, but would still be blocked from Miteza and her family, with no way but violence to get to them.

Kes was confident enough in her mental abilities now to know that she could be reasonably certain that she could prevail against at least one or two opponents with those abilities, probably more with Anara beside her, but she didn't know how much it would take for a larger number of Kazon to overwhelm her. Range was a problem too, if the Kazon males used the handheld energy weapons Anara knew of but Kes had yet to encounter. From farther away, would her abilities be effective enough? ...Even at close range, if they faced a man with an energy weapon already in his hand, all it would take would be him having good aim and being able to resist her abilities for the moment it would take for him to fire the weapon. More, besides an ambush, a hunting party was also a possibility... one that might pursue them, even across the desert. Worse, what if the males used one of their flying ships?

Kes tried to put such dire thoughts out of her mind for now, hoping vehemently that she was worrying for nothing, while she knelt down to hug her daughter good morning. Happily, Lanam, ever resilient, seemed to have shaken off her withdrawn and worried state and was her normal cheerful self again. Later, she or Anara would have to have a talk with Tresit and Artem to make sure that, if they wanted to spar again, they would only do it when all of them were awake so that she and Anara would be able to distract and reassure their daughter while it was going on.

She couldn't deny that, given their situation, practicing fighting skills made sense, but she certainly understood why her daughter didn't like it. She didn't either, though she knew Anara was considerably less averse to it past the point of it having upset Lanam. To Anara, it was just an essentially normal activity for males of her race, even young ones. Even many Kazon females, owing to their race's years of slavery and the necessity of their revolt against the Trabe, learned the basics of combat when they were young, though only against others of their own gender. To Kes, before for her recent experiences and her seemingly ever deepening connection with her wife, physical violence of any sort, even in play, had been an almost entirely absent concept in her life. True, incidents of violence did occur among her people at times, but such acts were singular and usually brought on by intensely emotional circumstances. One of her kind might lash out against another, but the act itself would usually be enough of a shock to stop the perpetrator from committing any further violence... To her people, an act of violence was a deeply shameful thing, and, while she would never consider herself a conformist to her people's mores and fears by any means, she found she did see the sense in viewing violence in that way and was hard pressed to entirely dissuade herself of such feelings.

Anara and Lanam set out the food and water for them all, more than the usual allotments because of what was going to happen today, but not so much that they wouldn't still be able to manage for a time in case things went badly.

They ate a mostly sedate meal together, Kes explaining to Artem their plans to go back to her home below ground and telling him that he, his sister and mother, and Vastu of course, would be welcome to come with them. At Lanam's prompting, Kes also told them more about the city... her favorite places, what the buildings and people were like, things such as that.

The meal done, Tresit spent a minute or two putting things away while Kes considered. "We need to leave soon, before the day becomes too hot..."

"I... shouldn't go with you. Artem should." Tresit spoke.

"Why?" Artem asked, surprised by the statement.

"They will trust you at the first. For me, the opposite... The opposite is true." He spoke. "It's for the best." Unspoken, Kes could sense (because Tresit was practically broadcasting the thought, knowing she would hear it), was that Tresit, while hopeful, was still less that entirely convinced of his cousin's trustworthiness and didn't want to leave him alone with his mother and sister and thought it would be better if Artem stayed with Kes who would be able to tell beforehand if he got any ideas of betrayal and be able to put him to sleep again before he could act on them. She had more faith in Artem than that, but, of course, she and Anara had already decided on the same course of action, knowing that his family would trust Artem much more readily than they would Tresit, or herself or even Anara for that matter. Adding to the fact of him being Miteza's son, Artem was also male, and, regardless of merit, Anara knew Miteza would more naturally defer to his wishes than to most anyone else in a situation like this. Much as that personally bothered Kes to think about.

Artem looked to Kes then. "...Alright." Kes told him with a small encouraging smile. "Do you want that?" She asked him.

"...I do." Artem replied, the desire to be reunited with his family strong in his mind.

"Then... we should get ready soon." Kes replied. "First though... Lanam, I think we need to talk a little while first." She touched her daughter's face fondly, and ruffled her hair a bit.

Lanam laughed and nodded. "About what, momma?" She asked, and Kes could tell her daughter was worried about their family being separated, but she also trusted her very much, and was excited about meeting Artem's family. She still didn't know that Vastu was her and Tresit's brother. That was something else they needed to tell her, she and Anara reluctantly agreed, both feeling guilty that they hadn't so far, only... maybe not now. It would be too much, they decided, with the other thing they had to tell her. And... much as she and her wife didn't want to consider it, there was still the possibility that they might not succeed in bringing Vastu home, and, even now, neither of them wanted to disappoint their daughter that way if they couldn't succeed as they hoped to.

"Come." Kes said warmly, getting to her feet and picking Lanam up in her arms, carrying her over to her and her wife's bed and sitting on the edge of it, Anara settling on the floor on her knees next to them, holding Lanam's hand and running a hand through her hair in a comforting way. "Asasha, something... happened last night, while we slept."

"While we slept?" Lanam asked, confused. Kes could sense her young mind trying to guess what could happen while sleeping, besides a dream, that wouldn't wake everyone up and not finding an answer. "What was it?"

-You know how I can do things, like talk without talking?- Kes asked her mind to mind.

Lanam laughed. "I remember." She said. "You don't do that anymore though. Why not?" She asked, always one for asking questions whenever they occurred to her.

Kes smiled to herself fondly. Her daughter was in her lap, facing Anara, so she couldn't see her face, but she already felt like she could see her daughter's expression in her mind, even without looking through Anara's eyes to do it, which she wasn't doing at the moment. It felt, in a way, like Lanam and Tresit had always been hers, even though they obviously hadn't been. She wondered to herself if that feeling of time came more of her bond with Anara, or from her own feelings of love for them. She knew it wasn't only one or the other, but she sometimes wished she could know her own mind more fully than she seemed to be able to. "Once I learned to speak aloud, I suppose I thought you'd be more accustomed to that. More comfortable, if I talked like you talk. Talking without words, my people can do that whenever they want to, but we still only do it sometimes. Whenever it feels right, I guess. There's no rules about it, but... speaking into another's mind, it usually has more of a feeling of intimacy than speaking aloud does."

"Oh..." Lanam replied. "Do you think I could learn to talk like that if I tried to? Could you teach me?" She asked hopefully.

Kes smiled to herself, feeling warmth from Anara over their bond. "I don't know, actually..." She trailed off. "I don't know a lot of what my mental abilities can do. That's what happened last night in fact." She spoke more softly. "I don't know how it happened, but I... gave Anara back the sight she had once, when she was your age."

Lanam was quiet, not speaking, and Kes could tell that her daughter truly didn't know what to think about what she'd just learned.

"Artem asked..." Kes went on. "He noticed the difference and he asked if I could do that for you as well. I told him I didn't know, because I don't... but I'd be willing to try. If you wanted me to, asasha, I would try."

"...It's up to me?" Lanam asked softly.

"It is." Anara spoke. "Of course it is. We love you, so much."

"Momma..." Lanam spoke, and Kes could tell, after she'd said it, Lanam didn't know which one of them she'd said it to. Maybe both.

"I could show you." Kes said, just thinking of it, Anara agreeing even as the thought had occurred.

"...I want to." Lanam said in a small, shy voice. "I want to see." She said, and Kes could tell her daughter meant that in more than just a temporary way. Lanam wanted to see like the rest of them could. She wanted it because she didn't want to be different, and because she wanted to be able to help with things more, and... also because, no matter what any of them had said, a part of her in the back of her mind thought her family's hardships still might have been her fault and that if she could see, then she'd be able to stop more dangers from threatening them.

Internally Kes sighed, wishing she could say the right thing to take away that sense of misplaced guilt her daughter still had, but she didn't know what words would be enough. If she could do this for her though, then, she thought, maybe it would help anyway. She knew she didn't really know what it was, after all, not to be able to see. No one else besides Lanam could know what was right for her about something like this. So Kes brought her fingertips to her daughter's temples, closed her eyes, and used her mental abilities, with Anara's support, to let their daughter see herself though Anara's eyes. "That's... That's you." Kes spoke softly. Anara looked up and met Kes's eyes. "And that's me."

"Lanam?" Anara asked, concerned.

Lanam was quiet again, struck mute. She'd never been able to see, and her young mind was struggling to make sense of something she'd never experienced before, something she had no frame of reference for. Kes sensed this and sent feelings of comfort and safety to their daughter, Anara wanted to contribute to comforting her, but she held back because was feeling too nervous and shaky about this at the moment, so she let Kes take the lead. Soon though, the feelings of safety and family took hold in her wife too, and Anara was able to her daughter feelings of love and hope and support too.

And so, minutes later, Lanam blinked her unseeing eyes, Anara's eyes blinking at the same time. "It's..." Lanam wanted to see more, so Anara turned and looked to Tresit and Artem who were sitting nearby, watching on with solemn rapt attention. "Brother? That's you, and cousin Artem. I can..." Lanam yawned. "I feel tired, momma."

"It's alright." Anara spoke, smiling, eyes tearing a little. "You can rest. We can... We can try this again another time, whenever you want. When we... When we get back. We can try again when we get back, and... and you can meet your cousins and your aunt." She spoke in a soft, soothing way, but Kes knew that, inside, she felt shaken all the more.

Lanam yawned again, and Kes slowly pulled back, dimming her borrowed sight then gently slipping from her daughter's mind. Lanam yawned again. "Sleepy." She said, blinking her eyes and turning her head one way and then another as if she could see. "It's gone again. I wish..." She yawned again and closed her eyes and went to sleep and Kes bundled her up in her arms and stood, carrying her gently over to her and Tresit's bed, laying her down and tucking her in.

Anara was kneeling on the floor along with Kes next to their daughter. "I... I think that went well. Somehow... Somehow I think we might be able to do it, to give her sight. I just... I think we should go slowly." Kes spoke as she and Anara leaned into each other. Kes realized Anara was wiping away tears and then realized that she was crying some of those herself, so she wiped away her own tears too.

"I never thought... It's, just... thank you, my zaraya, thank you." Anara spoke softly, and Kes could feel the love, adoration, and belief from her wife intensely. Felt how comforted and safe and loved Anara felt just being next to her. It was... It was going to be a lot to live up to, but Kes wanted to try, wanted to give everything she could to Anara. She wanted that so much, with everything she had inside her to give.

There was the sound of footsteps and Kes glanced over in time to see Artem walk outside. Tresit had come over to stand over his sister's bed at some point and Kes hadn't noticed, but her son looked back to see Artem leave too. Tresit turned and met Kes's eyes then, and she nodded to him in understanding, and her son turned to go after his cousin.

* * *

to be continued

and I'm always happy to get comments (even really short ones)


	31. Harmony and Miracles (3)

Kes stood and offered Anara a hand up and they went to sit on their bed together. Anara moved forward and Kes met her and they just kissed for a few long moments, less with passion than a simple need for connection and comfort. There were voices from outside, and Kes had to make an effort not to eavesdrop on the two boys with her mental abilities. Their kiss broke and she and Anara smiled to one another. Anara touched her face and gazed into her eyes. "You're so beautiful... My love, that I can see you like this, anytime I want. I feel... wealthy." She smiled and laughed a little abashedly. "I wonder what my people would say to that, if they heard me talking. I wonder..." Her gaze drifted away from Kes's eyes, down to their joined hands between them.

"What Miteza will say?" Kes ventured, a soft, understanding smile on her lips.

"...Yes." Anara admitted, shyly meeting Kes's eyes again. "We might have been something like friends once, I'm not sure. She... was always so quiet. I think... The way she looked at me, I think she envied me my relative joys. That my husband truly cared for me. I wished them for her, wished my brother could have been a better man for her. She was always... always kind though. I admired her that... That she could still be kind, with my brother a yoke about her shoulders... I hope he hasn't taken that from her, since I've seen her last. That kindness... I have more than enough useless hate for my brother's memory... I would want no more..."

Kes gently titled her wife's chin up with one hand, so their eyes met again a moment, and then she moved to kiss her, soft and sweet. Once, twice, a few times more. When they paused in their attentions, eyes closed, foreheads resting against one another, Kes spoke, mind to mind. -I'll always be with you to sooth those sorrows... and whatever pain and hardships Miteza has gone through... I know we can help her make better memories to drive away those wrongs. She's family. I'm sure she'll see that too.- She said, trying to believe it as much as she could.

Anara didn't say anything back right away, but she smiled a little shyly and moved to kiss her again, yearning to continue their intimacy. -I love you.- She told her as they kissed, and that really said everything.

After a few more lazy minutes of making out, they stopped and Kes sighed. "We have to get ready and set out soon, before we lose more of the day."

Anara nodded. Without words, they agreed to split up. Kes went to gather their things for the task ahead while Anara went outside to explain to Tresit that she was going with Kes and Artem into the city, and that he would be responsible for Lanam while they were away. Kes knew this was both a worry for Anara, because she'd hardly ever been parted beyond speaking distance from Lanam before, and it was also a... a renewal. A return to a state of being she'd thought never to experience again. A return to being able to... even just to walk without care, being able to see where she was going. To being able to go out into the city and find food for her children without... without having to beg or plead for it from a largely uncaring people.

Kes smiled to herself at that. Feeling astonishment and pride in herself that she'd been the one who'd been able to give that feeling back to her. She was tucking her knives into their usual places, and she considered that Anara would be carrying them too now. They had more than enough to go around. Neither Artem nor Lingen had brought energy weapons with them, but they'd had blades, and not the kind that were made for preparing food. Artem was going to use what he'd come with (including a set of small throwing knives that he was apparently talented at using), and Kes had chosen one of Lingen's for her own, a blade that was a longer than her forearm that had a sheath that could be strapped over her shoulder under her pack. Anara knew how to fight, though she'd had little practical experience. Many Kazon families still remembered the days of enslavement, and the days of rebellion, where everyone, male and female, had needed to fight to win. Anara had been taught with other female children, but had never fought a male, and hadn't been allowed to continue her training once she'd been married. Still, even now, she and Kes were working together in harmony to bring forward those memories so they were fresh for her, and Anara was sharing what she'd learned with Kes to what extent Kes could manage to absorb it. It might or might not be as effective as learning a language that way had been, Kes considered, but any small advantages they could gain, they needed to be prepared to use. Just the thought that Anara was going with her into danger this time, that those two men who'd tied her up and put her in a room to sell as if she were a non-sentient object instead of a living being were still out there in that city somewhere, the city where she and Anara were heading soon, had her on edge and more willing than ever to do whatever she had to do to make sure her wife would be kept safe from men like that.

After a minute or two more, Anara, Tresit, and Artem came back inside. Tresit stood against the wall, his eyes distant and distracted seeming as Anara and Artem equipped themselves with weapons, satchels, and canteens. "Tresit?" Kes asked. She'd experienced Anara talking with him and Artem outside as if she'd been speaking too, having been sharing harmony with her wife at the time to varying degrees. The harmony had seemed to settle into that between them, still advancing and receding according to the results of whatever balance existed between them. They could chose it, or chose against it, but when they did neither, it seemed to simply intensify and fade as it would.

"Yes, mother?" Tresit asked, bringing his attention back into focus.

He'd said mother in such an off-handed way that Kes couldn't help but smile, warmed by it. "You seemed very far away. Where did you go, if I can ask?"

He smiled a peaceful, resigned sort of smile. "Just imagining what the future might hold, that's all." He said.

"What did you see? Ahead for us, I mean?" She asked, curious.

His smile turned wistful. "Nothing that really amounts to much. The future... will be written as it will."

"But... you wish you had more of a say, don't you?" She saw the core of the issue.

He shook his head, looking at Lanam. "My place is with my sister." He told her softly.

Kes knelt and they hugged. "I'm so proud of you." She told him as the hug ended, ruffling his hair a little in play. "And I'm proud of her too. I love you both, so much... Will you tell her that? When she wakes up?"

He smiled again, seeming more care free, though Kes wasn't sure how much of that was an act and she didn't want to pry to find out. "I will." He agreed.

He didn't ask her to come home safe, or protect Anara, because she knew he trusted that Kes would do those things with everything she had, and that was enough. That lack of words meant a lot to her. She kissed his forehead and stood. She, Anara, and Artem finished their farewells and left soon after.

It was an hour and a half to midday and time was already pressing on them. They could all feel it.

* * *

to be continued

and I'm always happy to get comments (even really short ones)


	32. To Dare Against A City of Enemies (1)

The hike into the Kazon colony town was a mostly silent undertaking. Anara was looking everywhere around them, taking in everything she could. She was keeping her attention in the moment, alert to possible dangers, like they all were, but, inside, Kes knew, felt, the smile inside her wife's heart, and the fluttering. At once, Anara was nervous with anticipation, hope, and dread about a reunion with a son whom she'd thought lost to her, and more, those feelings were competing with an irrepressible delight at her newly returned sight. Her wife's feelings were so infectious, it was hard for Kes to make herself not get completely caught up in them. She had to stay alert and watchful, they all did. Anara felt that as much as any of them, Kes knew that too. Even still, Kes couldn't quite keep the small, quiet smile from her lips. She couldn't quite stop herself from feeling optimistic, despite all the many and varied potential dangers they might soon be walking into.

Kes wanted to talk with her wife, about anything, really, just to hear her voice. But she knew they couldn't talk, not even mentally, not unless it was necessary and relevant to what they were doing, because it might be too much of a distraction.

As they neared the city, she and Anara started to mentally coordinate though, slipping easily into harmony. They reached out with Kes's mental abilities and started to sense for strong or hostile emotion from the city before them, and for anyone nearer by who might be lying in wait. They both still thought they had a better than fair chance of getting in and out of the city without any trouble, but that meant there was still too strong a chance that there would be trouble, so they were taking exactly no chances that they didn't have to.

From the city, there was nothing alarming, and from their path ahead or immediate vicinity, they picked up no one present so far. In harmony, they found the range and strength of Kes's abilities were greater... the trouble was though that they couldn't really extend their thoughts out so far with such intensity without... Without also picking up on everything Artem was thinking and feeling at the moment. Blocking those things out would cost them too much range and sensitivity.

Their nephew was troubled, imagining again and again what he would say to his mother, how he would explain. He guessed at how his sister, Thalla, would react too. Would they understand? Would they be disappointed in him? Would they really leave with Kes? Did he even want that? To live in a city of people who could read their minds whenever they wanted to and whose ways language they wouldn't know? Could he stay? Could he turn things around? He'd known Lingen could have been lying to him, or exaggerating matters, when he'd told him his assessment of his and his family's situation. At the time, he just hadn't cared, because they had both been acting out of selfishness. Now things were different. He didn't hate Tresit anymore... He didn't even know quite what he felt towards Tresit anymore, actually. It felt like they might be friends one day, like... He wasn't sure. He felt muddled with not knowing about so many things. He liked when things made sense. He liked when he had a clear path before him. As they got closer to the city though, that's what he decided to focus on. Right here, right now, this very moment, he did have that. A clear path, a clear goal. Get to his house, find his family. Once he got there? Then he'd have to face what came next and make a decision. He wasn't the only one who would have to make a decision, true, but decisions would be made, and then they'd act. He'd act.

Kes and Anara found themselves feeling fondness towards their nephew. Anara understood his feelings more in some ways, Kes in others... not that Kes fancied she truly understood some things. Even Anara didn't, not really. Kes had always had a harder time understanding males than other females, but the divide was even more pronounced among the Kazon it seemed. She seemed to be doing good enough as a mother to Tresit and as an aunt to Artem though, Anara fully agreed, and amended that she was much better than simply good, that she was perfect. Kes smiled to herself, mentally caressing her wife's thoughts a little and returning the complement before they both refocused on keeping their harmony as strong as possible so their power would be as strong as possible.

They arrived at the edge of the rocks now, and she and Anara sensed out for anyone who might be in a position to see their entry into the city. -We're safe to go ahead- They sent mentally to Artem, who glanced back at them and nodded. He'd insisted on taking the lead, and she and Anara had decided to let him... for his own peace of mind, if for no other reason. It was just another part of a Kazon male's sense of pride, Anara had assured her, though Kes had made the same assumption, having learned more and more how Tresit and Artem thought about things. She didn't always relate to it well, or think some of the things they did and thought were necessarily justified or rational, but she did think she understood it much more.

They took a careful but quick pace through the city streets, having the confidence of Kes's mental abilities to tell them which streets were safe to travel down at any given time and which weren't. Kes and Anara's only nagging worry was for long distance surveillance. Again, it seemed unlikely, but if the local leaders had taken a strong interest in Tulk's death, Lingen and Artem's disappearances, Kes's thefts, or in all of those things, and if they'd questioned Miteza and Thalla, or a few other of the Kazon Kes had encountered, then it was just possible that it could be a legitimate concern. But their only options in that respect were to either risk it or not try at all. She and Anara couldn't sense anything amiss so far though, so they were encouraged by that.

Kes and Anara did start to feel a certain kind of thrill from this, from the exhilaration of moving fast and acting in harmony together for such an extended length of time. It was hard not to feel a little giddy, and also, perhaps, hard to ignore a certain sense of emotional freefall, being so open and vulnerable to each other, especially in the midst of a potentially dangerous situation. Anara had a memory of sneaking out into the wilderness to go hiking with her brother Ralka for a few days when their parents had been away. They'd taken turns jumping off a short waterfall into the water below. It felt sort of like that in a way... Anara and Ralka had snuck out while Tulk had been out for the afternoon with Lingen and Yanjik, no doubt doing something stupidly cruel. When she and her brother had gotten back, Tulk had been cold to them, more so than usual. He'd told their parents about what they'd done when they returned, but their father had simply laughed and said that there had been no harm, and that he only wished he had more time for such things. The memory made Anara wistful but happy, and Kes felt privileged to share it with her. What they called their harmony state only meant that, to a great extent, they could feel, think, experience, and act in concert, in harmony with one another, it didn't make them one being, or give them each other's memories or learned skills unless they actively tied to share them.

There was a shout from a block over, and sounds of a struggle then. Artem looked in that direction, tensing. -It's brawl between two boys.- Kes sent to him mentally. -Don't worry.- Anara added.

Artem nodded and they continued on. There were a few other shouts, and Kes and Anara sensed that one of the boys was losing. He was suffering a beating. Kes hesitated, her harmony with Anara receding a little. She was torn. She hated standing by while a boy Tresit's age was being beaten. Anara turned to her, their small group having paused when Kes had slowed. They were at a stop now and Anara put a consoling hand on Kes's shoulder. Kes turned and met her wife's eyes, her emotions plain and laid bare between them. -It's not very out of the ordinary.- Anara told her with compassion. -Even if we helped, it would only happen again some other day.- She spoke, and Kes knew Anara felt for the boy too, but knew the nature of her society too well. -Besides, if you looked into the victimized boy's mind, you'd probably see that he wishes he were the one giving out the beating. Not all are like that, but... the way we're raised, feelings like that grow in us far too easily, unless we are strong and kind enough to stop ourselves for giving into them. You can't give them that strength, or that kindness zaraya, though I know you wish it could be otherwise somehow... and... and we have our own to protect this day.- She gently reminded her.

Kes took a moment to center herself, but Anara was right. She knew she was. She didn't like it, and neither did Anara for that matter, but it was the way it was. If they interfered with the boys, there was too much chance they'd be noticed. There were others home on that street. They'd be almost certainly seen. -You're right, I know you are.- Kes agreed softly, reaching out to take her wife's hand, meet her eyes again, and return to harmony with her. It helped some. -Alright, let's continue.- They sent to Artem, who'd been watching the interchange between them with concern and curiosity, though he hadn't spoken or tried to ask what the delay was about. They could sense he'd already guessed. Kes met his eyes a moment, and saw understanding there, and maybe still a bit of wonder at her strange ways.

They moved on then, and, thankfully, a few moments later, the beating stopped and they boy who'd won the fight left. The boy who'd lost was badly hurt, but not so much his life was in danger. He was able to, with effort, pick himself up and limp home, where, Kes and Anara could tell from his thoughts, that his mother and sister would take care of him. Anara had been right, the boy wanted revenge, though he was also ashamed of his weakness and hoped his father, who worked at the mines, wouldn't find out exactly what had happened. Kes and Anara both wished things could be different for the boy, for all the children of the Kazon, and found themselves looking forward to living a life far away from such things, because they knew they couldn't change them. Maybe even, Kes considered, didn't have exactly the right to change them even if they could. With her power, she hesitated to even think what she might be able to do to another person, what she might be able to force on them. She never wanted to do that though, because she knew it would be essentially, horribly, wrong. It was a hard thing to think about, so Kes let herself let it go and refocused on her harmony with Anara. They were both finding it considerably harder to maintain now than it had been when they'd been in bed together. Which, they supposed, only made sense. In bed, intimacy and mutual focus was the whole point, was what they both wanted to the exclusion of everything else. Here, now, they were trying to maintain that state while focusing on things other than each other. Thoughts wondered when you were doing things that parts of you didn't want to do. It just meant they had to keep trying, and keep readjusting to one another whenever the harmony between them started to slip out of focus. Anara practiced meditation sometimes, like Tresit did, though not as much and of a different kind, so she knew this was actually a similar thing to that in that way. When you meditated, it wasn't always easy to stay in a meditative state, you just had to accept that and learn to readjust without self-reproach.

In due course, the three of them made it to Artem's home. They snuck around to the back to avoid the elderly woman who lived across the street's notice. Her husband was out helping train a group of boys, including their grandson, of whom she was very proud. The woman's husband, Kes and Anara were happy to sense, was gruff, but kind to her. They loved each other, perhaps not with the intensity or passion that she and Anara felt for each other, but there was genuine care and even a sort of friendship between them. That was a bright spot that made Kes feel unaccountably better. Try as she had, the fight between those two boys before had still been bothering her in the back of her mind. This helped, some.

Artem opened the door to his family home. "Your mother is upstairs... with Vastu." Anara spoke softly, a certain longing that she was unable to hide in her voice as she'd spoken her son's name.

"And my sister?" Artem asked, keeping his voice down as well.

"She's not here." Kes answered, she and Anara, Kes's abilities still open wide as they were to keep watch for danger, couldn't help but see into Miteza and Vastu's minds. They saw that Thalla was out with friends, two girls around her age. She'd been going out with them for the last few months. Tulk hadn't bothered to care. Miteza didn't know what she did with them, and was too shy of her daughter to ask. Thalla had a tendency to speak her mind when confronted, and, the practice having earned her beatings from her father before, Miteza had settled on not questioning or upsetting Thalla at all and just letting her do as she would so there'd be less reason for her to act out at home and risk Tulk taking notice and hurting her again. After Tulk's death at the hands of Tresit, Thalla had hardly spoken a word to either her or Artem, she'd only comforted Vastu. When Artem had been departing, Thalla had been subtle about taking him aside, but Miteza had overheard her asking her brother, just once, not to go with Lingen. She didn't say why she didn't want him to go, she'd just asked, and had only nodded once and turned and left when he'd refused. She'd come back home that night to sleep, but had left in the morning again without a word, without even seeing Vastu. That was what Miteza was thinking about even now, in fact, her daughter, Thalla, and her son, Artem, both gone, both doing she didn't know what. She was... well, not happy, but actually... she'd looked at her husband's body, and the first thing she'd felt had been just... relief. Simple, uncomplicated relief. In the beginning, he'd fooled her into thinking he cared for her, but, after he'd married her, he'd lost interest and treated her as an afterthought everywhere but in the bed chamber. He'd struck her exactly twice because she'd said things he hadn't liked. After that, she'd said as little as possible to him, only answering when he asked something of her, doing as she was told, and laying for him in bed when he was in heat. Her initial relief at his death had, fairly quickly, become a mix or regret, guilt, and worry, for her own future and that of her children. Her thoughts now as she played a simple counting game with Vastu, were easily winnowed down to a single question: What will happen to my family now? Whatever it was, she was almost convinced she'd have no say in it, and that... that hurt to think about. She was thinking about it though. In fact, she couldn't seem to stop thinking about it, no matter that she'd tried to distract herself from it in several ways so far.

Kes and Anara's eyes met, compassion and a mutual desire to help making the harmony clear and bright between them. "I'll go... talk with her." Artem spoke, turning from looking around the place. Things had all been put in order, and Kes and Anara could tell it was an odd feeling for him, to be back here, with so much having changed in his life so quickly. He felt apprehensive, but he was also trying to be resolved to going forward and seeing where life would take him next. He hoped he'd be able to bend it to his will to good effect at least to some degree, but he'd seen in the last few days how little control he truly had over such things, so he didn't hold out much hope that it would be any different today, or tomorrow, or the next day for that matter.

"We'll wait down here for you." Kes told him encouragingly, both she and her wife fervently hoping this would go well. As Artem went up the stairs to the house's second level, Kes and Anara took off their packs, setting them down on the floor. Anara came over to her once that was done and stepped into her arms, their gazes meeting again. Kes could feel that Anara was feeling a little shaky inside all of the sudden and hoped for comfort. Their harmony had slipped some after Artem had gone upstairs. They could still sense him, Miteza, and Vastu, were still actively standing watch over their surroundings. But, Kes considered, she could still do this for her wife, even if it was only a small thing. She moved forward, her wife's arms resting on her shoulders, Kes's hands resting on her wife's hips, they met in a kiss. Gentle, comforting, but softly insistent. Their eyes fluttered closed for a long moment as time seemed to slow around them and their harmony flowed back between them, full and intense. They kissed, once then twice, then again. Slow, lingering kisses that made their hearts race in pleasant ways and helped to settle and steady both of them in the moment.

Their kiss parted, foreheads resting together, eyes closed, as they breathed the same air and let their senses take in everything around them, every thought, presence, and emotion. Upstairs, they felt Miteza, Artem, and Vastu. They let the thoughts pass over them, following the spoken conversation and emotions between mother and son while continuing to make sure there were no dangers around them outside the house.

"Mother?" Artem asked, speaking up. Kes and Anara could feel the surprise and complete relief Miteza felt, hearing her son's voice again, as she turned and rose to her feet. She wanted to go to him, embrace him, but she hadn't held her son like that in years. Tulk wouldn't have approved, neither would Kazon society in general. She couldn't help wishing it were different though. It was a small thing, perhaps, but, right now, she resented it very much.

"You've returned..." Miteza spoke. "I'm... I'm very relieved." She spoke.

Artem looked down, then to his younger brother... his cousin, really, he mentally amended. He'd always seemed like a younger brother though. He met his mother's eyes again. Wished she would ask him what had happened, but knew she wouldn't. "Much has happened." He told her.

* * *

to be continued

and I'm always happy to get comments (even really short ones)


	33. To Dare Against A City of Enemies (2)

"...Lingen?" Miteza ventured. It took bravery for her to ask even that much, but... but she sensed her son wanted her to ask. And, she reminded herself, her husband was dead. She couldn't really think Artem would... would strike her for asking, would he? The thought hurt to think it, but what twisted inside her most was that she wasn't entirely certain of the answer. She didn't know him, his character, well enough to know. That wasn't her own fault, or Artem's for that matter. It was Tulk's fault if it was anyone's, she told herself, feeling a certain bitterness towards him at this. Still, she thought, she had to have faith in Artem, in her son. She wouldn't let herself lose that.

"Dead." Artem spoke, feeling ambivalent and vaguely resentful towards a man he'd once admired. Artem found himself remembering how Lingen was... He'd been good to him. Or, mostly he had. He'd... More than once, he'd wished Lingen had been his father rather than Tulk. It was still hard to reconcile the man he'd thought of as Lingen with the Lingen Kes had shown him that had been hidden behind those boisterous laughs and easy smiles. He still didn't want to believe it. The trouble was though, that he did believe it. His eyes, that's what made him believe it most, he found. He'd always had... hard eyes.

What had happened? Miteza wondered. Had her son ran away? Selfishly, she didn't care if he had. She knew, as a true Kazon, she should be disgusted if that had been the case. She wouldn't ask though. She hoped, if her son had run, he would know enough never to speak of it, not to anyone, not ever. "And... and Tresit? The... the woman he was with?" She asked, nervous and shy of both the act of asking and of the memory of seeing Kes. It had been such a shock, to see a woman acting that way, a woman... who seemed to have such... power. It frightened her, and confused her to think of, even now.

"They live. She... The woman is..." Artem searched for a way to continue on. "She is aunt Anara's wife. Her name is Kes."

Miteza's eyes widened, but she couldn't think of what to say or think.

"She... We couldn't stand against her power." Artem confessed. "She felled us both with only a thought."

"...But... but she gave you back to us? She let you live?" Miteza asked, moving forward towards her son, shaken again at learning how close she may have come to losing him. She may not have had much, if any, joy in her marriage to Tulk, but her role as a mother? She loved her children, all of them, with all her heart. She still believed that she had made... She wouldn't say it was a good trade, if she were honest, not a wise choice at all on her part to have chosen Tulk for her husband... but it was a trade, a choice, she would make again in a heartbeat if asked. For them.

"She did." Artem spoke. "Things... aren't what I'd thought them to be. Tresit... he..." Artem sighed. "I've come to believe he had just cause... in... in what he did. Father, he... he murdered them. He, Lingen, and Yanjik, they murdered Tarnan, and Ralka."

Miteza gasped. "You... know this as sure?" She asked.

Artem nodded. Miteza looked away, shame and guilt flooding through her. She went over to a chair and sat, starting to cry, then to weep. She'd known herself for a fool for not having made a better choice for a husband, but... it seemed, even after all this time, she'd remained wholly ignorant of how very much of a fool he'd truly made of her. Anara... She thought. Anara had been... they'd been friends. She'd raised her son. She'd... she'd been laying with the man who'd... She'd been jealous of her once, though she'd tried not to be. Tarnan had seemed... she'd wished so many times she'd been wise or lucky enough to have been claimed by a man like that. A good man. Even a kind one. And then Anara's sight had started to fail, and her daughter had been born without it, and Miteza had felt ashamed of those feelings. That shame though, it was nothing... not compared to this. "How... how could he have done that...?" She asked plaintively. She had never felt truly wretched before, but she felt so now. She felt so now.

Artem got on his knees before her and embraced her and Miteza held her son and let herself cry. "I... I don't know, mother. I don't know..." Artem spoke, his eyes wet, though he hated himself for the weakness. He found himself resenting his father for doing this to them. He... He hadn't truly let himself think those things until now. Just what it all meant, what it really was... that his father had murdered his own kin, and hidden it from all of them.

In her arms, Kes held her wife as she cried along with her sister. Because Miteza was her sister, by marriage. Anara hadn't quite let herself think of her that way, any more than she'd truly thought of Tulk as her brother for years, but she knew now she'd been wrong not to. Because Miteza had been her sister all along. She'd protected Vastu and raised him as her own. And she'd... she'd always cared. Anara met Kes's eyes and they agreed wordlessly, Anara turning going up the stairs, Kes following behind.

When they got to the door of the room Miteza, Artem, and Vastu were in, Artem turned and met Anara's eyes. Anara and Miteza's eyes widened and she gasped. Her eyes met Kes's then and she and Anara felt Miteza's fear. "It's all right, I won't hurt you, I promise." Kes spoke soothingly.

Anara went over to her sister and got to her knees and hugged her. "It's all right, my sister. Everything will be alright..."

"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry..." Miteza told her, shaky and still scared and feeling raw inside. Artem looked to Kes a moment, Kes nodded to Vastu, who was just sitting there quietly, not looking at anyone, withdrawn into himself. Artem went over to him and sat with him. The boy reacted, worry and fear and hurt in his heart. Kes smiled though as Artem seemed to bring the boy out of himself again. He was still in shock though, traumatized, Kes realized. Seeing what he'd seen. Then having both Artem and Thalla leave him. He thought it must be his fault. That he must have caused this somehow.

Kes went over and knelt beside Vastu and Artem. She touched her... Vastu was her son, she really realized that now in a way she hadn't quite realized until now. On an emotional level. She touched his face, his hair a little, and he met her eyes, fear and incomprehension there. "It isn't your fault." She told him softly. "I promise, none of it was your fault." Kes felt fear, not Vastu's, but Miteza's. She turned to meet her eyes.

"Kes won't hurt him. She won't hurt you, I... I swear it to you, upon my blood and bones." Artem told her sister.

Miteza relaxed a little and met Anara's eyes, touching her face. "You... you see?" She spoke.

Anara smiled softly to her. "My wife gave my eyes back to me." She told her.

"...How?" She asked, turning again to Kes, finding the courage to meet her eyes. "How... how can you do such things? Why... what do you want from us?" She asked softly, trying to fight the fear she felt, but only partially succeeding. She wasn't strong, or didn't believe herself to be, but she was trying to be even so, for her family's sake.

"I'm Ocampa." Kes replied softly. "My people are born with abilities like mine." She told her. "As for what I want from you, I want what most want for their family. For you to be happy and safe." She explained, feeling a little self-conscious because she wasn't really comfortable with being feared the way Miteza still feared her.

"...You... You consider us your family?" She asked, looking to Anara and seeing easily in her eyes as she looked to Kes how much love her sister-in-law felt for this woman. How much trust she had in her.

"I do." Kes told her. "I'm, I want to take Anara and our children away from here. Back to my people. There's plenty of food and water there, and we can make a home there. I won't have to steal for them anymore... I won't have to hurt anyone for them, or for you, anymore. You can come with us, you and Artem, and Thalla... and Vastu. That's why we came."

Miteza was quiet a moment. "Will I... do, um... do all your people... Is it... common place for a woman to marry another woman?" She asked. She didn't really know what to think of it. She'd never considered it before, that anyone could do such a thing. She'd heard of males doing it sometimes, but she'd never really given it much thought. She found herself wondering at how much better that might be. Could she do it, though? Could she... be that way? Did she want to be? Would it be... expected?

Kes smiled to herself a little, her cheeks flushing. "No, it... um, it wouldn't be expected. You, I mean, if you met someone..." She sighed. "My people shun those like me." She told her honestly. "So... we live in another part of the city. That's where I'd thought we could settle, make a home. We don't, I know your people have expectations that way." She went on patiently. "That it's not thought of well if you don't have a... husband. My people... we tend to marry for life though. Because your husband is... dead... Because of that, no one would expect you to marry again. You could of course, but it wouldn't be considered unusual if you didn't." She finished.

Miteza gazed at her thoughtfully for a moment, then she looked to Artem and Vastu. "...Artem, elshyash... what do you say of this?" She asked softly. She didn't know what she wanted his answer to be. It would be a risk, but, fool though she considered herself to be, she knew well enough that her family's position among her people had become an uncertain thing. She'd... she'd seen, with Anara, how easily things could turn very wrong. Was it better to risk that, or to risk trusting Kes?

"I..." Artem looked from his mother to Anara, then down at Vastu, over to Kes, then back up to his mother. He felt the pressure of the decision, the responsibility, weigh hard on him. This was what it was to be a grown man, he thought. Would he be a good one? A worthy one? He thought of his father then, and found himself speaking. "I think we should go with them." He said. "I think... I think that's what we need to do." He told his mother, sure of himself. He hadn't been sure, at all, until right that moment. He'd asked himself what his father would have him do, and he'd known, just known down to his bones that he did not want that. He didn't want his father's life. He didn't want his family, his mother, his brother, his sister, or even his cousins or aunts, to have the life his father had left for them. He wanted something better. Something more than struggle and violence and danger. He wanted... He wanted peace.

Miteza met her son's gaze, saw the confidence there, and more than confidence... she saw what she'd never seen in her husband's eyes. She saw true caring there. True belief in their family. In that moment, she felt so proud of him, and so proud of herself that, despite her husband, despite whatever else she'd failed at, she'd raised a good son. She nodded and looked to Anara, then over to Kes. "We'll go with you." She told her in gentle acknowledgement.

Kes smiled, relieved, and nodded. "Thank you." She said. Because she hadn't wanted to face the other option, hadn't wanted to split up her family. She turned to Artem. "Thank you." She told him as well.

He nodded.

"Um... what's going on?" Vastu finally spoke up.

Miteza got up and went over to him, Kes getting up to give her room and to go sit by her wife. "We're... We're going somewhere where we can be safe." She told her nephew. "We're... going somewhere where we can heal our family."

"...Is father coming? Is Thalla?" He asked.

"Thalla... Thalla will come with us." Miteza spoke, hoping she was speaking true. Even before her husband's death though, she'd felt... like she was losing her daughter. There had been more and more distance between them. Now? Now she didn't even have any idea where she was. Worry battered at her heart anew.

"What about father?" Vastu asked. A part of him knew the answer, but he didn't understand it. Or, maybe he just didn't want to.

Artem put his hands on Vastu's shoulders. "We have to be strong, you understand?" He asked him softly.

Vastu hesitated a moment and then nodded.

"Father is dead, Vastu. You... We have to accept that. We have to be..." He sighed. "We have to be strong for him. We have to take care of mother and Thalla for him, like he'd want us to." He told him.

Tears fell from the little boy's eyes. He nodded. "I'll be strong." He said, looking down, and then over to Miteza.

Miteza ran her hand through Vastu's hair and smiled a little wobbly to him.

* * *

to be continued

and I'm always happy to get comments (even really short ones)


	34. To Dare Against A City of Enemies (3)

"Where do you think she'd go?" Anara asked Miteza softly, some minutes later. They'd come downstairs to have a meal together. It was that time of day, and they'd all need to keep up their strength for what came next. Kes had enlisted Artem's help preparing the meal. Miteza was in the living area, Anara had Vastu in her lap and was just internally rejoicing in that fact, even now. There had always been a pressure there, a lack, a pull. Kes had always felt it in her, even though she hadn't recognized it for what it was at first. She knew it well now. It was what a mother felt when she was separated from her child. Kes felt that a little, even now, because they'd left Tresit and Lanam alone out at their home. What was their home for now, at least. She wanted to get back to them. Even at this distance though, she could feel Lanam. Just faintly, just as a... presence. She couldn't feel Tresit, likely because she didn't have as strong a mental rapport with him, but she could tell, at least, that Lanam was... content, she'd guess... Content enough at least, but worried too? Worried about her and Anara? Maybe even for Artem? Though, she knew, her daughter was still weary of him to a degree. She had to smile to herself a little though as she lined up a row of plates for them. Soon, she daydreamed, soon she and Anara would be able to tell their daughter that she had a little brother. The thought did a lot to keep her in good spirits.

"I... I truly have no idea." Miteza confessed. They'd been talking about what to do next. They'd come to an agreement that Kes and Artem would go out into the city to search out Thalla and bring her home. They very much didn't want to risk staying in the city into the afternoon when the men would be back from the mines. It was true that, if worse came to worst, they could perhaps stay overnight in Miteza's home and leave the next day when the men were gone again, the city less crowded, but neither she nor Anara wanted to leave their children alone that long, or take that additional risk of being discovered. The longer they stayed, the more danger they put their family in. That was a simple fact.

So, the best thing they could do would be to find Thalla and bring her home before it became an issue. They'd decided on Artem because he knew the city, and his sister, better than Kes did, and on Kes because she could use her mental abilities to sense out for Thalla's presence nearby, and, hopefully, find her, even if they only got close enough to her for her thoughts to be overheard. Anara would stay with Miteza and Vastu to help Miteza pack so they'd be ready for the journey ahead.

"She's..." Miteza continued. "She's only come back to sleep since it happened. Even before... It's been... It's been too long she's truly confided in me." She admitted with shame.

Anara reached a hand out to cover her sister's. "She's at the age for that." She told her in comfort. "When I was that age, there was much I would only tell Ralka. Some things, not even him..." She admitted, feeling wistful for her own mother and regretful at any lost chances there might have been between them.

Miteza smiled to her, grateful.

"She's told me precious little either." Artem put in. "She only really talks with those two friends of hers anymore." He explained.

"Caya and Janarin." Miteza nodded.

"Could she be at one of their homes then?" Kes asked as Anara mentally instructed her on how to cook the meal with the Kazon style oven. Tulk had been fairly well off, so there was still some produce in the kitchen that wouldn't keep outside of a refrigeration unit and could be used to make a stew. Anara had always loved stew. Kes could see it, even almost taste it in the memory Anara had shared with her of it, and the prospect of making it for her made Kes's heart feel warm and fluttery in her chest, anticipating how nice it would be to give Anara something like this that would just... give her joy.

Miteza shook her head. "I know Caya's mother, and Thalla knows her father enough that she wants little part of him. I can't imagine she would ever go there. I... I don't know very much about Janarin though." She admitted. "She's kind. She's always kind when I see her. But... I think she must simply be the type that avoids talking about herself..."

"She works with Caya for Garlis, the baker." Artem spoke up. "She came here with her brother from Tharstis looking for work a while ago." Tharstis being a moon one star system away that Anara knew of but had never been to.

"Truly?" Miteza spoke up, puzzled. "I've... never seen her there, only Caya." She should know this, Miteza thought, again feeling inadequate as a mother for her daughter.

"She helps him bake the bread, so she works in the back of the shop from before dawn to midmornings." Artem explained. "I think that Garlis wants to marry his son, Kaylin, to one of them when they both come of age. Thalla told me it would be Caya, because there seems to be a mutual interest there between them."

Miteza looked down at her hands.

"Sister?" Anara asked Miteza gently.

Miteza looked up towards the kitchen. "Does... Is there a boy Thalla likes, do you know? Is that... what her secrecy is about?" She asked Artem. If there were, could she take her away from him? Would Thalla want to go?

Artem shrugged. "If so, I've seen no sign of it." He admitted.

Miteza let out a breath, unsure if that was a good thing or not. She wanted her daughter to have a family and to prosper, but... the idea of her married to someone like Tulk, or someone worse, it worked a knot of fear inside her worse than any other. If she hadn't been able to tell what Tulk was really like before she'd chosen to marry him, how could she expect Thalla to be able to? She looked up to Anara then. "If it's the way where we're going for her to take a female as her wife, would that mean... Would it mean my daughter could never have a child?" She asked, worried and very much not wanting to give her daughter that fate either. But, at the same time, wouldn't it be less of a risk of a bad result if Thalla married another female instead of a male? "I know you said it wouldn't be required to pair that way, but if it's the thing everyone around her does, she'd be likely to choose that for herself as well, wouldn't she?"

Anara shook her head. "Kes has told me that the females there enter into bargains with male couples to produce children. A male child going to the males, and female to female, for example."

"Oh..." Miteza was relieved, if also a little uncomfortable. She felt nervous, mostly. Worried about her ability to adapt to all of this. Worried if they'd truly be welcome. Worried if she were making the right decision or not, or if her gods and goddesses would bless or scorn her for what she was about to do? She didn't know, she realized. She didn't know so many things. That had never bothered her so much before as it was bothering her now.

"Would it be such a bad thing?" Anara asked.

Miteza met her eyes again. "How could I know?" She answered honestly. "What... You would know better than I would. What do you say?" She asked Anara, while looking over at Kes wonderingly.

Anara smiled softly to herself. "...I would highly recommend it." She answered and Kes suddenly felt very happy. That was definitely a very pleasant feeling type of complement to get, now wasn't it?

Miteza blinked and looked back to her sister-in-law, not really sure what to say or think. "...In any case, I suppose we'll simply have to see what happens." She said, looking over at Kes again speculatively and wondering to herself what it would be like to marry a woman. And a woman of another species besides. The way Anara had just spoken, she clearly enjoyed bedding with her. She tried to remember if she ever had with Tulk... She wanted to think she must have, at least once or twice, surely. Her feelings were too muddled to remember clearly at the moment though... though perhaps the fact of that was answer enough.

She considered asking Anara how a good wife compared to a good husband, since her sister-in-law apparently had now experienced both, but she thought better of doing that in Kes's presence for fear that the question would be entirely too awkward. And, in any case, one man was not necessarily the same as any other man, just as one woman wouldn't necessarily be the same as any other woman, so perhaps the question was an altogether pointless one.

Miteza's gaze drifted over to Artem who was chopping loka root and she lost her train of thought. She felt proud of him, and worried for him. Familiar feelings. It was somehow always startling to her just how much she felt for them, for her children. She felt this pull to protect them that came from somewhere deep inside her that she'd tried to explain to herself several times, failing every time. Had Tulk ever felt that? He'd always seemed so... disinterested in them, in their children. How could he not feel it? Did males simply not? Or did some females not feel it either? If it was a common trait for males, would Artem not feel it for his own children either? She looked over to Kes who was setting the water to boil. She'd seen how Kes had been with Vastu, and even how she looked at Artem ...like a mother. They weren't even of her blood, and she could look at them like that so easily. It was definitely an appealing quality, now that she considered it.

"Miteza?" Anara asked.

"Yes?" She asked. "Oh, I'm sorry... I... Should you go to Garlis's bakery then, to ask after Thalla?" She offered, looking over to Kes and Artem again.

Anara smiled to herself. Miteza was so used to being ignored, she could sense it was a strange and new feeling for her to be looked to for answers. Slowly, she and Kes could tell, she was coming to feel more confidence in herself. Kes nodded. "That sounds like it's probably our best chance." She agreed.

* * *

Only feeling slightly nervous, Kes brought the spoon to her lips. She took a sip of the broth and then brought the spoon between her lips and took in her first spoonful of stew. She smiled as she chewed and smiled even more when Anara took her hand and their eyes met. "I like it." Kes told her wife softly.

Anara brought her hand up and kissed Kes's fingers, then brushed her cheek against her knuckles. Kes's breath caught and her heart sped up. She swallowed. Their eyes met again. "Thank you, zaraya." Anara told her softly. "For the stew... and... for other things."

Kes closed her eyes and felt a heady warmth travel all throughout her body in slow waves. She loved Anara's voice, so very much. "You're welcome." Kes told her just as softly. Sensing something, she turned her head then and saw Artem looking at them strangely. Just looking at him was enough for his thoughts to be clear to her. He found what and Anara were doing alien. He was imagining doing that with another boy and wondering what that would be like. It was so outside of his context though. He'd seen two men in an ally together once, kissing and growling in a low, rumbling sort of way. He'd turned away, embarrassed. Kes wanted to tell him that it was alright to question things, to wonder what was right for himself, but she somehow didn't think he'd appreciate it if she tried to give him advice about it. Kes also found herself suddenly wishing again that she could stop sensing Miteza, Artem, and Vastu's thoughts as much as she was. She knew Anara was feeling it too. The attention it took to stay grounded to each other was... daunting.

"It's... very good stew." Miteza complemented. Kes looked over to Miteza who'd been watching Vastu eat and now looked over to her and Anara. Kes could sense her thoughts too, wondering how involved she would be allowed to remain in raising Vastu, now that Anara was back in his life. She didn't want to deny Anara her son, because she knew very well how it felt even just to think of the possibility of another woman trying to take Artem or Thalla from her, but, at the same time, Vastu felt like her own son too by now.

-We can share in raising him.- Anara sent to her sister in thoughts. -I won't take him from you.-

Miteza looked over to her wonderingly. They'd told her about how they were using Kes's abilities to keep watch for danger and how that it meant that they couldn't help from overhearing their thoughts in the process, but it was one thing to have been told, another to experience. Somehow though, Miteza found, it didn't bother her that Anara and Kes could hear what she thought. Anara's words in her mind felt like a comfort in fact. It made her feel less alone. And what she'd told her, that was very much a relief too... profoundly so. -Thank you.- She thought back to her.

"Do you have friends you'll miss?" Kes found herself asking Artem after a few more moments of silent mutual enjoyment of the stew. She'd looked at him and thought about her own friends she'd left behind, whom she hoped to see again soon, and wondered if he'd be leaving anyone like that behind.

Artem looked up and met her gaze. He looked uncertain. "Perhaps I did." He answered.

"...Lingen's two sons?" Miteza put in quietly. "Vinja and Karbel are their names."

"Yes." Artem replied. "They're off training with the military. They wouldn't call themselves my friends any longer though, not if they knew any of the truth."

"...No. I guess they wouldn't, would they?" Kes replied regretfully.

Artem shook his head. "What's past can't be undone..." He said simply.

"The past is a juggernaut..." Anara commented softly. "Only fools and blind men fight against it, for it's a fight that can never be won."

Artem cocked his head to the side a little. "Zanrin, right?" He asked. Zanrin was a Kazon warrior sage who'd written a small book of wisdom and poetry that had been popular during the Kazon people's years of slavery. It was still very well-known and one of the only books that most of Anara's people would be likely to know very well.

Anara nodded.

"Well, it's true anyway, I guess." Artem allowed. "Whatever else though, I wouldn't be able to live with hiding my crimes from them, so it's best I go, as much for that reason as for any of the others."

"You haven't committed any crimes against them." Kes told him softly, with meaning. "If anything, I've done that." She admitted.

Artem shook his head again. "It doesn't matter. Unless I'm willing to fight you to the death, I'm still guilty as far as they would ever see." He told her, meeting her eyes again. "And, even if I could win that fight... I no longer want to."

Kes smiled, feeling happy at how genuine she could feel his words were. He wasn't conflicted about his feelings towards them anymore. He saw her and Anara, Tresit and Lanam as part of his family now, she could tell. And he'd fight to protect all of them if he had to. "I'm glad." She told him.

* * *

to be continued

and I'm always happy to get comments (even really short ones)


	35. Impossible Things (1)

The meal over, Kes was just kissing her wife goodbye when she sensed someone coming close to the house. She and Anara had sensed him getting closer, but hadn't realized he meant to come to this house. Their kiss broke and Kes and Anara's eyes met. Kes looked over Anara's shoulder to Miteza who'd started to clean things up after their meal. Anara had been planning to help her with that once Kes had gone since Kes and Artem had been the ones to make the stew. Artem was upstairs with Vastu in his room, Artem having wanted a little time with his cousin to further reassure and encourage him before they left to go find Thalla.

"There's someone coming." Kes told Miteza softly. "A man, but just one."

"...Who?" Miteza asked.

Kes shook her head. "It feels like I should... know him somehow..." Kes thought to herself. She and Anara looked into his mind. "He... wants to court you." She told Miteza.

"His name is Cagen." Anara put in as Miteza walked out of the kitchen area to join them. "Wasn't that the name of one of Jabin's men?" She asked. Jabin being the governor of the settlement they were in.

Miteza nodded. "He coordinates shipments to and from the mines." She supplied. "He's... His wife died of a sickness, I think. He wants to court me?" She asked, her thoughts and emotions confused. On the one hand, it would be a good match for her. Better than she would have expected, given the circumstances. On the other...

"He does." Anara confirmed.

Kes had turned and was looking at the door. Something was really bothering her, more than the situation should bother her, and she was searching herself for a reason why. The man didn't seem to be hostile at all, or at least he had no hostile intent at coming here. On the contrary, he seemed to have a hopeful, positive attitude about him. She could search deeper in his mind, but she didn't want to do that because she didn't want to know what she might find there. She wanted to think it was possible he could be just what he seemed on first impression, a genuine person with no malice in his heart, but, given the ways of Kazon males, how they were raised, and especially given the uneasy feeling she had about this man for some reason, she didn't want to risk looking only to find another mind like Lingen's. If it came to it, if he proved himself to be a threat, she would kill him to protect her family, but she didn't need to see into his mind to do that. Hopefully, it wouldn't have to come to that though. She very much didn't want it to.

The door chime sounded. Kes turned back to took to Miteza in question, then to Anara. "How should we handle this?" Kes asked softly.

"I..." Miteza put in. "I'll delay him. I... I'll ask him to come back another day." She offered, Kes reading from her that her indecision was clearing and she didn't want to marry another man who might treat her like Tulk had. A small part of Miteza hoped that Cagen would be kind, but she thought it was unlikely and didn't trust her judgment enough to take a risk like that.

"We'll hide then." Kes told her, feeling apprehensive about this still.

"If anything goes wrong, we'll be here for you." Anara told Miteza, briefly putting a hand on her shoulder in comfort and touching her hair a little.

Miteza nodded and tried to be brave.

Anara took Kes's hand and led her to a storage room that was nearby. They went in and closed the door behind them. -Something's wrong, isn't it?- Anara asked her, mind to mind. -Why does Cagen make you feel this way, I wonder?- She asked, touching Kes's hair and face in a markedly more intimate way than she'd touched Miteza moments before.

-...I think we're about to find out.- Kes replied as she closed her eyes and shared vision with Miteza, wanting to get a look at this man for herself.

She saw Miteza open the door, saw Cagen's face and felt fear, anger, and remembered trauma all at once. The same man. It was the same man. Kes reached out a hand, Miteza's hand, and turned Cagen's mind off with no gentleness whatsoever. Miteza staggered back and Kes lost her connection with her. She hadn't really meant to do that, had she? But she'd been scared. Miteza was her sister now too, not just Anara's, and, in any case, she wouldn't want to let this man near any woman at all, given the choice. Kes turned to Anara, but Anara was silent. Her mind... Kes looked into her wife's mind and fled from what she saw there.

Anara left the storage room. Kes blinked and tried to focus her thoughts on what to do next. Feeling disoriented suddenly, Kes knew she had to follow Anara, to keep her safe, to make sure Miteza was safe, that she hadn't hurt her by accident, channeling her power though her like she'd just done.

Kes emerged from the room and saw Anara advancing, Miteza looking as dazed as she herself felt. Cagen was on the ground, but he was getting up... He was getting up! He was groaning and holding his head and looking very confused. Anara had drawn a blade... Kes watched in mute thrall as Cagen and Anara's eyes met. Kes felt fury like she'd never felt before pour through her mental link with her wife. Anara's blade came up and struck down, stabbing Cagen in the belly.

Cagen tried to cry out, but Kes had enough presence of mind to strike him mute with her power before he could, knowing that it could be a death sentence for them otherwise. Cagen kicked at Anara's knee. Anara yelped in sharp pain and stumbled to the floor, her blade still buried in her enemy's belly. She grabbed up a second smaller blade that had been strapped to her ankle though, and, with a snarl on her lips, threw herself at Cagen. She grappled with him a few moments, but his strength failed him and she stabbed the knife into his eye. He tried to scream, but Kes stubbornly focused all her will on keeping him silent. She ignored everything else. She felt his pain, she couldn't stop herself from feeling it with what she was doing, and she sunk to the floor, not able to stay standing.

Anara pulled the knife from his eye and buried it in his throat next. He gurgled a few times, and Kes felt her wife's elation as her foe died beneath her. For what he'd done, Anara thought, felt to the deepest parts of her, there was nothing else but this she could have done to answer it. It was right. It was all that she ever could have done.

The sharp, stinging pain in her knee working to sober her now that the struggle was done, Anara groaned and looked out at the street before her. The woman from across the way was looking at her, at them, frozen in shock for now. Kes saw it through Anara's eyes and sent her thoughts out, forcing the woman to forget, to go back into her house and forget what she'd seen. The woman was across the street and had a stubborn, set mind, but Kes knew she had to do it, despite both those barriers. The woman couldn't tell what she'd seen and Kes absolutely refused to even consider the possibility of killing her to keep her quiet. She was past sick and tired of killing and death and she wanted no further part of it. Not ever again. She pressed and forced the woman's mind to bend, to forget. It was like walking against a strong desert wind under the hot sun, but, inch by inch, she pushed through, putting what extra effort she could into making sure she hurt the woman as little as possible.

Finally, something gave and the woman looked around as if she'd forgotten how she'd got where she was. She muttered something to herself about getting too old and went back inside, intent on finishing the laundry.

Kes sagged and collapsed to the floor. She felt the vibration of steps crossing the floor and vaguely felt the press of Anara's fear and worry and guilt. Kes wanted to tell her it was alright, that it was going to be alright, that she didn't blame her, that she understood, even though she hardly felt like she could understand anything at all at the moment, as tired as she was. She hurt, her whole body felt like it hurt somehow. She had to sleep, she thought blearily... and, so thinking, so it happened.

* * *

Kes dreamt of her wife, that she was her wife. That she wasn't herself at all anymore. She, Anara, got to her knees next to Kes and reached out for her, tears falling from her eyes. She looked at her hand though, saw she was still holding the bloody knife and tossed it aside, touching her wife's face hesitantly. "Zaraya...?" She asked softly. She was near panic. Kes was... gone, just gone... She sensed for her, and could tell she was there, inside her body... maybe even... inside both of their bodies? She wasn't there, but, at the same time, she was. Just... out of her reach somehow? But... Anara looked over at Miteza and saw her sister's thoughts as she was trying to drag Cagen inside and not making much headway. Unreasoning hate flashed over Anara's mind again, and satisfaction that she'd killed the object of her hate. She shook her head, feeling dazed all of the sudden, and looked down at Kes again. She took a breath and got up to go help her sister bring in the body. She had to. Kes wouldn't be safe unless she did, none of them would.

"Let me help." She offered.

Miteza looked up at her, fear flashing over her moment, but it quickly turned to... something else. Acceptance? Anara wasn't sure. She didn't have time to think though, she just helped Miteza get Cagen's body inside, Miteza hurrying to close the door once that was done. Anara sensed Miteza turn to see her son, armed, at the foot of the stairs, looking at them and Cagen with confusion and at her with wariness. To Artem's mind, women weren't supposed to fight and kill, especially not against men. Kes had been one thing, but to him, Kes was an alien, possibly a divine being of some kind, and that meant that normal convention didn't necessarily apply to her. He looked down at Kes, saw her vulnerable, and his mind skipped a beat again. He'd seen her as... something that was... invincible.

Anara closed her eyes and tried to center her thoughts, to not think and feel what her sister and nephew were thinking and feeling. It was harder than it had been, even though the outside thoughts weren't as strong a press against her as they had been before. Kes, Anara realized... Kes had been protecting her from this. How could she still be hearing their thoughts and feelings though? Kes... Had Kes given her some of the power she had, or was their connection still that strong even though her wife was so deeply unconscious? She didn't know. Couldn't know. She squeezed her eyes shut and forced herself to stop, just to stop thinking about what and why and her sister or her nephew. Just Kes. She had to think about just Kes.

She breathed in and out, once, twice, three times, then opened her eyes and saw Miteza looking at her. The question was obvious, even though her sister didn't speak. Why had she just killed this man? Anara groaned once more at having gotten caught up in her sister's mind again. She couldn't waste time. She sent Miteza the answer, sent Artem the answer too, as she got back down on the floor and cradled Kes to her, starting to rock a little without entirely meaning to. She felt such a yawning absence in her mind. Kes was there, but she wasn't. There was no pain, no true absence, yet things weren't right at all. She wasn't right, and neither was Kes. It wasn't right for them to be apart like this, for Kes's thoughts and feelings to be so removed from her, to be so... out of reach. She felt somehow claustrophobic, closed in... A part of her wanted to push her mind back into Kes's mind, by force if she had to, but at the same time the idea was abhorrent to her, utterly impossible. She couldn't hurt Kes, it would destroy her to do that. It was impossible, as frustrating as it had been to have her eyesight become more and more blurred and indistinct by the day. She'd thought she'd never have to feel that way again after what Kes had done for her, but she was feeling it now. She was helpless... again.

As Anara was thinking these things, Miteza and Artem saw. They saw Kes on a man's bed on her back. They saw the man paying two other men for her, saw him carrying a struggling Kes back to his house, to his bed, saw him unzip his pants, saw what he wanted to do, heard his voice telling her things, felt Kes lash out and flee...

Anara had seen all of those things too, it had all been there when she'd seen Cagen's face through Miteza's eyes. The face of the man who had tried to rape her wife. She'd never experienced anger like that before. Never felt such a complete and all-consuming need for violence and murder before. It was relatively rare among the females of her kind, but she knew that a Kazon male could go into a deep rage in a similar way if his wife were ever threatened or violated by another man. No male could violate another male's wife, or even a male's husband (even as looked down upon on as male/male relationships often were among her people), that way without cost if it became known. If it happened, it wouldn't even be uncommon for a group of males to beat the guilty to death. The law of Two was sacred to all her race, and those who broke it were never shown mercy if their crimes were discovered. And it was sacred to her as well, Anara realized. Because she'd felt it. She felt it in a way she'd never understood it before. Felt the wrath of it from the depths of her soul, written indelibly into her blood and bones, and known it was right and essential to her every breath to kill the man who'd threatened and mistreated her wife. Even now, a part of her wanted badly to pick her knife back up desecrate his corpse, cut it apart and burn it unto ashes until the stain of him was gone entirely. It seemed anathema to her for even his corpse to be allowed continued existence.

She felt a growl rumble up from deep in her throat and she realized that she was rocking back and forth too much. She pinched her eyes closed and forced herself to breathe again. To think of Kes, and only of Kes. In and out, one breath, another breath.

"You stood well for her." Artem's voice broke through her focus. She looked up and saw him crouching in front of her. She saw his thoughts, couldn't think how to stop herself from seeing his thoughts. He respected her for what she'd done, greatly. She felt that from Miteza now too, now that they both knew why she'd acted as she had. Miteza was... proud of her. Proud that she was her sister, and inspired by her courage and strength of body and will. Anara smiled a little to herself, but felt guilt override her pride at knowing that she'd been reckless, so very reckless that Kes had been forced to push herself past her limits to protect them from what she'd done...

If she'd only lured Cagen inside, or... or even... even let Miteza send him on his way, then... The thought was lithesome. That he'd escape her. She searched herself and wasn't at all sure she'd ever be able to think as rationally as that if a similar situation ever occurred. In fact, just considering the possibility of it ever occurring again came very close to shutting down her rational mind all over again. She realized she was growling again and holding Kes too tightly against her body. She forced herself to relax her grip. She picked Kes up gently in her arms and carried her over to the sofa and set her down.

Rest. Anara realized. Kes needed rest. She could give that to her. She sat there on the floor next to her. Miteza and Artem were giving them space. Time. She was thankful for that. She tried to calm her still-racing blood. She was staring at Kes's sleeping face and it felt impossible to look away. She needed to help Miteza and Artem deal with the body. She needed to think about what to do next. She... needed... She touched Kes's hair, cupped her cheek gently. It was impossible. She'd... she'd never thought it could be possible to love someone like this. To... to love someone as much, even more than she loved her own children, but... she did. She loved the woman before her in an... an impossible way. It was like she was in a trance, just looking at Kes, touching her hair. She found herself smiling, just a small smile. Time just seemed to... fade away...

Then there was a hand on her shoulder and she blinked.

"Si... Sister?" Miteza asked softly.

Anara took a deep breath and forced her eyes closed. She sighed and turned away. "I'm here. I'm sorry." She told her, taking another deep breath and closing her eyes. She looked around the room and noticed that Artem was gone again. She sensed him and her son upstairs, Artem keeping Vastu occupied so he wouldn't come downstairs and see what had happened.

Anara met her sister's eyes and smiled a little hesitantly to her. "She's only sleeping. It took much from her to force Cagen not to scream and to force the woman across the way not to remember what she saw... I... I should have been more prudent." She admitted.

Miteza shook her head. "She is... She is your wife." Miteza told her softly. "Artem was right, you... You stood for her well."

Anara sighed. "Thank you... I just..." She shook her head again. "We need to make plans. We need to decide what to do with his body."

"The house has a storage seller?" Miteza offered.

Anara met her eyes again and nodded. "Agreed." The smell of him wouldn't become obvious for days that way.

It was quiet work, and awkward and frustrating to get the body down the small stairwell, but, between the two of them, they managed it well enough. The job done, Miteza sat against the cellar wall to catch her breath. She was gazing at Cagen's body and becoming lost in thought again. Anara noticed that her sister tended to do that a lot. She found it an endearing trait. She was daydreaming about what it would be like to have a wife. One like Kes, because it would have to be one like Kes. It couldn't be another Kazon, not with where they were going. She wondered if it would make her brave and bold and strong too. She wondered also what it would feel like, to bed another woman, to have a life with her. A simple life. A simple family. To... just be happy.

"I... I can show you, if you... if you'd want that?" Anara offered softly.

Miteza blinked out of her thoughts and looked over to her. Anara had sat down cross-legged on the floor across the body from her. "Show me what?" Miteza asked, curious.

"What it's like. To... to have a life with another woman. Even... what it's like to bed with her, if you want?" Anara explained.

Miteza blinked again. "I... but... How can you?" She asked. "I hadn't... You showed us before, didn't you? I hadn't thought. You shouldn't have been able to, Kes..." It was a testament to the stress they were both under that Miteza hadn't made this connection before now.

"I still share her power." Anara told her. "I don't know how exactly, but... I feel she's... She's still with me somehow, only... I can't reach her anymore. She... She just needs to rest I think..." Anara trailed off, trying not to think about it. She couldn't not think about it of course, but she was just managing not to go back to her. Just managing to stay here with Miteza and talk, when all she really wanted right now was to hold her wife.

They were both quiet for long moments. "Yes." Miteza finally said in a meek sort of voice.

"Yes to what?" Anara asked, wanting to be sure. She didn't know if it was the right thing to have offered what she'd offered, but she had offered it, and she wasn't going to go back on her word.

"All." Miteza answered, managing to meet her eyes again. "Show me all of what you offered. I want... I want to know." She told her, even though Anara could tell easily that she wasn't quite as sure of herself as she was trying to sound.

Anara nodded, getting up and going over to her sister, sitting next to her against the wall. "Give me your hand?" Anara asked gently.

Miteza did and Anara closed her eyes, letting time fall away. She remembered, and she let Miteza remember with her. She remembered Kes sharing a bed with her that first night they'd been together. Remembered touching her face for the first time. Remembered her voice, and how very beautiful it sounded when Kes spoke just to her. She remembered Kes's touch, her kindness, her strength... She remembered telling stories to their children, playing games, singing songs, having meals... missing her when she'd left, longing for her to return, laying with her in the sun... She remembered touching her, being touched... being claimed, and claiming her wife in return... Yearning, passion, need, love... sweat, caught breath, shivering with desire, feeling completion, feeling...

Anara blinked her eyes open groggily. She felt tired, so tired... They had only been memories, not real, not even shared with the person she most wanted to share them with. Kes felt so far away. She'd reached for her while she'd been remembering, Anara realized, but it hadn't worked, it had only further tired her out... She felt a weight against her shoulder. She turned and realized her sister had fallen asleep against her shoulder, a blissful smile on her lips. Anara sighed and leaned her head back against the wall, looking up at the gloomy ceiling above her. She felt... miserable. Tears fell down her cheeks and she wiped them away. She missed her wife, she missed her children... without Kes, she couldn't even pick up the vaguest sense of Lanam, as far away as she was, and that was an absence that was taking a lot out of her too... Lanam and Tresit were completely safe though, she told herself and tried to force herself to believe it unwaveringly. It only marginally eased her worries. To love, she'd long since bitterly learned, was the greatest joy, but could also bring you the most pain. It's what being a mother was, and, she knew now, it was also what being a wife was. She wanted that happy life back, the one she'd shown her sister just now. She wanted the life that was waiting for them across the desert and under the ground. She wanted this to be over.

...It couldn't be though, could it? Not yet. She was tired, weary, and Kes was more so and needed her rest. The men would be back from the mines before long. She and her family would never have enough time to flee before then, not unless Kes woke up very soon, and Anara knew somehow that that would not happen. She knew also that it wouldn't be safe to try to wake her either. Her wife needed time. Maybe they both needed time.

It wasn't even close to ideal, but, she decided, they'd just have to stay here in Miteza's home overnight. She could take Kes with her to one of the beds and try to reach her in dreams, try to help her heal that way... Would Cagen be missed though? He'd lived alone, but he was important. He had Jabin's favor. No, he'd be missed. Or he likely would be. But would anyone have known where he'd gone? Would anyone come looking for him? ...No, she decided. Probably not tonight. The next day, the next evening perhaps. If he'd told anyone what he was about, they'd assume he'd been successful and was spending time with Miteza, wooing her, or comforting her in her loss, which would have undoubtedly amounted to the same thing in his eyes. She found her eyes trained on the corpse again, those feelings of hate towards him coming back. She kept a reign on them though, with effort.

She turned away and deliberately relaxed against the wall, closing her eyes and breathing, in and out, in and out.

Her plan had another benefit. If Thalla kept to what she'd done before, she'd return here to sleep tonight and they'd be able to leave in the morning as soon as the men left for the mines once more and the city was again much emptied. Without Kes, and with her as tired as she was, searching for Thalla was out of the question. She didn't want to consider what might happen if she got too far away from Kes. Could the distance break their connection? It was already less than it had been with Kes in the state she was. And, even if the connection held, the distance would have to put strain on it... and Kes had been put under more than enough strain as it had been...

She sat there for long moments, not thinking, just feeling. Regret, longing, love, guilt...

How would Kes see her now? Would... would what she'd done change things between them? She... didn't want to think so, but... but she wanted to know. She wanted Kes to wake up and kiss her, touch her, gaze into her eyes, be with her and tell her that everything would be alright soon... That they were still all they had been, that she... that she still loved her as she had before...

Her thoughts growing more and more miserable, she was glad for the distraction when Miteza woke next to her. "...How was it for you?" Anara asked, hesitantly.

Miteza blinked and smiled to herself. "I had no idea..." She spoke softly.

"...No idea of what?" Anara asked gently.

"That... that love could be like that..." Miteza admitted. "When... I was a girl... When Tulk and I..." She closed her eyes. "I thought the world of him, do you know?" She spoke. "I wanted nothing but to have him for myself. It wasn't real... It was never real... It was such a bitter thing for me as I came to realize that truth. But what you and Kes have, I think maybe that's what I wanted back then. Even though I had no words for it. I... I don't know if I can be that to someone else... but I... want to be... At least I... want to be..."

Anara took her sister's hand. "I have faith." She told her.

"In the Eight, you mean?" Miteza asked. "I know you always..." Miteza trailed off. She knew Anara's faith in the old ways, in the Eight gods and goddesses, in the stories her mother had told her. She and Anara had talked about those things once, in the before. Before Tulk had shattered their family so...

"In the Eight, yes... but also in you." She told her with quiet sincerity.

She felt the warmth her words gave to her sister and Anara felt better.

"Come on." Anara said. "We shouldn't sit down here with the dead, not for a minute more." She told her, getting to her feet and offering her hand to her sister.

Miteza took the offered hand and got to her feet too.

* * *

to be continued

and I'm always happy to get comments (even really short ones)


	36. Impossible Things (2)

Having come back up from the cellar, Anara and Miteza washed the blood away as much as they could. Miteza gave her some of her clean clothes to change into, and they cleaned the floor of blood again so it wouldn't be visible, on the hopefully very slim chance that someone else might come by to visit for whatever reason.

When that was finally done, Anara and her sister called Artem and Vastu down. They sat in a circle. She and Miteza had discussed this as they'd worked, Anara's plan of staying overnight and leaving the next day. Now they'd tell the children.

"...I think I should go out to look for her anyway." Artem put forward once she and Miteza had explained what their plans were.

Anara looked to Miteza in question.

"It won't hurt to try, and I don't need supernatural abilities to ask after her at the baker's. Besides... we only hope she'll come back tonight, we don't know that she will..." He looked to his mother. "She's stayed away before." He reminded her.

Miteza lowered her head. "You're right, elshyash... Go. Find her for me?" She asked, feeling that yearning to have her daughter safe and close again. It wasn't really a risk for Artem after all, there was no reason it should be. So, he was right.

Anara nodded. "Be safe." She told him simply, agreeing.

He nodded, got his strap of throwing knifes, and left. Miteza picked up Vastu and started to sing a song to him. She sat on the sofa next to Anara and their eyes met. Anara hesitantly started to sing too. It was a song she knew well, most Kazon did. She scooted closer to help entertain the son she'd once thought irrevocably lost to her and her spirits began to lift some.

As the evening went by, Anara had moved to the other couch and lay with Kes's head in her lap as she watched Miteza play a game of counting blocks with Vastu. He really was both of theirs, a son to both of them. It made her feel even closer to her sister.

Still, by the time Artem returned, her thoughts had wondered inevitably back to Kes. She was currently stroking her wife's hair and humming softly to her, sending her warm and soothing feelings. She'd about forgotten the rest of the world existed at one point, so enamored of the woman in her lap she'd let herself become. The sound of the door opening and closing was enough to rouse her from her peaceful state.

She and Miteza looked to him and he shook his head. "Caya and Janarin had already left for the day. Kaylin and his father were still there, but neither of them knew where Thalla was, or where Janarin lives for that matter." So it was as Miteza had said then, Janarin apparently didn't talk about herself very much with her employer either.

Miteza looked away, worry and guilt overtaking her. She still felt she'd failed her daughter somehow.

"It's alright. She may still come back before nightfall." Anara offered, gently extricating herself from her wife to go crouch by her sister, putting a hand on her shoulder and meeting her eyes. "We won't leave without her." Anara said softly. -And you haven't failed her, I have to believe that you haven't. You're a good mother, have faith in that.- Anara told her, taking her sister up in a hug when she seemed to very much need it.

-Thank you, sister.- Miteza thought back to her.

From there, she and Miteza prepared an evening meal for them all while Artem kept his nephew company.

It wasn't easy for Anara to concentrate and make herself eat, her thoughts drifting all too easily towards Kes or towards Lanam and Tresit, but she got through it. Conversation over the meal was sparse. They were all worried, but they were all also making an effort to stay hopeful.

Still, it was a relief when Artem took Vastu up to bed. Anara sat across from Miteza then, the tension obvious in the air between them.

"...Darkness has fallen." Miteza spoke in a quiet dread- and worry-filled voice.

"Kes will wake up tomorrow. If Thalla isn't home by then, we'll... We will find her, Miteza, I promise it." She told her sister with as much quiet certainty as she could rally. She had started to feel Kes now though, like the far off glow of a promised sunrise. She couldn't place how she knew exactly, but she did know that her wife was coming back to her. Kes would be there for her tonight, when she joined her in dreams. They would find each other again there. The more she thought about it, the more it became as solid and sure to her as the air in her lungs.

"...You can't promise such a thing. No one could." Miteza replied, feeling better despite that.

Anara smiled, and it didn't feel like it was her smile alone, or her words alone when she spoke. "But I promise it nonetheless." She told her sister, comforted by the barest hint of her wife's voice that she heard in her own spoken words.

Miteza smiled to her. "Thank you... You should lay down to rest. Tomorrow will be a hard day, no matter what happens. Take Kes up to my bed, it's yours for the night. I'll... I'll just stay here a little while longer."

Anara gazed at her sister a long moment. "...I could stay with you a little while more, if you want?" She asked, though her heart wasn't truly in the offer.

Miteza shook her head. "No, you go... Be with her. Anyone could see that you need that..." She told her.

Anara met her sister's eyes a moment more and then nodded, getting up and carefully taking Kes in her arms, cradling her to her and walking over towards the stairs. As tired as she was, it would be a strain to carry her up to the second floor, but it was a strain that she was happily looking forward to feeling. Before she went though, she paused a moment. "Promise me...? Promise me you won't let your thoughts grow too bleak?" She asked softly.

"...I... I promise." Miteza spoke, though Anara could tell from her thoughts that her sister wasn't so sure she'd be able to keep the promise entirely. She would try though, and, really, that was all Anara could hope for.

"Sleep well, sister." Anara told her as she went up the stairs with her wife.

"Sleep well..." Miteza's voice followed her.

All was silence as Anara carried Kes upstairs and into Miteza's room. The lighting came on as she entered, and it felt more than a little strange to her, being back in a home that had such things as automatic lighting. Stranger still, she realized, was that she'd been here before, or, not her, Kes had been here before... Memories came to her, of rushing into this room and seeing their son about to be murdered by Artem, Tulk's dead body on the bed before her...

Anara shook her head. She'd... never experienced that memory before. How had she done so now? -Kes?- She asked her wife in thought-speak. Kes didn't stir or answer, and she didn't feel her wife's presence any more than she had been feeling it. She walked to the bed and gently set Kes down on it. Anara got on the bed too and tucked her legs up under her as she sat next to her wife. Her finger's automatically began stroking Kes's hair. She closed her eyes and thought about what she'd just remembered. She opened her eyes and gazed down and her wife's peaceful sleeping face. She touched her face in a caress and was enamored all over again by how beautiful she was, how completely amazing it felt to be with her... -An impossible thing,- she thought to herself again, -how I love you so...-

It wasn't impossible though, not even a little, was it? So many things weren't, that, once, she wouldn't have thought to consider could even occur, even in a story. What else could happen? What else could she remember of the woman she loved? She let her thoughts drift a little, and remembered walking along the water when she was young with her friends, with Tae and Lona, and talking about gardening. Tae's smile... The depths of Lona's eyes... They all laughed when Tae told them a joke that her father had told her yesterday. What had the joke been, she wondered? And... just like that, she was herself again, and the memory faded. She could still remember it, but not any more of it. Not what the joke had been.

She yawned and rubbed the back of her neck with her fingers. She felt pressure at the back of her head. Weariness and stress and guilt and worry. She'd been holding it all back for too long. She groaned a little to herself and forced herself to get up and take her clothing off. Undressing Kes took more effort, but, in time, she got them both under the bed covers and, with profound relief and exhaustion, snuggled up against her wife and let herself fall off into sleep. It wasn't hard at all. The hard thing had been staying awake as long as she had, when what she'd wanted most of all was this.

* * *

Anara seemed to wake then. She wondered what had gone wrong... She didn't feel tired anymore. Kes was next to her, still asleep... She closed her eyes and let her thoughts drift. Something felt different though. Kes felt closer, and the world around her felt... empty... She couldn't sense even the echoes of others' stray thoughts. Was she dreaming after all? Yes, she recognized at last, she was... but that was good, wasn't it? She blinked her eyes open and sat up in bed, looking around, as if to confirm that this was truly the dream she'd sought. She was not in the bed at Miteza's home, but the cot in her own home, in the home she'd shared with Kes and their children...

She looked around the room. All was still but for a light, pleasant breeze from outside. It was dusk. The light fading. No life anywhere around, except for the steady rising and falling of her wife's chest, the beat of her heart, the faint sound of her breath, the warmth of her body next to hers... "My love..." She spoke, touching her wife's hair, her skin in a caress.

She brought her hand down to join with Kes's, entwining her fingers with her wife's. "Please... come back to me?" She softly entreated.

Kes made a soft noise and, groggily, her eyes opened. She felt disoriented, looking down at herself, and out of her own eyes at Anara simultaneously. Which was she? Kes, or Anara? She shifted in bed and looked up into Anara's eyes, their gazes meeting. Anara looked into her eyes, Kes looked back, and slowly, just slowly, Kes realized for certain who she was again.

She remembered everything that had happened with perfect clarity. The man, Cagen, coming to Miteza's door, and... all that had gone after. She remembered being Anara too... She remembered dropping the bloody knife and cradling her own body on the floor, remembered Miteza's fright and her unasked question, remembered giving her and her son an answer... remembered guilt and sorrow and fury and hate and longing... remembered helping her sister carry a body down into a cellar and talking with her with a dead man laying between them. Remembered going to her, sitting next to her, being asked a question, and giving memories that were her own but not in reply... She remembered talking with Artem and Vastu, and Artem going out into the city to the baker's to find his sister. She remembered waiting and she remembered shared songs and Vastu's smile... She remembered disappointment and a sister's worry for her missing daughter... and she remembered carrying her own body up the stairs and into bed... She remembered hope and misery and falling asleep so easily, only to find herself here, in the desert, with herself, with her wife again...

Kes smiled and, with effort, sat up. She saw Anara's worry and hope and unyielding love, and she felt it mirrored in her own heart, like it beat in her own chest. "Don't feel sad... Please don't feel sad for me. Not for what I might think of you either... I'll always love you, Anara, no matter what." She moved up and in and their lips met, hesitant at first, and then less so, as relief and understanding came. "We may not always see things the same ways, but I understand you, I accept and love you, want you... and you do that for me too, don't you?" Kes asked, close enough that they breathed each other's breaths.

"Always, zaraya, always and for all the rest of my life... I'll always be yours." Anara replied, relief and joy thrumming in her heart, and a growing beat of desire that had been too long denied. "Make love with me?" She asked softly, raw need threaded in the sound of her voice.

"Yes, mine..." Kes kissed her, pressing closer. "Yours..." She spoke between kisses. "Always yours..." She managed to gasp out before she couldn't speak anymore, and didn't want to as she was lain back on the bed. Their bodies moved together and Kes had the vague sense that their bodies in the waking world were acting as they were acting in dreams now. She felt that spark of burning lust that only really came from touch, real touch... Their kissing becoming an urgent and needful thing. Hands slid over warm, naked skin, their bodies pressing together, grinding into one another, touching each other in long familiar and heady ways...

* * *

A timeless time later, still in dreams, Kes found herself kissing her wife in a field of grass, the faint sounds nature around them. Their kissing was slowing and, at length stopped, the breath between them shared as they gazed into each other's eyes and the harmony that had grown between them again faded into the background, still there, but less than it had been... far less, Kes thought, a completely happy smile coming to her lips. "I'm sorry..." Anara told her softly. "For being as... as impetuous as I was. I hurt you... It's the last thing I'd ever want..."

"You didn't hurt me..." Kes replied, gazing up into her wife's eyes with a complete devotion that she could easily see mirrored in Anara's gaze. "You protected me, defended me... You... You avenged me." Kes told her. It was a strange feeling, that she felt the concept so alien and so altogether familiar all at once. From her time as... as being her wife, she felt she understood her more now, understood this part of her more now than she had before. She was glad of that, even though she was... still not entirely comfortable with it. She knew that Anara had done what she had because of love. That she, in fact, was driven to it because of that, and because something about the essential nature of being Kazon meant that she all but had to act that way under circumstances like that. She felt the echoes of that bone- and blood-deep need to kill... and, she considered, would she really act so very differently if someone had tried to do what Cagen had tried to do to her to Anara? No... Not so different. She wouldn't find joy it doing it as Anara had, or feel the need and hate so very deeply, but... She'd do it anyway, even if it disgusted her. She'd kill. For that, she'd kill.

Anara smiled serenely down at her, and Kes wouldn't have needed their mental link to tell that her words had taken a weight from her wife's shoulders that had still been there. "I love you... More than I think I could ever explain, I love you, Kes..." Anara told her, laying down against her and kissing her skin gently, closing her eyes and taking in her scent again.

Kes looked up upon the dreamland sky. "It seemed so far away, impossibly far sometimes..."

"The sky, you mean?" Anara replied, not bothering to open her eyes or move away from her wife. Anara could still see just as easily though her wife's eyes as she could her own, it had become second nature for her.

"Mm, yes..." Kes answered. "Now... Now though, it's the other way around, isn't it? And what used to be home for me... now seems as far away to me as the sky did back then. I can hardly imagine what it will... feel like, to go back there. To see my parents again, to see my friends..."

"I met them, I think... in a memory of yours, while you were away..." Anara said. "I liked them... Even... Even Tae..." Kes could tell it was somewhat disquieting for her wife to admit to that. "I should want you to have nothing to do with her, I know that I should."

"Maybe." Kes allowed, closing her eyes and snuggling up closer with her wife, kissing her skin. She wondered how much of what she was doing, what they were doing, they were also doing in the waking world in Miteza's bed. If she concentrated, she might be able to sense the waking world as she had before, but she didn't really want to...

"I don't though... Because it feels almost as if I loved her once upon a time too. She's... She's a part of you, and I love you, so... I think I want to meet her. And Lona, and the rest. Do you... Do you think they'll like me? Accept me? Our family?" She asked, opening her eyes as Kes turned her over onto her back and looked down into her trusting eyes.

"I hope they will. I'm almost completely sure Lona will, at least, if no one else." Kes said. "I... I don't think I ever completely knew who Tae truly was, let alone who she might be now, presumably married with a home of her own, perhaps even a family of her own... It was... I don't think I could ever quite see past my hopes, my feelings for her... The future I imagined we could have together..." Kes considered. "I know I see you truly though, I feel you deep in my heart..."

Happy tears fell from Anara's eyes and gently wiped them away, Anara pulling her down into a kiss. They rolled over onto their sides and just enjoyed being together again, after having been torn apart as much as they had.

* * *

to be continued

and I'm always happy to get comments (even really short ones)


	37. Impossible Things (3)

As the run rose the next morning, they were still kissing as they woke. Kes stopped, blinked her eyes open as the waking world came back to her. She saw it on her wife's face too, and looked around the newly sunbathed room, propping herself up on one elbow. She looked back down at Anara next to her and lowered herself down to her once more, kissing her again before this fleeting chance could be taken away from them. She felt a thrumming hunger for this inside her and kissed her wife, made love with her like this might be the last chance they'd have to... because, truthfully, it might be. Yesterday, what had happened with Cagen, it had taught Kes, if nothing else, just how easily and just how fast things could go very wrong.

* * *

Later, calm and happy and very satiated, Kes lay in her wife's arms and hummed to herself in appreciation of her life. As perilous as her journey had been so far, what had just happened between her and Anara would make everything worth it. More than worth it...

Anara giggled happily. "I'm for certain taking that thought as the complete best complement I have ever received." She spoke.

Kes opened her eyes. "I can do better." She told her, looking down into her eyes and feeling suddenly like she could easily do everything they'd just done all over again.

There was a knock on the door and Anara growled. Kes laughed. "Do you think I should take that growl as the same sort of complement, then?"

Anara sighed and laid back on the bed. "Unquestionably you should..." She said, closing her eyes and trying, trying, trying not to despise her sister for the grievous theft she'd just perpetrated on her.

Kes sat up and looked down fondly at her wife, a playful smile coming to her lips momentarily. "I'll go talk with her." She offered.

Anara closed her eyes and snuggled into bed, wanting to have Kes tell Miteza to go away, but knowing they really couldn't afford the time. She consoled herself that soon they would have a nice house with a private room and time enough to use that fact to their advantage on a regular basis.

Kes smiled and her skin heated a little at her wife's dreamy thoughts.

She got up though, wrapping one of the sheets around her, and went to the door, opening it a little. "Good morning." Kes offered.

Miteza looked relieved. "Then you are recovered, after all."

"I am." Kes replied. "Has... Has Thalla returned?" She asked, only belatedly realizing she could sense out with her thoughts and be able to tell that easily enough. She and Anara hadn't been mentally watching the area around the house while they'd slept, they couldn't do that and sleep at the same time, and, truthfully, neither of them had thought to start again so far this morning. Kes wasn't looking forward to having to let in so many thoughts again, but was resigned that she would have to. They were lucky that nothing had happened during the night, but it had simply been a risk they'd had no choice but to take.

Miteza looked down and shook her head. "She hasn't." She said simply, her voice quieter than it had been.

Kes touched her sister's shoulder, then cupped her cheek when their eyes met again. "I'll find her. I promise." Kes told her softly, with surety in her voice.

Miteza nodded, a little shyness and insecurity coming over her. "I... have the morning meal prepared?" She offered.

Kes gave her a kind, empathetic smile. "That's very appreciated. Give us a few minutes and we'll get dressed and be down to join you?" She asked.

Miteza nodded and smiled a little wonderingly at what she must know had gone on inside the room Kes and Anara were in, then she turned and went back downstairs.

Kes closed the door and laughed just a little to herself. She looked up and saw Anara sitting cross-legged on the bed. Their eyes met and Kes's gaze involuntarily dropped to her wife's exposed chest and she swallowed and let her sheet drop to the floor. She met Anara's eyes again and found them hungry. Alright, she considered, so perhaps dropping her sheet on the floor like she had hadn't been the best idea after all. Or, by rights, it should have been, but it just wasn't now.

She sighed, closed her eyes, and met Anara's now somewhat dejected eyes.

Kes smiled and raced over to her, got on the bed, and kissed her, long and thoroughly, tumbling with her back onto the bed. They spent a few minutes like that until Anara wound up on top straddling her and stopped, looking down into her eyes, eyes dancing with happiness. "I needed that, I think." Anara said softly.

Kes laughed. "Me too." She said.

Anara sighed and got off of her, and sat. Kes sat too. "So, we should get ready for the day and go eat? That would be the right thing to do right now?" She asked.

Anara nodded. "It would."

They sat there, looking at each other a long moment longer and then, by silent accord, both got out of bed.

* * *

A little later, Kes trailed after her wife as they went downstairs, the scents of a freshly prepared meal enticing them onwards.

Kes's thoughts were troubled, and more than just for the anticipation of the day ahead's dangers. She didn't want her thoughts to be so troubled, but they were, and she supposed it was no great surprise. So much had happened, and, though she felt much recovered, she could still feel the lingering strain in her mind from what she'd done yesterday. Anara wasn't doing much better that way than she was either, and because of their bond, she felt that as much as she felt her own troubles. She needed time, she told herself, they both did, just time to process... everything. And time they would have that time, she told herself. Soon. She and Anara just needed to hold everything together and be as strong, wise, and brave for their family as they could until... until they wouldn't need to be so much anymore.

Then they could just have a life, maybe even go for a walk together somewhere other than only in their dreams...

She met her wife's eyes and saw that Anara understood and that did a lot to make her feel more optimistic and sure of things.

Miteza was in the kitchen, Artem setting out plates, and Vastu in the living area looking out the front window between the curtains, watching for his sister. Kes knew about that because she and Anara had started keeping watch mentally again, and their family's thoughts were once again, unavoidably, an open book to them. A more profound relief than even knowing that no one in the vicinity knew about them or meant them harm was the fact that, with their minds in harmony again, they could feel Lanam like they'd been able to before. They knew she was safe... if increasingly worried for them. Holding hands together before they'd come downstairs, they'd just managed to send a message of comfort to her. Not words, they were much too far away for that. Lanam had just received a feeling that they'd hoped she would understand. To their relief, their daughter had seemed to, because her worry had lessened greatly after that, and they'd even felt joy from her.

The harmony between them was proving a challenge to maintain since then though, so their range wasn't as much as it could be right now. Kes didn't know exactly why that was, but she hoped that, as they day went on, they'd work through the difficulty together. The time might come soon, after all, when they could need to have all their strength about them to defend their loved ones, or even each other.

Anara had gone into the living area after Vastu and Kes leaned against the kitchen counter, watching the scene, as Miteza brought out the food.

"Vastu?" Anara asked softly. He looked up to her.

"Momma?" He asked.

He'd started calling her that last night. Some part of him had remembered her, had known her, she could sense that it had. He'd accepted her back in his life quickly because of that. She'd sent him a few of her memories of him too, and sent him how she'd felt giving her over to Miteza to care for. He still called Miteza his mother too, of course, but that was only right and good, in her opinion. She liked that she and her sister shared that.

"We'll bring her home today, you'll see." Anara told him, sitting down next to him and taking him up in her arms.

"...I miss her..." Vastu said simply. He and Thalla had a close bond, it was obvious to see, even without their mental powers telling them so as clearly as they were.

"I know, elshyash. I know." Anara said, standing up with him in her arms and carrying him over to towards Kes and the table where they were to eat their morning meal together. Soon, in under an hour, the men would all be going off to the mine and Kes and Artem would be free to find Thalla and bring her home.

Kes blinked and Anara passed close to her on her way to the table. It had happened again. She'd... almost become Anara. She'd felt and spoken right along with her without even meaning to, losing her own sense of self in the process. It hadn't been as deep an immersion as before, but it had happened without Kes realizing it or consciously meaning for it to happen. It had felt so easy and natural to her. She'd... She'd liked it, she realized, surprised. She'd liked that feeling. She wouldn't want to feel it all the time, but... it had been nice.

She'd perhaps have to be careful of it, she considered... but, as long as it only happened every now and then, she didn't see the harm in it. She'd have to talk about it with Anara later though. Anara met her eyes then, and Kes, of course, knew that Anara had realized what had happened at the same time Kes had. Anara smiled to her to let her know everything was fine with her, with them, and Kes smiled back. As she went over to sit down though, Kes couldn't help but think that, if everything really were fine, why was harmony more difficult for them now?

Miteza sat down just a moment after she had, Artem already seated.

Anara met her eyes again then, and she could tell easily that her wife was worried too.

* * *

to be continued

and I'm always happy to get comments (even really short ones)


	38. Under A Desert Sky (1)

The thoughts around her were like shifting flares of light, blown on the wind. They didn't usually feel that way, but they did now. She'd never used her abilities like this before though, so it made sense that it might be a different sensory experience for her.

Kes was darting through the city streets, Artem close behind her. They'd started out heading for Garlis's bakery, hoping to find Janarin there. Hoping Janarin would be able to tell them where Thalla was. As they'd gotten closer though, Kes had extended her mind out to search for Thalla ahead of their arrival. She'd found five people in the building, their location recognizable easily from the sense of the scent of baking bread she got from the minds of the people there, and, of course, by their thoughts about bread.

There had been two men (Garlis and his son Kaylin, Kes had assumed). The others had been female. Janarin, Kes had soon recognized because she'd been thinking of baking, which she was currently engaged in doing, and about Thalla, who had gone through so much and she wanted to help feel better. The other two women had been a woman and her daughter, there to buy bread for their family. With her thoughts focused on Janarin, and her moving towards the girl who was her destination, the other thoughts around her had taken on that more ethereal moving light-like quality. She saw them, assessed if they were dangerous or too close, and moved accordingly, all the while keeping one singular point of contact before her, with Anara's connection to her, strong and thriving, continually energizing her from where she'd come from. It felt like she was moving along a lit path that shifted with her as she chose her way forward.

They were a few blocks away when Janarin told Kaylin that she was going to take a break, go for a walk, and have her breakfast. Kes's eyes opened a little wider when she realized that Janarin intended to take enough food for two and share her breakfast with Thalla, her best friend.

-She's leaving.- She spoke mind-to-mind to Artem. -She's bringing Thalla breakfast. We're following her.-

Kes could sense Artem's palpable relief that his sister was unharmed and that they'd found her. He gave his assent and continued to follow along as Kes made her way carefully through the city's streets and alleyways. Her route was more circuitous than Janarin's, to avoid areas where the risk of being seen would be too great, but Kes had a solid, if entirely passive, link built with Janarin's mind now, and was very sure she wouldn't lose track of her.

On the way there, Kes paused and looked up. A ship was coming in for a landing across town. This was the first time she'd been so close when one had arrived. They were far enough away from that part of the city though that Kes wasn't too concerned, but, all in all, it wasn't necessarily a good thing.

Several tense and wary minutes later, Kes and Artem arrived outside of an old building that looked like it was lived it and well kept up, though some of the buildings around it definitely looked abandoned. They were getting close to the part of the city farthest from the mines with the most unused buildings though, so that wasn't a surprise. Kes read from Janarin's mind that this was where she lived with her brother... and his husband.

They lived out here because, while male/male couples were largely tolerated, they weren't exactly generally well-thought of, and it was often wisest to do little to call attention to yourselves if you were in such a coupling.

Janarin, Kes was fast realizing, had fallen in love with Thalla, or at least that's how she thought she felt... like she wanted to marry her when they were older, and be like her brother and his husband were. Like she wanted very much to kiss her, and to be able to protect her and keep her for herself. She hadn't spoken of what she wanted, except to her brother in private. Her brother had blamed himself, because he had been his sister's only example. He didn't think it was wrong of course, quite the opposite in fact, but he was still scared of what could happen to his sister because of it. Thalla didn't know, or, at least, Janarin hoped that she didn't know. Female/female couples, after all, tended not to be tolerated at all if they were discovered. Some sects were better about it than others, having been more influenced by other races that they traded with, her brother had told her. The Ogla, their own sect, weren't the worst about this, but were far from the best. Migrating to a different, more tolerant, sect wasn't a very good option though, because leaving your sect to join another usually wasn't easy to accomplish. Especially not under the Ogla's current maj, who valued loyalty highly. It could sometimes be a death sentence if not handled correctly. As things stood, at best, assuming Thalla even might return her feelings, if discovered, she and Thalla would be given or sold to interested males 'for their own good'. At worst, they could be badly beaten or even murdered.

Janarin was scared of that, less for herself than she was for Thalla. The thought of Thalla being hurt because of her was too painful to ever let happen. So, she was going to be Thalla's friend, and, unless things changed, that was all. And Thalla needed her now. Her brother had told her yesterday that he'd consider fleeing with her and Thalla to try to immigrate to a non-Kazon society. He'd heard of a planet named Sikaris that was known to welcome refugees, but it was far away and getting there wouldn't be easy. He said they might be able to book passage on one of the trade ships though, or even possibly one of the many ships that the array had been bringing to the area recently. He knew a trader named Nelix for example that he was pretty sure he could convince, for a reasonable price, to get them off the planet and on their way.

Janarin had told him that she'd think about it, and she was. It would certainly constitute things changing, and it was very, very tempting to think about for her. Could she risk it though? Was it too selfish a thing to want? Was it even possible that Thalla would want to go away with her? Would she feel the same way about her? Would she leave her family, even if she did? Could she even ask her to do that?

Kes was struck by how similar Janarin's thoughts were to thoughts she herself had once had about Tae. It was very easy to empathize with her. Kes smiled a little to herself. She could give this girl a third option, she told herself. She could take her with them, even her brother and his husband too, if they wanted. Except, Kes slowed... This was actually a problem, wasn't it? Not just a kindness she could do for a kindred spirit. Janarin's brother, Oreth, and his husband (also Janarin's brother by marriage), Vashin, were both working in the mines right now. Assuming Janarin wanted to take her up on the offer, waiting to talk with her brothers would mean postponing their return to Lanam and Tresit for another day and all the risks that would entail. Cagen would be missed soon after all, and it could well be only be a matter of time until that led those looking for him to Miteza's door. Likewise, splitting Janarin and Thalla up by taking only Thalla away wasn't something she wanted to consider either... Anara could possibly guide Miteza and Vastu here to wait for Janarin's brothers to return, but...

Kes sighed and resigned herself to simply deciding what to do when the time came. It wasn't only her own decision after all, though Anara was, at this moment, already starting to pack their things in case it came to that. Kes felt a small pull then, like the pull towards the unconscious shifting of position you might do while sitting, to slip into being Anara again. Disturbed, but still also unable to help from being enamored of how it would feel to give into that again, Kes was able to easily reject the pull, and actually felt like she was getting a better handle on the issue. Stopping it from happening had been easy, it was only a matter of being able to tell before it happened. She'd felt it this time, so if could tune herself to watch for the same feeling going forward, she'd be able to prevent it from causing problems. Anara knew the signs now too, and would also be watchful. Kes and Anara both refocused on the moment they were in, and the harmony they needed for strength.

So, checking one more time that they were safe to approach, Kes and Artem went to Janarin's door and sounded the chime to announce themselves. A couple moments later, Janarin's head poked out of the door hesitantly. She visibly relaxed when she recognized Artem. "Artem? What are you...?" Her voice trailed off as she caught sight of Kes behind him, her eyes traveling up to meet Kes's regard. Her mouth hung open a little. "An alien?" She asked, clearly a little in awe. Kes could see in her mind that Janarin thought her beautiful.

Kes smiled. "Hello... My name is Kes. I'm happy to meet you. I... think we might have a lot in common, actually."

Janarin opened the door more, considering. "In common?" She asked as Thalla, having recognized her brother's name, had come to the door too. Kes felt reluctance on her part. Thalla didn't want to talk to Artem. She hadn't agreed with his decision to go after Tresit. Privately, though she hadn't dared say so to her family, she'd been thankful to Tresit for killing her father. Or, not grateful that he'd killed him exactly, more just grateful that her father was gone and couldn't make everyone around him miserable anymore, especially her mother. She'd hated him, for a lot of reasons, but she hadn't... She hadn't thought he could be a murderer. Though... after having thought it out, she'd been forced to admit that she'd mostly thought that because she hadn't wanted to think she could have come from someone like that, that she could have someone like that... inside of her, part of her. It made her wonder if some part of herself was capable of doing things like that too. She'd decided she did believe Tresit though, did believe her father was guilty of what he'd accused him of. And, since she did believe him, she'd decided Tresit shouldn't die for what he'd done. She didn't want Artem to die either, because... despite that she didn't like him sometimes, he was her brother, and she did love him. Or, at least she had once. She wasn't sure now, hadn't even been sure enough of him to tell him why she hadn't wanted him to go, because they really weren't that close anymore, and she wasn't even sure she would end up liking the man he might be growing into. She wasn't a match for him physically, certainly hadn't trained to fight nearly as much as he had, and she'd learned with her father that it was a better strategy to avoid him, and she'd started taking that tactic with her older brother too. Generally, she found, she didn't like men. Usually not boys either, except Pajel. Though she liked Kaylin and his father well enough too, and, Janarin's brothers of course. And Vastu. She felt guilty for staying away from him, but... she just hadn't been willing to face her older brother yet. Or her mother. It didn't look like Artem was giving her a choice though. She didn't want to hear that he'd killed Tresit. She didn't want to have to hate him too.

Thalla stopped and saw Kes, meeting her eyes. "It's you..." She spoke, caught in the momentary memory of seeing Kes that night Tresit had killed her father, of the fear she'd felt. Thalla didn't like feeling afraid. Hating that feeling, and feeling claustrophobic at that her family didn't accept her enough to even let her speak her mind, were the reasons why she stayed away as much as she did.

"I won't hurt you, Thalla. I promise." Kes told her what she'd told her the last time they'd seen each other.

Thalla nodded, for some reason mostly trusting her at her word. Something about her eyes. Kind eyes. She'd seen that even when they'd first met. She'd been scared for Vastu then, but... She looked at her brother in confusion. "Brother... what's going on?"

"I was wrong Thalla... about Tresit, and... our father. He was... He..." Artem trailed off.

"Killed them?" Thalla said, her eyes narrowing a little and feeling bold somehow. Kes had given her courage somehow, she could tell. "I think so too. Who is she, Artem?" She asked, looking at Kes a little hesitantly. "I mean, who is she... to us? To... to Tresit? Why is she here?"

"...She's his mother now. Her name is Kes. She's... Aunt Anara's wife." Artem spoke.

Thalla's eyes widened as she looked back up at Kes in amazement.

"Your aunt's... wife?" Janarin spoke up, looking from Artem to Kes to Thalla.

Thalla met her friend's eyes, then looked over to Kes. "How... I mean, um..." She smiled a little, looking over to Janarin. "Like your brother I guess. Um, brothers. I mean brothers." Thalla said, looking like she was closing herself off a little.

"Um, I'm sorry, but... Can we come inside to talk about all of this further?" Kes asked in a softer voice. "Someone's coming, and... we shouldn't be seen." She explained, having sensed two people coming this way. Two boys. They were a few minutes away, but she spoke up now in case it took her that long to convince Thalla and Janarin to trust them enough to let them come inside.

"Huh? Oh, yes. Yes, come inside. Please." Janarin offered, moving out of the way, feeling a little giddy inside. Thalla's aunt was married to a woman? Her young mind was spinning with possibilities. How? How had they done it? Was it because Kes was an alien? Was she a trader? Did she have a ship? If she did, were they going to leave? Did they have a place to go? Could she convince her to take them with her? Would Thalla want to come with her? Maybe she would...

Kes had to smile. Janarin's thoughts seemed to move faster than unusual for a Kazon. Though Anara's thoughts had seemed to speed up since their bond had become so close. It was hard, maybe impossible, for her to be objective when it came to her wife though, so she didn't really know to what degree the ways she thought had changed. She wondered what made the difference, besides in Anara where she knew the answer? She knew her own people's thought speeds differed too, so that was probably all that it was, she concluded. "Thank you." Kes said as she went inside and they sat down.

Thalla went over and sat where she'd been sitting before, crossing her legs under her and starting to eat again.

"Why, um, so why are you... here then?" Janarin asked hesitantly as she sat down beside her friend, very attentive and not thinking about food. Kes set down across from them, crossing her legs and leaning forward a little, while Artem had stayed standing and was looking out the window, on watch for the approaching boys. He was doing it to be useful, and because he wasn't in much more of a mood to talk than his sister appeared to be at the moment. They had more in common than either of them knew, Kes considered, hoping she'd get a chance to help them mend their brother/sister relationship. Hoping Thalla would want to come with them. She was already starting to feel protective of her, already starting to like her and think of her as family in a more real sense. It was hard to truly think of someone you'd only met fleetingly as family, and easy to do so if you met them and liked them and you started to feel for them.

"I'm... I'm taking my family away soon. Anara and... and our children." Kes spoke in explanation.

Thalla met her eyes then, something hard and wary there. "All of them?" She asked. She was remembering Tresit's threat, wondering if that's what this was about. If he'd come back while she'd been away and stolen her little brother from her. She felt guilty for not being there, but, at the same time, knew she wouldn't have been able to stop Tresit from taking Vastu from her even if she'd been there. That... might also have been part of why she's stayed away. Because she wouldn't have wanted to be there to see that and to have not been able to stop it. Tresit had scared her, and she didn't want to see him again, even if he'd been right about what her father had done. She looked over at Artem then, telling herself that Artem wouldn't have let that happen, wouldn't be here like this with the woman he'd come here with if it had happened. She turned back to Kes.

Kes hesitated and sighed. "Your mother and brother have agreed to come with us. Vastu will be coming as well, of course. You're... You're very welcome to come along too, Thalla. That's why I'm here." She looked to Janarin then and wanted to tell her that she could come as well, but thought it wasn't the time and it wasn't her place to offer, knowing it would lead to questions that the girl might not want Thalla to know the answers too. At the least, she deserved the chance to choose what she shared of her own heart.

"Where... Where would you go?" Janarin asked. "Do you have a ship?" She asked, a note of hope in her voice.

Thalla looked at her friend at that questioningly, not knowing what to make of her tone of voice.

"No, not a ship." Kes said.

"She's an Ocampa." Artem put in, coming back over to sit with them now that he was satisfied that the boys, who'd just passed by laughing and talking with one another, weren't a threat to them. Kes had been monitoring them too, having already known that they wouldn't be a threat... unless they spotted an alien woman among them of course. But, since she had been safely out of the street by the time they'd come along, they were only concerned about which of them could brag most convincingly to the other. Inside their minds were different stories of course. One boy's thoughts were fairly sweet, thinking of a girl he lived next door to and liked and wishing he had more confidence when he was around her. He didn't talk about her with his friend because he'd be seen as weak if he tried. The other boy's thoughts weren't sweet at all. He was thinking about an older boy who he badly wanted to beat bloody the next time they fought. At the moment, he was imagining how good it would feel to kick him in the face repeatedly so he'd stop picking at him and belittling him every time they encountered one another. Kes could easily understand not wanting to be talked to in that way, but she found it tragic on both sides nonetheless... that simple kindness could be so persecuted in this society.

"...You come from under the surface then?" Thalla asked, Kes now picking up a degree of open curiosity from her. "Where the array sends the energy pulses to?" The array (in which her own people's Caretaker lived) was a mystery that probably all the Kazon who lived here often wondered about.

Kes nodded. She, along with everyone else, saw the pulses pass over them in the sky every day with increasing frequency, and, in the months before she'd come to the surface, she'd heard a lot of speculation about it from her people. The facts of the increased energy stores and of the dying people the Caretaker kept sending them had made her all the more curious about the world above. "We can make a home there, among my people. We'll be safe." She told them.

"And... women marry other women among your people? That's... It's normal?" Janarin asked. Oreth had told her that it was normal for a lot of other races, and that had made her want to have that for herself with Thalla all the more. The idea that she might be able to live in a place like that, where wanting what... who she wanted would be normal, accepted, even typical... It definitely was something she was very interested in... Even if Thalla didn't return her feelings as she hoped, she still would... She wanted to marry another girl one day, not a boy...

Kes shook her head. "It's not. But there's a part of the city where those... like me, where we live apart. That's where we'd go..." She said.

Thalla looked at Janarin then. "Janarin..." She spoke, a realization coming over her that she felt like she'd been stupid not to see before. There was open hope there, but also something that meant much more. It was... It was right there on her friend's face, in her eyes as Janarin looked back at her. Caya looked at Kaylin that way all the time. Kaylin looked back at her that way too. She'd always found it annoying. How hadn't she seen it before now...?

Janarin's eyes widened. "I... Thalla, I..."

Thalla looked away, got up, and left out the back door. Janarin looked at Kes helplessly.

"Go after her." Kes told her softly, full of empathy for the girl.

Janarin swallowed, feeling very scared, but she nodded and got up, following after her friend.

Artem looked at Kes then. "That's... what I think it was, wasn't it?" He asked.

"It was." Kes nodded.

He shook his head. "No wonder she stayed away from home so much..."

"Thalla had no idea." Kes said a little wistfully.

Artem sighed. "I don't like this." He said.

Kes didn't answer. Her thoughts were with Thalla and Janarin outside.

Janarin was at the threshold, the door having closed behind her. Thalla was sitting on the back steps. There was small clearing out here, with a meager shrine to Razal, the god of stone (shrines to him were always built outside, never indoors). It was a very typical thing to find at the home of someone who worked in the mines. Beyond that, there was a wall with an alleyway to either side, wall partitions giving them some measure of privacy from the houses to either side of them. No one lived in either of those houses though, so there wasn't any likelihood of them being overheard if they kept their voices low.

"...You could have told me." Thalla finally spoke when Janarin hadn't worked up the courage to for too long.

Janarin went over and sat next to her, hesitant. "No. I couldn't..." She said, feeling defeated.

"Why?" Thalla asked the simple question, no judgement in her voice, or in her heart. She'd be lying if she knew what to make of this, but Janarin was her friend, one of her two best friends, that she was sure of. To her, Janarin and Caya were as good as family. Better than family, really. She and Caya were the only ones she felt she could even really talk with anymore. The only ones who accepted her for who she really was. And Janarin had been there for her when she'd needed it these last few days. She wouldn't betray that... not for anything or anyone. It hurt that Janarin hadn't trusted her the same way. It hurt a lot, she was finding...

"...Because it wouldn't have mattered?" Janarin found it within her to answer.

"How... How could that possibly not matter, Jan?" She asked in a meek sounding voice. She felt on such unsteady ground right now. Caya and Janarin... Janarin most of all, she'd been her rock. The one who most let her keep rational every day, who kept the bitterness and hate she felt from swallowing up her heart. Now she was finding out... maybe she didn't even know her at all?

"How could it?" Janarin said sadly. "Think about it... If I told you, and you felt the same way... We couldn't be together. They'd force us apart. They could... they could hurt us, hurt you... Even kill us... And... and if you didn't feel that way, well... I just thought, it was better to keep you in my life."

Thalla looked over to her and took her hand strongly in hers. "You're stupid." She told her, only a little meaning it.

"I'm... stupid?" Janarin asked.

"Very, very stupid." Thalla said quietly.

"But, um... Why?" Janarin asked, feeling hurt and confused and scared.

"...I'll always be in your life, no matter what. As long as I have a choice about it. As long as I'm not physically forced not to be, I'll be in your life. You're very, very stupid... because you don't know that." She told her.

"So... um, does that mean...?" Janarin felt relief and joy and tentative hope that she could maybe, just maybe...

Thalla shook her head. "I don't know... Maybe it does, maybe not..." She admitted. "I um, I never thought... I always just thought I'd have to, you know, marry a boy one day. I just... I just hoped I'd find a good one. You know, like Caya and Kaylin. I thought, um... Maybe me and Pajel?" She admitted. She'd admitted as much to Caya once, because she'd asked, but... Janarin had never asked her about those kinds of things. She'd liked that she hadn't, because it wasn't something she'd really wanted to think about yet. She liked Pajel, he made her feel happy to be around him sometimes, but she didn't know if she genuinely wanted to be his wife one day. If he was really someone she could trust. She was scared of ending up like her mother. But she knew not all boys, or men, were like her father... or she hoped they weren't anyway... and Pajel had always been nice to her. And she liked the way his hair fell over his eyes, how his bared chest looked in the sun, and she liked his smile too...

"...Pajel..." Janarin said, sounding smaller than Thalla had ever heard her sound before. Janarin hugged her arms around herself and felt like she wanted to scream, or hit something... Maybe Pajel... Maybe in the face... She'd never felt like she could be violent before, not ever, but she felt like she could be now. She didn't like how it felt at all. She narrowed her eyes and looked at the ground in front of her and wished she could just disappear.

"Jan?" Thalla asked, looking at her.

"I..." Janarin scrambled for something to say, but she couldn't think of any worlds.

"I'm sorry." Thalla told her softly.

Janarin looked over to her. "It's... It's alright. I mean, I always... I always knew you... might not feel the same way. It... It was stupid." She smiled, tried to smile. "See? You're right. I'm stupid. Just like you said."

Thalla saw the look on her friend's face, panicked because she knew it was her fault, and did something very, very stupid. She moved over and put her lips against Janarin's. It lasted long moments, and then she began to feel very confused, because she'd have thought that Jan would... kiss her back or... or move or react or something. She hadn't. The kiss parted. Their eyes met, and she saw that Jan's eyes were wide and scared.

"I... thought that would make you feel better..." Thalla said, feeling incredibly, incredibly stupid.

Janarin blinked, her heart beating fast, her skin hot. She moved and pressed her lips against Thalla's. She vaguely thought that maybe she was making a huge mistake, but that... had been awful. Probably the worst kiss ever, and it had been her first one ever. She'd just _sat_ there. She... She'd wanted to kiss Thalla so badly, fantasized about what it would be like for hours sometimes, and she couldn't stand the idea that what had just happened would be all she would ever get to have. She didn't know what she was doing, but she told herself to put all her feelings into it and hope that she'd know what to do.

Thalla closed her eyes and kissed back. She liked this kiss a lot more. Pajel's older brother had kissed her once. Pajel had tackled him after and they'd fought. She'd run away. The next day, Pajel had looked bad enough that she'd been convinced he'd lost to his brother, but he'd been smiling when he'd told her proudly that he'd won the fight. Stupidly, she'd thought that maybe Pajel would ask to kiss her too then. He hadn't. She'd been both relieved and disappointed. Pajel was younger than her by a few months. His brother was older by a year. So this was her second kiss. Third kiss, really. The second one had been a moment ago, she reminded herself. She tried to tell if she actually felt attracted to Janarin or not, but all she could think was 'Jan's kissing me', which was too obvious to really count as a relevant thought.

The kiss ended and Janarin looked happy and hopeful and Thalla felt lightheaded. Had she done the right thing kissing her, she wondered? Did she, could she feel that way about her? She really should know that. But... she didn't know if she could feel that way about Pajel either. She wasn't even sure she knew what feeling that way about another person actually was. She knew that Janarin was her best friend though, the person that probably mattered most to her out of anyone, and she felt like she had to be loyal to that before anything else. Because that's what Janarin was doing for her, had always done for her, when even her family really hadn't.

"I want to go with you." Janarin said.

"Um, go where?" Thalla asked, her mind not having caught up quite yet.

"To the Ocampa city, under the surface. I want to go with you. I... We can be together there." She said meaningfully. This was everything, Janarin thought to herself. Her brothers would understand that she didn't say goodbye to them. She could leave a note. Oreth would be happy for her like she'd always been happy for him and Vashin. Her brother had fought and clawed his way to a life with Vashin, taken more than one beating for it. She'd always wanted to be like him, seen how he was with Vashin as her ideal, and now was her chance.

Now Thalla felt even more lightheaded. "Oh, um... yes. You can come, um, you can come with us." She said, not able to meet her friend's eyes. She didn't even know if she wanted to go. An alien woman had come to her door with her brother and suddenly this was happening. She... She needed to talk to her mom. "I need to talk to my mom." She said softly, finally daring to meet Janarin's eyes. There was entirely too much faith in her there. She felt like she'd been cruel to her to kiss her like that if she hadn't been sure of herself, even if it had been to make her feel better. She hadn't thought it would make her feel quite _that_ much better. But, she didn't really know that she couldn't... marry Jan. Maybe she could. Maybe it would be better that way, in fact. Maybe it would even be a better life in this... city under the surface.

She thought of Pajel and Caya and Kaylin and, gods, Oreth and Vashin? "Wha... What about Oreth though? You... can't just go and leave him without even saying goodbye. He'll go mad. You know he will." She reasoned, maybe even pleaded.

"He'd do it for Vashin if he were in my place. I know he would. I'll leave word for him. He'll understand. He'll be happy for me." Janarin told her with conviction. This was happening, she told herself, and she wouldn't let it not happen. She'd make it happen, do whatever she had to. Just like her brother had.

"I... I um, I need to talk to my mom." Thalla said, getting up and going back into the house.

Janarin got up, now confused and insecure and followed after Thalla, wondering if she were reading things all wrong. She told herself she wasn't, but she, all the sudden, she wasn't so sure of things anymore. 'I thought it would make you feel better' Thalla had said. The words that she hadn't really understood before came back to Janarin and she felt the pain of them. Had that been all that it was? But, she'd kissed her back though... She trailed after Thalla and tried to keep her spirits up.

* * *

to be continued

and I'm always happy to get comments (even really short ones)


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